I am trying to download Office on a computer. It is a Mac. I do not steal Office because I decide to do things the “legal” way because legalness is the way to go here, in this particular case for this particular person’s computer. So I go to the Microsoft website, there’s a big banner: HEY KIDS, IT’S BACK TO SCHOOL, GET MICROSOFT OFFICE FOR, LIKE, $99 OMG IT’S A SALE. I’m like Hell yeah motherfuckers! Let’s get ON this bitch! Everyone loves a bargain!

I go, it is purchased, I start the download, and that is when I SEE THE HUGE ERROR. It is downloading an exe file. This is a PC file. This is not a Mac file. I have just purchased PC version of Office for a MAC. THERE IS ERROR. MAJOR FAIL. Nay, ADMIRAL FAIL. It is a COLONEL failure of 11 secret herbs and spices. So I think to myself this is such horseshit. Here is why:

1. A website should know if you are accessing it from a PC or a Mac. This is not a supersecret thing. Many sites do this. If I am on a Mac and I need to buy and then download software, it should know, hey, you should get the Mac version because you are on a Mac!

2. But let’s say Option 1 is not an option because you do not know how to run or program a website even though you are a computing and software giant. If you are downloading a digital version of software, you should be given the HEY DOWNLOAD THE PC VERSION or HEY FRIEND, HERE’S THE MAC VERSION! BFF-4-EVA! This was not given to me. No.

3. There’s no 3, because 1 and 2 should be enough reason.

Surely I am not the only asshole this has happened to, right? Also! Mac version of Office is $50 more expensive. I wanted to just SHARE THAT WITH YOU. I have been penalized for being awesome. Fine. Suit yourself Microsoft. I could’ve stolen this crap, but I didn’t and now I realize I probably should’ve because stealing was actually easier than buying. You are MAKING ME STEAL, FOOL. You are turning me into some kind of criminal.

End of rant. Thank you for being a friend.

My coworker was at a garage sale and found an Addams Family calendar maker program for PC. She was like OMFG I’M SO GETTING THIS. It cost like, a quarter or something. Anyway, it is perfect because she loves the Addams Family and I love calendars. No just kidding. I hate calendars. But, I need calendars that I can customize for the jobby job. Listen, it’s not very interesting, just trust me when I say that I was stoked upon seeing this sweet, sweet Addams Family calendar maker. Like, holy shit, right? Right? ADDAMS FAMILY CALENDAR, PEOPLE. The “Wednesday” column will actually be Wednesday Effing Adams. Like, shut up!

But then she opens it and she’s like OMG HEY ANNIE CAN YOU OPEN THIS?

We start laughing. I mean, seriously, this is what you get for spending a quarter on a calendar maker, and not just doing it in Excel or Word or whatever. But, if we did that 1) It would not have cool Addams Family crap all over it and 2) It would require me having to make it, and I have better things to do with my time, like Twittering or trying to figure out what Beck is yelling in the beginning of “Hollywood Freaks” (It could be: hear my nut, he my nun, heed my nut. Or something. Also his real name is Bek Campbell. No shit.). Anyway, I haven’t seen a quarter-inch floppy in like, I dunno, ten years. My first computer had the FULL SIZED ones. Remember that? It was like the size of a fucking sheet of paper and you shoved it in your computer that had like 4 MB. Anyway so then we were kidding around and someone who is younger was like, what is that? And then a little piece of me kind of died. Sigh. Floppy disks people. We need some kind of museum so people don’t forget the past and repeat the mistakes. Anyway, so there’s no Addams Family calendar for me.

But wait? Our IT dude was like, I think…I COULD probably open that. And then we got so excited that I peed in my pants and she peed in my pants too. He’s going to try because he’s a nice guy, but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I mean it’s going to be sooo 2-bit spectacular. People will write songs about how awesome our calendar and schedules will be. Shut up.

I want to see Up, but the question is, how many dimensions?

Do I want TWO dimensions or do I want THREE dimensions?

Man, I remember the days when we had only one dimension. We gathered around the radio listening to our stories and then when the talkies came out, our minds were blown. Now it’s about three dimensions! That newfangled third dimension!

Listen, three dimensions seem a bit over the top. Soon, there’ll be FOUR dimensions! When will it stop? FIVE dimensions? We’ll see things in space, time, and like love or something? Laughter? Warm feelings? When we hit SIX dimensions, shit will be totally stupid. Movies will exist as shrimp chips. I say shrimp chips because it has a lot of MSG, which you know “expresses” umami, the sixth flavor.

Anyway point is, TWO or THREE. I mean normally I’d say of course do it in THREE because why do TWO when you can do THREE? But I watched Coraline in THREE and thought it was unnecessary to have the third especially since they didn’t make much use of it animation-wise. But the people at Pixar don’t suck at all so they might make the third really tasty. TASTY 3d. The D stands for chocolate, don’t ask me where they got the D from. It’s a mystery.

I got a new iMac at work! It’s ENORMOUS. Oh my god. The screen takes up my entire peripheral vision. Dude, ALL I SEE is screen. I want to live in it. Roll around in it. Frolic. I also want to eat it. I was working on some BULLSHIT screen before. And at home I have a stupid 15 inch laptop (which after dropping it, only works if it’s plugged in so now it’s a 15 inch desktop). So I have this SWEET iMac with this IMAX screen that makes me so happy to do work, which seems wrong. But here are things that I’ve learned:

1. You can run two programs at once. Maybe even three! Oh my god! Four! I’m running four programs at once! Dude! I can browse the tubez AND edit some copy. This may seem so simple, but my last computer gave me a big finger whenever I wanted to do two things at once. It wasn’t just giving the finger too, it’d be super obnoxious about it, hey Annie I have a gift for you, and it reaches in it’s pocket and busts out with a middle finger. Then it laughs, shakes a beer and opens it in my face, and goes to a frat party to bag some hot chix. Well guess what, old computer? Suck it.

2. I can have two Word documents open side by side. SIDE BY SIDE, people. They both FIT on this SCREEN. Do you understand this? WTF is wrong with you? Why aren’t you happier for me? SIDE BY SIDE. I have MULTIPLE windows open. Mind explosion!

3. It takes less than a minute to start up. My last computer? Over ten minutes. I’d come in, turn it on, and then go make myself coffee and you know, make instant oatmeal, talk to co-workers, and then come back to my desk and STILL wait for my shit to boot. It was offensive. Sometimes I could eat my entire oatmeal before I even saw my desktop. It’s important to note that I eat oatmeal very slowly. It’s like eating drywall paste. With raisins.

4. This thing makes me want to do it with Steve Jobs all night long except he’s really not my type but I’d do it anyway because sometimes you have to take one for the team and be a soldier about it.

5. I am very much enjoying kale. I have been eating a lot of kale. I really enjoy kale. This has nothing to do with my iMac, but something I feel like you should know and understand. Kale.

6. I want to deliver a savage beatdown on my old computer like that scene in Office Space, but I can’t even stand to look at it. It’s doing a timeout in the corner.

7. I used to have a labelmaker when I was little. Those plastic labels that get punched with white letters. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway I was TOTALLY INTO IT. Labeled everything. EVERYTHING. My mom made me take off labels from my dresser drawers. (“Just look inside instead of label.”) Anyway I was a big fan. I was very organized. I went to my friend’s office last night and there was a labelmaker and I labeled everything in their office with “suck.”

8. That is all! New computer dudes! I’m so stoked!

I spilled fruit salad on my lap and I got up quickly but didn’t have a good handle on my computer so it fell. And now the moniter is wobbly and won’t close all the way. Ugh. The last time I was in Chicago my hard drive died. It’s like this place hates me and my computer.

Mike is trapped in a box in the conference room, I do not know how to save him. Death is the only way out.

Ever since I spilled coffee on my USB keyboard, it has not been the same. Mostly stuff sticks. But then sometimes my “e” key says, you know what? Not today. You are out of luck. If you want an “e” then you should just go to “hll” because in hll thr is no ” ” ky. So why don’t I use the laptop kyboard? Bcaus it maks my fingrs hurt, OK? SAD FAC.

This brings me to another larger issue, which is the liquid state of matter. When matter is not contained, it spreads out. Because there is no container, you see. The molecules just run away, they ran so far away to get away. It’s science. You can ask Dr. Michelle, she knows all about it. She is a doctor. In science. But when matter is not contained, it gets all over my keyboard. Or all over the floor. Everyday, I spill something. Which is funny because everyday I am aware that I spill things and with this knowledge, I try to prevent spilling, and yet, it happens. I keep paper towels on my desk. Look, I’m not proud of this. I just thought you should know. I need to pass by the liquid state of matter. It is not working out for me.

I’d like to introduce you to my new friend. It is a marmot. Which is like a lemming or a shrew. Except it’s a marmot. This one happens to live in the Swiss Alps, of Switzerland. You know, the country that looks like a melting scoop of ice cream, not to be confused with Sweden, the country that kind of looks like a flaccid penis-rod. When I was little I got Switzerland and Sweden confused. Listen, I’m not proud of that, but I just thought I should be honest and open about it. Give me a break, I was eight. On a slightly related note, there is a new Swiss restaurant in my neighborhood and from what I gather, it only serves schnitzel. For those of you who like schnitzel, this is your jam. For those of you who don’t, then it is like a big finger to you. The one between the index and the ring finger, if you have to ask. Anyway this restaurant happens to be in the space, I believe, that used to be a club where a girl got stabbed to death by the bouncer. Or maybe she was shot. I don’t remember. Either way now it is a Swiss restaurant, I think. Back to the story.

Aura and her sister Andrea gave this marmot to me. They were in Switzerland and they were like WAIT, WAIT DO YOU SEE THAT? WE HAVE TO GET IT FOR ANNIE. As you can see this marmot, which I have named Das Marmotten because I’m guessing that means The Marmot in Swiss German (Marco, am I right?), has an accordion. Please think about the last time you saw a marmot holding an accordion. Right, you have NEVER seen that! It’s magic, right? Magical shit happens in Switzerland I’m telling you. Anyway this marmot is not just any marmot, it also DOUBLES AS A KEYCHAIN. OH WHERE ARE MY KEYS I CANNOT FIND THEM IN MY BAG, OH LOOK HERE THEY ARE ATTACHED TO THIS MARMOT. Or maybe HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN MY KEYS IT HAS A GIGANTIC MARMOT ON IT. It’s bigger than my hand. There is no way in hell I would lose my keys.

But wait! Wait! There’s more! It PLAYS MUSIC. It plays beautiful, beautiful accordion music that is so beautiful. And now, with my iPhone, I can play it for you. Click here to listen. If you are at the office, I suggest you CRANK THAT SHIT TO 11 AND ROCK OUT. Dancing shoes are highly recommended.

Thanks Aura and Andrea!!!!!! Holy crap!

Check it out, I am writing this from my iTelephone. It is like I am from the future! Let me tell you the future is very fancy. People have iTelephones here. I got one using my economic stimulus check. I totally stimulated the crap out of it. I actually saved it. Please, no need to thank me.

I can also do fancy things like post photos but it is really hard to take a picture of my iTelephone with my iTelephone. They need to work on that. So instead I took a picture of another phone. This phone is from the future too, but it is “retro”.

My cell phone is totally not receiving any text messages, which is kind of nice but also kind of bad, and maybe, just maybe, totally annoying. This all points me toward the iTelephone which would make me be such a winner. A champion. I would make everyone call me La Champ. My phone right now is held together by tape and hope. HOPE. Yes, Barack Obama keeps my phone together himself. He’s a very busy man, you see. Anyway I’m thinking. I kind of want it.

I have to say, the one thing the iPhone puts an end to are those awesome conversations where you wonder about something and then you make stuff up just to answer your own questions because you do not have the magical toobs in front of you to give you the answer. I like that part because it’s all about making up stupid crap and then convincing yourself you know what you are talking about even though it’s so obvious you are full of your own crap but you are like “no dude, ionic bonds, it’s the ionic bonds” and then someone says “I’ll buy that.” And then you kick everyone’s ass with your ninja skills just because that is what you do. See if I had an iPhone there’d be less ninja stuff.