I am in the District of Columbia, also known as our nation’s capital. Their tagline is “Taxation without representation.” Aura pointed out that this is like saying “New York: High crime rate and pollution!”

One of the “bennies” of being a HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL PUBLISHED AUTHOR is that people drive you places and let you make a mess in the car. Since I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR but not really HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL we had to split the difference so I drove Aura down to D.C. and made a mess in her car. OK so she drove me part way too. But I did make a mess. Sorry Aura. I like M&M’s. You can tell because they are all over her car.

We are staying with Aura’s friends in our nation’s capital and they have the most amazing dogs ever, Big Fat Ralphie and Mimsy (who also answers to Toots). Ralphie does this freakin hot parlor (parlour?) trick where you make him sit and then you point and say BANG and he FALLS OVER ON HIS BACK. DUDE. Amazing right? Like I can do that trick too but somehow it’s not as impressive. Dunno why.

I am not going to lie. I woke up yesterday with an X-TREME hangover. My hangover could’ve gone on Fear Factor and kicked everyone’s non X-TREME poseur asses. The only thing that went into my stomach all day was Kashi Good Friends (which, by the way, is a real man’s cereal) and then the whiskey was fast and loose so I got kind of hammered. And when I mean “kind of” I mean “really a lot in an embarrassing way.” So if I didn’t make sense at the Croc Lounge, I apologize. The good news is that I woke up with all my clothes on and in my own apartment so at least some things went well. Or poorly depending on how you look at it I guess.

Yesterday my filthy co-workers over at BrainPOP ambushed the crap out of me with a surprise party to honor the release of the book. Karina had set up this “meeting” with me and some teachers and all week I had been trying to get out of it. Because I hate meetings. Teachers are OK, but meetings got to go. Anyway I figured it out when I was walking down the street and saw a bunch of my co-workers standing on the corner waiting to cross the street and I was like NO NO NO NO NO I’M RUNNING AWAY but Karina basically pushed me into the restaurant, which was the White Horse Tavern, which is where Dylan Thomas drank himself to death. Which was fitting. So there I am in front of all my co-workers who each had a copy of the book and then they asked me to read something aloud, which I did, and then sign books, which I did, and then drink, which, sadly, I did. So the hangover went away, but guess what? Woke up feeling pretty crappy this morning. But maybe that’s because I had to catch an early flight to San Francisco. Which is where I am now.

San Francisco says hi.

If you go to Barnes and Noble or any other bookseller, you will be able to find my book and in addition purchase the book. You may want to purchase several books, one for you, one for a friend, and one just to look at lovingly and perhaps use it as a coaster and/or trivet. So many uses for my book. Wallpaper, wrapping paper, projectile, something to use for dog poop, bird cage liner (note: I dislike birds severely unless they are birds that eat other birds), napkins. I mean it’s endless. Hrm, perhaps you should buy four.

I am on the shelf next to Bill Clinton. This makes me and Bill neighbors. I will invite him over for tea and cookies later, but I shall keep my intern away from him. Ha ha ha I don’t have an intern, psyyyyych! I am also under Winston Churchill and near Augusten Burroughs. Please let me know who else I am near.

I just found out HAPPY BIRTHDAY OR WHATEVER is going to be translated and sold in Korea! I’m totally excited about this and I haven’t signed anything yet or found a translator or anything like that, but how cool is that? I SAID HOW COOL IS THAT? Pretty fucking cool, right? So you can read the book in Korean in a year or so. I have no idea how the translation of my mom’s English will go down, but we’ll figure it out. Or not. Maybe I’ll have nothing to do with it because the only words I know in Korean are nouns. Like if it’s a verb, forget about it. When I talk, it’s like a shopping list. “Need food, water, car, restaurant.”

I gave an interview with the literary journal + website Small Spiral Notebook and now you can peep it here. Do I sound like a douche? I can’t tell. Probably. It’s hard to talk about writing without sounding douchey. Also my author’s photo is really kind of awful. In the rest of the photo I am actually RIDING A HORSE. One of those cheesy ones outside of supermarkets. But they had to cut it all off so I could fit in a square and now it’s just my silly face without the silly horse. Trapped in a square.

I just had so much Mexican food it is shameful. And beautiful. But also shameful. I am, in fact, ashamed. You might be asking, Donde esta la fiesta? The answer is in my stomach.