My acupuncturist is Japanese and said something very funny awhile ago: “You know the Japanese, we see people having fun and we want to have fun too. But we’re Japanese so we want to have MORE fun.” Haha I love her, she just says it like it is. Then, she stabbed me with the needle. (Speaking of which, NYC peeps in need of a really awesome acupuncturist, email me. And ladies: This will do wonders on the lady-bits. I’m telling you, I’m not really into this hippie-dippie shit, but the lady-bits are in a fine state these days. Even I cannot deny it. I’m for serious! No, no, no you shut up!)

OK, I bring this up because my friend Stephanie Choi (no relation, but is the other half of our “band,” Choi Division) sent me something very, very righteous. It is the Japanese version of the SNUGGLIE and here it is:

It is like EXTREME SNUGGLIE. An EXTREME Snugglie that makes a bold, bold statement: “Hi America, It’s, me Japan, and I TOTALLY PWND YOU.” This makes other Snugglies look like a regular blanket without sleeves. It might even make other Snugglies look like a stupid cloth napkin. I’m foreseeing some serious Snugglie proliferation. Like…a Snugglie Cold War, if you will. Now America has to step up and find the next generation of Snugglie.

Canada will try to get in on the action, but no one will care. Everyone will be like, get out of our sandbox Canada! Go be polite and enjoy your national health care somewhere else. This is for big kids!

The Europeans will, as usual, laugh at this but secretly want it. I mean look at that thing! It’s a COCOON of AWEZOME.

I can’t wait for the Snugglie with wifi.

Dudes. My inbox is so totally awesome. Seriously, you WISH you had my inbox because it is so righteous. It is full of all kinds of crap. I mean real…garbage. Sometimes I can smell my inbox fom miles away because of all the hot trash in it.

Today I bring you audio clips!

That is from a friend or a stranger or maybe from someone who is pissed off. Maybe this person thought my dog shit on his lawn or something, except, of course, I don’t have a dog. Ha ha ha! A hilarious misunderstanding! Actually, funny story, I was living in this house with three other people, and this neighbor used to come and let her dog shit on our driveway and not clean it up. What a total bitch (both the neighbor and the dog).

OK, I guess that wasn’t funny.

But, you know what is funny? A neighbor (different one) used to come knocking on our door looking for syringes because he was dealing heroin in the neighborhood. The sad part is that my housemate actually had syringes.

OK, that wasn’t funny either.

Alright, this one’s funny: One of my housemates made a chore-wheel for us. A chore-wheel. We were, like, in our mid-twenties and thirties. It was humiliating. And, incidentally, we refused to do our chores. Humiliation is not a good motivator. That pissed him off. I guess that wasn’t funny either, more boo-hoo sad than ha-ha funny.

Incidentally, no joke, he was a captain. Like, of a boat. A ferry of some kind. But seriously, a captain. I thought that was sweet. I wanted to call him captain but he was like no, that’s OK. Please. No really. I mean it. Don’t call me captain. And then I was like well, what if I call you “Cap’n” like in Cap’n Crunch, and he did not find it funny. You know, maybe I am hard to live with.

Anyway, my office phone at work has this amazing feature that will email you a wav of a voicemail. It is like…a phone FROM THE FUTURE. It’s like the greatest thing that’s ever been invented. No. It is. Shut up. Anyway sometimes people leave me messages. Sometimes they end up on the blog.

This one’s from Butler.

That might be the most annoying thing ever. I was trying to loop it to make it extra annoying for you guys, but you are lucky I am not smart enough to figure it out.

Here’s another:

Translation: Uh…uhh…uhhhhh. Goddamn, I love my goddamn phone.

This was sent to me by Marco. Taken in a Taipei hotel room, I think.

It’s an Internet Hole! A hole from which you get the Internets. Some people thought the Internets came from the air, but actually it comes from a hole. See? You learn things here at Annietown.

Comments are back! Comment at will! I promise to be better about commenting on your comments so we can make sweet comment-love. Also, I need to blog more, I know this. I need someone to throw things at me so I remember. Preferably throw something soft, or something tasty. Or both. Yeah, both.

Sorry folks, comments aren’t working right now. Or maybe it’s working for you, but it’s not working for me. LAME. Sorry, I’ll try to throw money at the problem and see if it goes away.

I’m sorry, dear friends. I was sick. I know it’s no excuse, and I’m sorry I haven’t been here. But now I am back. I can now climb three flights of stairs without coughing up an alveolar sac, which, in case you’re wondering, looks NOTHING like a nutsac. Seriously. I myself was surprised. I mean a sac is a sac is a sac, right? Like a sac can only look like one thing, and that is a nutsac. But, NO. I was WRONG. Alveolar sacs and nutsacs actually do not look alike. I feel like I’ve been living a lie all these years. Feel free to share that fact. That one is yours to keep.

This has been a week of me breaking shit. The most recent casualty is my computer mouse at work. I think I spilled coffee and water on it too many times, so it got fed up and said, eff you loser and then the little red light wet dim, just like that scene in the original Terminator where the robot gets crushed in the George Foreman grill and it’s little red eye goes dim and it is all, so sad…so dark…and cold…so…alone. That was my computer mouse. Later it came back as sweet fucking liquid metal, and then it came back again, this time as a girl that is not Charlize Thereon but kind of looks like her if you squint, but I didn’t see that one, so I can’t say for sure. Then I guess it came back again to the past to go back to the future. God these things are so confusing sometimes. I need to waterproof my life, that is the lesson learned, friends.

I also busted my wallet. Normally I bust wallets because it’s filled with COLD HARD CASH and it’s like yo dawg, can you break a C-note and they are like uh no don’t call me dawg and I don’t have change, and I’m like whatever, loser!

So here is what I’ve figured out: In order to buy a wallet you need to spend money. That means it comes out of a wallet. But you don’t have one. But let’s say you somehow buy a wallet, but then you don’t have money to put in it. Like, this is some kind of weird black hole/time-space thing, maybe.

For the past two days, Annietown was down. It was…Anniedown. Anyway, point is this. It’s back up. My friend Ravi hosts the site and he went on vacation to Brussels, where he is eating Brussels sprouts, obv. I mean what else would you eat there? Belgium chocolate? Yeah right. Try finding that in Brussels. They only have sprouts there. Anyway, Ravi asked his friend to deal with the Situation and now the Situation is just a distant memory from yesterday and earlier today. Man I barely remember that. Do you? Good. It was so bad you obviously blocked it out. Me too. What?

So what happened while I was gone? Hrm . . .

This McLaren rolled up in front of a bar. And, let me be clear, it’s NOT the stroller.

No. If someone rolled up in a stroller to the bar, I’d be like yeah righteouusss, let me get you a brew, Infant-beast.

But no, I mean a McLaren. It’s, like, the most obnoxious car ever. I am pretty certain it is made of douche.

You pop the hood, and it’s like all douche nozzles and dickpipes. And, like, a hamster running around in a wheel. So anyway this car rolls up, and two people crawl out. Like literally crawl out. It is a car not meant for anyone who has arms or legs. The McLaren is best suited for those who only have torsos. Seriously the seats looked tiny.

So the two people go into some bar, that sucks, it is not the bar we are in, which does not suck. And I say, you know what would be righteous. If someone did this:

DON’T WORRY HE WAS NOT ACTUALLY PEEING JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? The car costs like $1,000,000. That’s United States dollars! I am sure it has lasers that shoot people if they actually pee on it. Or like, it releases hounds.

I am trying to download Office on a computer. It is a Mac. I do not steal Office because I decide to do things the “legal” way because legalness is the way to go here, in this particular case for this particular person’s computer. So I go to the Microsoft website, there’s a big banner: HEY KIDS, IT’S BACK TO SCHOOL, GET MICROSOFT OFFICE FOR, LIKE, $99 OMG IT’S A SALE. I’m like Hell yeah motherfuckers! Let’s get ON this bitch! Everyone loves a bargain!

I go, it is purchased, I start the download, and that is when I SEE THE HUGE ERROR. It is downloading an exe file. This is a PC file. This is not a Mac file. I have just purchased PC version of Office for a MAC. THERE IS ERROR. MAJOR FAIL. Nay, ADMIRAL FAIL. It is a COLONEL failure of 11 secret herbs and spices. So I think to myself this is such horseshit. Here is why:

1. A website should know if you are accessing it from a PC or a Mac. This is not a supersecret thing. Many sites do this. If I am on a Mac and I need to buy and then download software, it should know, hey, you should get the Mac version because you are on a Mac!

2. But let’s say Option 1 is not an option because you do not know how to run or program a website even though you are a computing and software giant. If you are downloading a digital version of software, you should be given the HEY DOWNLOAD THE PC VERSION or HEY FRIEND, HERE’S THE MAC VERSION! BFF-4-EVA! This was not given to me. No.

3. There’s no 3, because 1 and 2 should be enough reason.

Surely I am not the only asshole this has happened to, right? Also! Mac version of Office is $50 more expensive. I wanted to just SHARE THAT WITH YOU. I have been penalized for being awesome. Fine. Suit yourself Microsoft. I could’ve stolen this crap, but I didn’t and now I realize I probably should’ve because stealing was actually easier than buying. You are MAKING ME STEAL, FOOL. You are turning me into some kind of criminal.

End of rant. Thank you for being a friend.

My coworker was at a garage sale and found an Addams Family calendar maker program for PC. She was like OMFG I’M SO GETTING THIS. It cost like, a quarter or something. Anyway, it is perfect because she loves the Addams Family and I love calendars. No just kidding. I hate calendars. But, I need calendars that I can customize for the jobby job. Listen, it’s not very interesting, just trust me when I say that I was stoked upon seeing this sweet, sweet Addams Family calendar maker. Like, holy shit, right? Right? ADDAMS FAMILY CALENDAR, PEOPLE. The “Wednesday” column will actually be Wednesday Effing Adams. Like, shut up!

But then she opens it and she’s like OMG HEY ANNIE CAN YOU OPEN THIS?

We start laughing. I mean, seriously, this is what you get for spending a quarter on a calendar maker, and not just doing it in Excel or Word or whatever. But, if we did that 1) It would not have cool Addams Family crap all over it and 2) It would require me having to make it, and I have better things to do with my time, like Twittering or trying to figure out what Beck is yelling in the beginning of “Hollywood Freaks” (It could be: hear my nut, he my nun, heed my nut. Or something. Also his real name is Bek Campbell. No shit.). Anyway, I haven’t seen a quarter-inch floppy in like, I dunno, ten years. My first computer had the FULL SIZED ones. Remember that? It was like the size of a fucking sheet of paper and you shoved it in your computer that had like 4 MB. Anyway so then we were kidding around and someone who is younger was like, what is that? And then a little piece of me kind of died. Sigh. Floppy disks people. We need some kind of museum so people don’t forget the past and repeat the mistakes. Anyway, so there’s no Addams Family calendar for me.

But wait? Our IT dude was like, I think…I COULD probably open that. And then we got so excited that I peed in my pants and she peed in my pants too. He’s going to try because he’s a nice guy, but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I mean it’s going to be sooo 2-bit spectacular. People will write songs about how awesome our calendar and schedules will be. Shut up.

I want to see Up, but the question is, how many dimensions?

Do I want TWO dimensions or do I want THREE dimensions?

Man, I remember the days when we had only one dimension. We gathered around the radio listening to our stories and then when the talkies came out, our minds were blown. Now it’s about three dimensions! That newfangled third dimension!

Listen, three dimensions seem a bit over the top. Soon, there’ll be FOUR dimensions! When will it stop? FIVE dimensions? We’ll see things in space, time, and like love or something? Laughter? Warm feelings? When we hit SIX dimensions, shit will be totally stupid. Movies will exist as shrimp chips. I say shrimp chips because it has a lot of MSG, which you know “expresses” umami, the sixth flavor.

Anyway point is, TWO or THREE. I mean normally I’d say of course do it in THREE because why do TWO when you can do THREE? But I watched Coraline in THREE and thought it was unnecessary to have the third especially since they didn’t make much use of it animation-wise. But the people at Pixar don’t suck at all so they might make the third really tasty. TASTY 3d. The D stands for chocolate, don’t ask me where they got the D from. It’s a mystery.