When you leave your house, please ask yourself this question. It will help you make important decisions:

Am I wearing enough clothes?

On Friday night I saw a girl wearing nothing but a t-shirt which barely covered the parts that should be covered. I am not like a puritan or amish or anything, but there are certain things that should be covered for sanitary purposes. It is more like a public health than a fashion thing. It wasn’t like a dress that was really small. It was seriously a shirt. Like an American Apparel shirt. I have one, in fact. I wear it with a little something called pants. She was a very tall and pretty girl with alien arms, perhaps a model of some kind, but she was not wearing enough clothes. She was just wearing really high heels and a shirt. I mean if I looked like her, I would totally work it too, but like, with pants on. No, she was not wearing a bikini and had come back from the beach. It was as if she forgot her pants. Like she woke up put on a shirt and said, OK! Let’s go! She was very tragic. I do not mean to be catty, but guess what? I am being catty. Rowr. Listen, pants, skirts, hot shorts, they are all good things that will allow you to work it. Please do not be afraid of them. They are there just for you. For you! Pants love you.

In college there was the Naked Guy who went to school totally, completely naked, which is redundant but I cannot explain to you how really truly utterly naked this guy was. He did carry a backpack though. I so did not want to be in his seat. It can get kind of hot, you know what I mean. The junk gets a little sticky. Just saying. It didn’t get that cold in Berkeley, but maybe he didn’t go to class on those days. I don’t remember. Anyway he tried to fight the school who was trying impose their rules, like dude, just wear some clothes, any clothes! I even think they were willing to forego shoes. But he refused and was eventually thrown out, I think. Don’t remember exactly. I do remember at one point he was arrested for standing on a roof, naked, and throwing stuff at police officers. Anyway what I’m saying here is that the Naked Guy also could’ve used some pants. But he didn’t believe in them. The model girl probably believes in pants but doesn’t feel the need to wear them. Is it two sides of the same coin? Probably not, but I happen to like pants. Also it is a funny word. Pants.

I have just trapped a spider underneath a glass because I did not have the cojones (ballz) or the cajones (drawerz) to kill it. I’m not sure what to do with it. I am considering my options. It is not a large spider, but it is not a small spider. For example, I see that there’s a little blue spot on the spider. Interesting, very curious. No doubt it is poisonous and will kill me and small children and puppies. However, it is not hairy, which is a plus. But now it is under a glass. I am looking at it. Hello, spider, I’m sorry. Also, you have many legs.

This is a very similar situation to the cockroach I found in the bathtub a month ago. I put a piece of Tupperware over it and also considered my options. My options consisted of calling up various friends to “take care of the situation.” Eventually it was JoMo who “took care of it.” He said it was dead already but I assured him it was very, very alive when I trapped it under the Tupperware. So I guess Tupperware does not really keep things fresh. Something to consider when you are in the market for Tupperware. Anyway this spider is very much in an alive state of being, and I am once again, considering my options.

On Friday night I had drinks with a big group (read: architects) to honor Troy who was leaving OMA and heading off to teach at Rice. I think eight or nine offices were represented. At some point Troy tried to count but he was too wasted and got confused and then someone handed him a beer and he was not confused anymore. That is a good tactic. If someone is confused at work, hand him or her a beer. Suddenly, everything is clear. I’m telling you, it’s magic. Anyway that’s totally beside the point. We were drinking and dining al fresco, which is a fancy way of saying “eat and drink outside and watch Annie get eaten alive by mosquitoes.” Note that no one else got bit. I have no idea how this works, but I got something like eleven bites all over my legs.

So here is something interesting: mosquitoes feed mostly on nectar, but females are the ones that bite and feed on blood because they need the extra protein and iron to lay eggs. What I’m trying to say here is that the bitches are the ones causing problems and getting out of pocket. Also what I’m trying to say here is that the bitches love me. I need pants made out of Calamine lotion.

I was house-and-cat-sitting on the Upper East Side again, this time for the Siben-Manning-Davies family. I realize that is what I do for a living now. I just go to people’s apartments and pick up poop and marvel at how all of that can come out of something so small. A total mystery. Anyway, the S-M-D family has a cat named Bailey who is the most non-cat cat I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean that it’s like a dog, it’s just not very cat-like. Like if you try to chase it, it immediately rolls over on its side. WTF? What cat does that? It’s docile and passive and I am used to Aura’s cat which will fill a tube sock full of rocks and smack you in the balls when you aren’t looking. And if you DON’T have balls, it would find the nearest set and smack them just to send a message. Kind of like how you have to beat someone up in prison right when you get there. This is why everyone who visits Aura’s cat has to wear a protective cup. Anyway this is not the point.

I decided to be healthy and take advantage of Central Park while I was house-sitting. Their apartment is a block away from the park. I figured, OK, Annie, time to jazzercise and run even though nothing is chasing me. Just run willingly in the name of health. So I did it.

It sucked.

First of all, every single plant in Central Park was blooming. Do you know about this? Apparently in the spring, all these stupid green things decide to do stupid things like grow and release anthrax into the air and this causes my face to blow up and my eyes to start watering and my nose to start running and it is like I’m taking a shower in my own snot (in Korean “snot” is translated directly to “nose water” which sounds a lot nicer than it actually is). So I run around for a bit, crying my eyes out, and then I run into a SWARM OF GNATS. Do you know about this? They swarm in like large patches and then ultimately I run through it because I don’t run with my glasses on. Then they decide to swarm around me for the rest of my run. And then when I opened my mouth about half of them went down the hatch and I ended up swallowing it. So my guess is that I ate 20% of all the gnats in Central Park. Good news is that I’m not hungry.

Now, if you excuse me, my entire office is going to go bowling.

Early Saturday morning I woke up with this strange feeling that I was being watched. Something in the room. I don’t know if you’ve ever woken up with this feeling, but it’s like you suddenly wake up because something is off. Your body senses it. You feel that something is not just looking at you, but maybe even looking through you. With crazy eyes. I dunno how I got this feeling while I was sleeping, but it just kind of came up. So I woke up. And what do I see?

AN EYEBROW CRAWLING UP MY WALL.

NO, IT WAS NOT MY EYEBROW. SHUT UP.

I don’t know what kind of insect it was. It’s the kind that looks like an eyebrow. It’s probably poisonous. A poisonous, creeping, crawling, squirming, slithering eyebrow that has way more legs than it needs.

Listen, insects, why must you have so many legs? Everyone else gets along fine with just four legs and or even two legs. Because two is all we need. Having six seems totally unnecessary. And having twelve legs or however many this eyebrow had is just offensive. Like you are showing off. Guess what? I AM NOT IMPRESSED. YOU DO NOT NEED THAT MANY LEGS.

I have no idea how this eyebrow got into my apartment, but it was raining the night before so it was probably like, hey, this place is nice and dry and look she has cereal. I think I’ll hang out here and oh look I think I see some friends rocking a party on her face. Oh wait, those are just HER EYEBROWS. Oh well, now that I’m here I shall just hang out and look at her until she wakes up.

*sits and stares*

So, of course I flip out because I am not a big fan of insects, which is to say that I hate them and I am afraid of them. I mean, I like what they do for us and our planet, blah blah blah but I rather not see or hear them, kind of like children ha ha ha. No really. Anyway I ran to get a cup and a piece of paper because I just did not have it in me to kill it. NOT because I am against killing insects, I just really did not want to deal with the mess. I just imagined squishing it and then having like all these legs fly everywhere, all over my bed, which is totally NOT an option. So in the four seconds it took to gather my trapping tools, the eyebrow climbs up to where I can’t catch it. Clearly it knows I’m coming. I mean it probably has twelve eyes to go with its twelve stupid legs. So then I kind of wait and watch it crawl very slowly. With all those legs you’d think it’d be really fast, but actually it’s quite slow. But then it FALLS OFF THE WALL so now you know that having two really good legs is better than having twelve crappy ones.

So it actually FALLS INTO MY SHEETS and I flip out and actually cry OH GOD NO and move the sheets around to get it under the cup and it falls BEHIND THE BED. And I realize I can’t move the bed because it has drawers filled with stuff. So then I have these nightmares of this eyebrow making more eyebrows in my winter sweaters and whatnot. Then I see it come up the wall again and by that point I have lost my cup somehow. So I grab the most toxic thing I can find in my apartment, which is Tilex. And I spray the crap out of it and it falls BEHIND THE RADIATOR where I can’t reach it, so I spray it some more and hope it dies. And now there is a dead eyebrow behind my radiator. Getting crispy.

I mean I hope it’s dead. Maybe it’s not dead. Maybe it is still somewhere here.

Current mood is disturbed.

My neighborhood has been kind of a pigfuck, if I may use that term, because they are filming LAW AND ORDER on my block. This means that the good people who actually live in these buildings get stopped three steps short of their front door by a guy carrying a walkie talkie, talking on his cell phone, and wearing a headset, saying, no, no, you cannot pass through, we are filming. Why is he talking on his cell AND carrying a walkie talkie AND wearing a headset? I don’t know, but it seems like he had communications COVERED. If you need to talk to him, he is definitely available, via different forms of communication. You could probably page him.

Sometimes, I just want to go home and not be stopped by a guy carrying a walkie talkie, you know? Especially, most especially, when I have to pee so bad that my bladder might spontaneously explode and pee oozes through every pore. Not a pretty sight. Perhaps if there were a STAIRWELL I would pee in it. That’s how bad I had to go.

Anyway, later I saw Vincent D’Onofrio get into a car on my street, and then get driven TWO BLOCKS to King Street. I know that he was going to King Street because I, too, was walking from my block toward King and actually beat him to it. On foot. As in, like, hoofing it. I just felt a little empty in side. Vincent, please. Just walk. I promise you fans will not ask for your autograph. Also, to be honest, you look like you can lose a few pounds. The walking might help that. Minimizing both your carbon footprint and your waistline! Zrzly. He was “bloaty.”

I also saw Eric Bogosian. He was rocking a stylish Jewfro. Want to know something funny? My DAD GOT A PERM in the 80’s. Like straight up perm. Not like waves. But a perm. He had a Korean fro, or KorFro. I have pictures to prove it. VERY disturbing. I don’t know why he wanted one. He just did. So he got one. I don’t know if he was trying to look like the Hoff and have these waves, but Korean hair doesn’t really do that. When you perm it, it GETS PERMED. It does not relax. He kind of looked like a pubichead. Which is not a description one wants to assign to one’s dad, but there, I said it.

My mother straightens her hair, but it’s already straight. That is a mystery to me. I don’t even get it.

God I almost forgot that today is April Fool’s Day. So that means everyone has to watch this video because that is what you are supposed to do for April Fool’s Day.

You are also supposed to watch this one, but it’s kind of “played out” you know what I mean? But it’s still classic. It will make you wail on your guitar and kick your mother in the face. This video will melt your face and blow your mind.

In other news, I slammed my hand in the door and now it is kind of, sort of, HOZED. I don’t know how I exactly did it, but it got pinned between the door and the wall. Seriously no idea. But all of the sudden I screamed like a little girl and then hunched over and stuck my hand between my legs because for some reason when people hurt their hand, they stick it between their legs. You see ball players do it all the time. You also see them adjust their junk but that is a different story. Anyway, it’s not like in an erotic way, but more like OH GOD THIS HURTS SO BAD WHAT CAN I DO? I BETTER STICK IT BETWEEN MY THIGHS. Anyway it is bruised now. I am trying to avoid the letters a, q, and z but it is difficult.

And I discovered more pee in the stairway. This time on the seventh floor landing.

Happy holidays, everyone.

Today I am at the office, making the Internets. Because that is what I do. I make the Internets for a living. A series of tubes I help create just for children. Anyway, what I’ve noticed the last few weeks is that our stairway smells like pee. As in urine. It’s overwhelming and disgusting. I do not like the smell of pee. I think in general, people do not like the smell of pee. If people did, then they’d make pee incense, air freshener, potpurri, and scratch n’ sniff stickers, and that is just not the case.

Anyway, I just found the source. It is indeed urine. Someone peed in our stairway, sixth floor. Guess what? It was not me.

If you are reading this, and you have peed in our stairway, please clean it up. It will be challenging since it is dried, but the stain and stench is unmistakable. You have peed in our stairway and people are cross. Please refrain from peeing in our stairway in the future. I’d like to recommend peeing in a toilet. Toilets are nice because you can pee in them and then your pee goes away (only if you flush). I’d like to recommend flushing too.

Thanks.

The big news today is, of course, Eliot Spitzer and his love for whores. Listen, people love sex, that’s why people have it. People love whores, that’s why we have them. So it is not unreasonable to think that some people love sex with whores. It’s the transitive property. See? Math is useful it teaches you about Eliot Spitzer. Either way, what sucks here is that he cheated on his wife and screwed over his family in public. Like if you are a politician and/or married, you just have to not love whores. At the very least be a little more secretive about your love for whores because people are watching you. That’s what I don’t get. How many sex scandals has our government seen? And yet…there are more scandals. Like dudes, don’t you watch the news? Are you an idiot? Also, paying four grand for a whore? I am clearly in the wrong profession. I think in France every politician sleeps with every whore in Europe and no one seems to care because maybe politicians are not held to the same moral standards, which may or may not be a good thing. Maybe they are just more transparent, like yeah, man, I love whores and you elected me, so what? It is kind of refreshing, but still, if you have a family then you have made a commitment to not be an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have a problem with the whores. I have a problem with people being assholes. Either way, our government needs a bouncer.

Invention Deathmatch is coming soon, Aaron B (THE LOSER) and I are working out the details. It will be amazing, especially when Aaron B. dies from losing. He’s going to get Spitzered big time.

ROACHES ARE IN MY BATHTUB. They get in, but they can’t get out. Just like the mafia.

Current mood: disturbed

OH GOD.

They are coming out of the faucet. OUT OF THE FAUCET! The only thing that should come out of a faucet is water. Or beer. But definitely NOT ROACHES. I imagine turning on the water, and then just a string of roaches gushing out. I feel nauseous.

Current mood: nauseous

They are big. Like New York City-sized. We’re talking airplane carriers. When you cut them open more roaches come out THAT IS HOW BIG THEY ARE. So I am sitting here wondering what to do. I do not like to kill them. No wait, I want to kill them, but I do not want to touch them. I do not want to squash them and see their roachy bits all over my bathtub. Also when you smash a roach it has this distinct smell. It smells like vomit and darkness and hopelessness. Like you kill this one but there are MILLIONS MORE COMING DOWN THE FAUCET RIGHT NOW. AT THIS VERY SECOND. It’s really the hard candy shell that gets me. Like they have this hard shell but inside they are all juicy, so they squirt when you kill them. Some of them come out OF THE FAUCET dead, which is a mystery. Others are peppy and ready to rage and party in your apartment and drink all your beer eat all your scooby snacks and take all yoru wimmin, if they could just get out of the damn tub. I tried turning on the hot water to boil one to death, but guess what? My urine is hotter than the hot water that comes out of the faucet. Yes that is disgusting, but IT IS TRUE. I had to sit there while it took this nice bath, it was like ah, this is it, right here. Can you give me some bubbles? Maybe a little antenna massage? Meanwhile I am like DIE MOTHERFUCKER WHY WON’T YOU DIE?