SCandynavian

A new candy shoppe just opened up on my corner. (True story, when my mom first saw the word “shoppe” she pronounced it “shoppy” and my brother said, “It’s just pronounced shop, GOD MOM! UNGH!” He was ten.) Anyway this shoppe specializes in Scandinavian candy and it’s called…SCandynavian. Now I love a good pun, but holy shit that is just stinking up the joint. Anyway, I love CANDY just like everyone else who is not a raging butthole, so I went in. I just assumed that a Scandinavian candy shoppe would have, like, buckets and buckets of Swedish fish and also salted black licorice, which is totally disgusting. The taste is what Americans would call “acquired,” which is a pass agg way of saying “doody.” It tastes just like the torn off fingers of babies dipped in gasoline. However, I do think it’s something everyone should try once, in their lifetime, just so I can see the look on your faces and also to see if ONE of you out there who is NOT Scandinavian actually likes it. I am convinced that NO ONE likes this shit except for people who grew up on fish cured in lye. Fucking lye! Remember how we used to unclog our sinks with lye? And then some Norwegian was all, sweet I’m totally gonna put this on my goddamn fish to make it tasty? And then the dude’s mom came home and was all, MAGNUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LYE, I NEED THAT TO UNCLOG THE TURLET and he’s like but mom, taste this, it is the jam, and she’s all, yo this tastes awesome, I dig the gelatinous texture and the gentle aroma of sodium hydroxide, it tastes just like that dish with the baby fingers and the petrol, you know the one. Anyway yes, definitely try it once. Try it twice if you’re brave, or three times if you’re stupid. That’s a saying, right?

So this shoppe had NO salted licorice. I actually asked for it because I wanted to torture everyone I know. And the 6 foot 4 hyper blonde Swedish shoppekeeper said, Oh we don’t have any in yet, it’s seasonal. And I said, what, candy knows no season, but he didn’t quite understand me. Not because of a language barrier, but because the techno was so loud. Seriously he was grooving out to this Eurotrash house trance whatever (sounds like this: mm ch mm ch mm ch mm ch bam bam bam mm ch mm). His hair was slicked back and everything. He was also wearing an open shirt in order to show off his chest tattoo, which was script and hard to read, but let’s just pretend it said “Thüg Life.” Anyway, the point is this. I bought some Scandinavian candy and I’m going to review it for you:

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OK, you and I both know these look like penises. In fact, I saw this tub of dicks there and I was like oh yeah I need to get these because tee hee penis! And the shoppe dude was like “Oh those are sour raspberry wrenches.” Really? How is that even a wrench? Unless “wrench” is Swedish for penis? Then he says “they are very popular in Sweden” and I thought oh what you are trying to say is that penises are popular in Sweden. Well here’s some news buddy, penises are popular everywhere. Like 50% of everywhere is made of penis. Anyway it’s slightly more sour than a Sour Patch Kid and it has a tart berry flavor that doesn’t taste too synthetic like Robitussin. I love it. If all Scandinavian candy tastes like this then we will all have to move there, but we can ONLY eat the candy and not anything else. Definitely not that toilet fish.

I have a belly full of dicks right now.

Grade: A+

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These are red licorice tubes that are all cutesied up with nowhere to go because they’re not that good. The flavor is nondescript. Is it strawberry? Cherry? Watermelon? I have no idea. It tastes like red. It’s softer than licorice and not nearly as chewy. My friend Laura says the design looks like the Yelp logo, and she’s right. But other than that, it has no distinct personality. It is a thing you put in your mouth and then forget it’s in there. I realize that after talking about penises above, everything is now going to sound like a penis innuendo. Balls.

Grade: B-

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These are strawberry Ferraris. According to the shoppe keeper, they are the most popular candies in Sweden. They are quite large and I can’t shove the whole thing in my mouth (again with the penis thing). I thought they’d taste like Swedish fish, but actually no. They’re much tougher and less al dente. It tastes like that Swedish fish you found between the couch cushions. You ate it because you thought no one was looking. But I was looking.

Grade: C

I just realized that everything I got was red flavored. No worries, I will try other colors. There’s a chocolate section too. Scandinavians are probably known even less for their chocolate than their puns, but hey I will put that in my mouth (OMG penis). There’s also a set of bins that was slightly hard to reach because this shoppe was designed for tall Swedish people and not short Koreans wearing sensible footwear.

If you are in New York and feel like eating dicks, come to SCandynavian on Thompson just below Spring.

Swedish Roll

When you get a full sized mattress from IKEA, it comes like this. Seriously how is this going to be a mattress?

Related note IKEA meatballs have horse in them but I guess you still liked them anyway.

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LA Weekly Calls Me The Asian American Tina Fey So Now I Can Finally Die

LA Weekly ran a fantastic review of Shut Up, You’re Welcome!

“Don’t the networks have room for an Asian-American Tina Fey?”

HOLY WHAT THE WHAT?! I guess I can go die now because no one will ever say anything nicer to me than that. Folks, that was it. Game over. Now I will go eat this entire bag of Extreme Doritos and stop exercising because fuck it, there’s nothing left to live for.

This is how I feel right now.

pigicecream

Yes, that is a mini-pig eating a mini-ice cream. It is the only time a mini-ice cream is acceptable. (Thanks to Laura for texting me that.)

Also, blogging is apparently not a thing I do much. Instead, I’ve been posting photos and snarky shit over on the Annietown Facebook and Twitter. If you “like” my stupid shit then you will be able to enjoy pictures of llamas and a sign that says “Clothing Optional.”

True story: A chiropractor asked me how I chose “Annietown” and I said it’s because “Annie Choi” was taken. The moral of the story is that sometimes true stories are fucking boring.

People Are Being Nice and Saying Nice Things

People are saying nice things about SHUT UP, YOU’RE WELCOME! Yay!

First, Meg Cabot has been recommending my book all over town, including the official publication of hotels everywhere, USA Today. This is kiiinnnnnndddd of like getting a personal hug and a giant chocolate cake (without frosting because fuck that shit) from a hero. I love Meg Cabot, she is one part workhorse and two parts dreamboat, topped off with a tiara. HOW can one woman do all this?

SHUT UP also got a supremely kick ass review in this month’s BUST Magazine. It got a four boob review! Four boobs! Who doesn’t love boobs, amirite?

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“It’s as if a friend with great comedic timing was telling you a very animated story about losing her luggage.”

The great Patricia O’Toole once told me “Bad for life, good for writing.” This is how I approach Virgin America now.

And finally there’s a really great writeup in Paste Magazine.

“I found sprightly anecdotes galore and prose technique to rival the best humorists now working in this style.”

High praise! High praise! I am high, on praise! Now I will operate heavy machinery.

Thanks for all your support, everyone. I am super stoked about this book and grateful that it’s out in the wild, doing it’s thing. Meanwhile a mouse is living under my stove and doing mousey things like being a dick and pooping on the floor I just vacuumed and mopped. I know it’s weird that humans poop in a can of water (when you think about it, it’s really bizarre) but mice just poop wherever. Like they literally shit where they eat. It’s gross. My current mood is “keeping it real.”

Dear Musical Theater

Here’s another book trailer for Shut Up, You’re Welcome! Hear me rage against musical theater. I really do hate it.

San Francisco: See you tonight!

Hey Bay Area peeps! I’ll be reading, signing, and giving away stickers that smell like “never gonna give you up” and “never gonna let you down.” If you’re not sure what that smells like, then you should come tonight and smell for yourself. It smells pretty gnarly. Books will be for sale of course!

Books Inc – Laurel Village
3515 California Street
7 pm

See you there!

Hey Hey LA!

Angelenos!

I’ll be reading tonight at Book Soup at 7pm! I hear parking can get suckwad, so I recommend carpooling with your posse and rolling four deep (or however many your car can hold).

I will have stank-ass stickers and fairy stickers that promote unrealistic body image and unicorn rainbow stickers that promote, uh, unicorns.

I can’t wait to see you all tonight!

Book Soup
8818 W Sunset Blvd
7pm

Here’s another alpaca for you. Just because.

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Quick Alpaca Break

Fuckin alpacas, AMIRITE????

alpaca-haircuts

Top row is Cate Blanchett, an alpaca doing a sloth impression, and Justin Bieber after he’s been pushed out of a plane.

Bottom row from left to right:
Samuel L. Jackson, Ziggy Stardust, Steve Buscemi.

See You Tonight, Brooklyn!

Hey friends! The Powerhouse Arena reading is TONIGHT at 7pm! There’ll be wine and also STICKERS. Specifically scratch n’ sniff and some crazy rainbow puke ones by LISA FRANK. This is your chance to get a sticker of three dogs sitting on a sundae. The dogs are wearing sunglasses. There are also unicorns sitting on a sundae and kittens sitting on a sundae. Lisa Frank likes to draw animals sitting on sundaes.

Please RSVP if you can. It gives us a headcount.

See you tonight!

See You Friday, Austin

I’m kicking off the Shut Up and Read This Tour in Austin! See you Friday at 7 pm at BookPeople! Tell your friends!

This is my name up in lights!!!! I’m actually more excited about this marquee than the actual book itself.

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Photo via Joseph A. Ziemba