My co-worker and friend Brian is going to be on JEOPARDY! Can you believe that shit? It’s not surprising because Brian is seriously an idiot savant except he is not an idiot. I guess that would just make him a savant. He goes to pub trivia every week at Pete’s Candy Store and schools everyone’s asses. The only time he doesn’t win is when he is HOSTING it. It’s ludicrous. You know, I don’t even go because what is the goddamn point? Brian won’t let anyone on his team if they can’t name the vice presidents in order. To be perfectly honest, I always get too drunk at pub quiz to answer the questions so by the time we get to the visual round I am leaning on the table with my head in my hands and saying “oh god I think I am hungover already.” And then Mr. Pony yells at me, “ANNIE! Dude! WHO IS THIS SILENT FILM ACTOR?” And then sometimes I hobble home on the train and think, wow, why didn’t I take a cab? Because I was TOO DRUNK to think about a cab. And all this happens on a Wednesday. My problem is that it only takes one drink and I am absolutely stupid. I just can’t hold it. I mean I’ve tried and tried and have gone through rigorous training sessions, but it just hasn’t worked out for me. One drink and I’m stupid. At least I’m a cheap date. Anyway, congratulations Brian. Bring home the big bucks.

I’m pleased to report that the air conditioners in our office are not functioning. I’m very pleased. I am doing my happy dance. That’s the dance where I do the robot, go into the Cabbage Patch, and then hold up one finger. It’s the one between my index and ring fingers, in case you are wondering.

High of 97 degrees. That’s in Fahrenheit. For all you Celsius people, that’s 36 degrees.

Let’s talk about bowling. Bowling is the only thing my doctor has told me to avoid completely: “Your tendonitis is bullshit, don’t go bowling because it will break your fingers in half.” OK she didn’t say that exactly, but you get the idea. I said I would never go bowling because who even GOES bowling in the first place? I do not live in 1955. The only bowling people do now is on Wii and even then we all know Mario Tennis is better. Like I do not think it will be a problem to avoid bowling. It’s not like avoiding wheat or dairy (on a side note I had to go on a wheat- and dairy-free diet to figure out some allergy issues and I was totally angry and hungry all the time so I caved in after two weeks and told my doctor at the time that I rather die tomorrow by eating pasta than live forever and never eating toast again, and then he kind of gave me that passive-aggressive thing that doctors do, as if to say, sure, fine, WHATEVER, it’s your life and you’re going to die but hey, don’t let ME stop YOU from eating your precious toast. And I’m like holy shit am I paying you to be a total dick? So then I left for another doctor who was like yeah I’m not gonna force you to do anything unless you are in the throes of death because I am not a jerk. She is the best.) Anyway, what I mean to say is that not bowling is not a problem.

But then Pony came to visit from Hawaii and the whole office decided hey, let’s go bowling. And then I gave about a thousand other suggestions that does NOT involve bowling, such as air hockey, ping pong, skee ball, and trapeze lessons, which all got shot down because everyone I work with, especially Pony, is a real douchemeister. YES YOU HEAR THAT? YOU ARE A DOUCHEMEISTER.

But hey, I am a team player. I figure, I will go bowling but I will not bowl. I will watch and drink beer. Delicious beer full of wheat.

Done and done.

Anyway while at the alley, I figured out a new way to bowl that does not require me to break my fingers in half. It was a technique I knew would make all my coworkers talk mad shit and make fun of me but by that point I was drunk so who cares. They are all douchemeisters anyway. So I walk up as far as I can go in the lane and then do a granny roll between my legs, but I do it, very, very slowly with very, very little spin on it. It kind of just rolls straight ahead and then hits the pins squarely in the middle, and then I get a strike. Yes. That is HOW YOU DO IT. I was the winner and I was victorious. Granny tortoise style, much better than the crane or praying mantis style. Jackie Chan would be like, whoa, wtf, I am going to cop that shit for my next movie. And then Jet Li would do it. And then Steven Seagal would do it but like, no one would care. And then some place, somewhere, Jean Claude Van Damme would be like, I am going to make Bloodsport 8 in tortoise style and everyone would be confused because they thought Van Dam was dead and then he’d have to explain, no, I’m not dead, I’m just Belgian. And people would be like oh right, Belgian, like the waffles, you know, I thought you were Danish, like the pastry. And then Van Damme would sulk and get his fake tan on.

So bowling: I give you the thumbs up.

Yesterday Marco and I went to see the Greatest American Of Our Time And Anyone Else’s Time For That Matter, Stephen Colbert, at a taping of the Greatest American Show Of Our Time And Future Time, the Colbert Report. That man is a BEAST! I heart him. I want him to have many America-loving babies with me.

Stephen: Please have many America-loving babies with me.

Anyway before the taping of his show, he takes questions from the audience. And this one woman asked him, “So…are you fucking Matt Damon too?” And he says, “No…why? Does his dick taste like me?”

I then proceeded choke on my own saliva. OH dear sweet jesus, that made me laugh. That guy is so funny he should have his own show.

OK, my peoples, I still have some Homies left. So if you want one, I will mail it to you. I will even mail it overseas, to ANOTHER CONTINENT, but I am warning you, they are incredibly unimpressive. You’ll receive one and you’ll say, WTF I can’t believe that clown Annie sent me this piece of crap. Then you will go outside and kick some puppies, because that’s how pissed you will be. Damn you puppy, with your velvety nose and your big, brown eyes! I hate you!

Anyway, email me your snail mail address. You can find my email in the contact page.
<—- Over there, somewhere.

In other news, I received a gift in the mail from Alex. It is the gift of the world’s ultimate, most manliest man-hero alive, second only to Tom Selleck as Magnum P.I.–

DAVID HASSELHOFF AS MICHAEL KNIGHT.

It’s a 8×10 glossy black and white photo and he looks dreamy and delicious. He has nuthugging jeans and his eyes….those eyes…I can just get lost in them. It’s important to note that I was very much into the Hoff before he was on that stupid talent show. Even though he is even (more) overexposed, I still heart him. When he was drunk and eating a Whopper on the hotel room floor and sobbing at his daughter, I knew it was true love. Not that fake love you see at weddings. This is the real thing.

I need to rearrange my fridge so that the Hoff gets the real estate he deserves. It also means moving Ricky Martin somewhere else. On one hand, Ricky was there first. So he’d be like the Native American of my fridge, except he is Puerto Rican. But on the other hand, the Hoff is so clearly a force, a hairy, smoldering force with a white-man fro. How can Ricky even hope to compete? There will be a war.

Pictures to come…when I, uh, find my camera. I moved it to a new place and now I feel like those squirrels that can’t find their nuts. (Every time I use the word nuts, I want to go heh heh. Like, who does not want to do that? If you don’t, then you are a lying jackmule. I bet even Alan Greenspan laughs at “nuts.”)

This is my first blog post of 2008. Let me tell you, this post may look and feel exactly like a post from 2007, but don’t be fooled. It is a 2008-era blogging. You ladies and gents got your finger on the pulse. Do you feel that? What does it feel like? Is it ELECTRIC? This is the most current 2008 post until I write another one. Consider yourself “caught up” and “updated.” You are starting the new year right and on time. I’m proud of you. I’m also proud of myself for reasons I don’t even know, mostly because people tell me to be proud of myself. So I am. You should be proud of yourself too. Actually let’s all take a break and pat ourselves on the back. (I actually did that yesterday at work. Sometimes I do that and I feel like a jerk and then I think, wait, I am actually good at my job. Pat, pat, pat, pat).

My family doesn’t celebrate Christmas, despite my parents being super-Catholic, so everyone did their own thing, just like any other night, and I had dinner with the Moyer family. Mike is an old friend from college and my parents happened to move two miles away from his parents, so it’s all convenient. What I learned is that the Moyer family will not eat anything unless it’s made out of pork, duck, or pork and duck. And butter. And alcohol. Yet everyone is pretty thin and healthy so it’s all very confusing. But pork and duck are close friends of the Moyer family. Mike has duck set to speed dial on his phone. It’s ranked higher than his sisters. Well actually duck is ranked higher than Maggie, but not as high as Kate. They are twins. Mike really likes his sisters but he also really likes duck. So he just sort of split the twins up to make it fair. Also it is interesting to note that Mike also took Virgin America and they also LOST HIS LUGGAGE. His came on the next flight though. Mine didn’t.

New Year’s was spent with my friends and not my family, which was the most amazing thing ever. I went to my friend’s party and there was a very good mix of architects and non-architects and also a very good mix of alcohol. I did not feel well the next day. I did feel guilty about not being with my family but then I fell back asleep so that was cool.

I also forgot to mention that my toilet overflowed at home and it was so bad I don’t even want to talk about it. So I called my super but he wasn’t home so he sent his son who is a nice kid but is not a super. He tried to snake the pipe and then flushed and all of the sudden I was like NOOOOOOOO in slow-motion because of course the toilet overflowed again. And he started to panic and I’m like TURN IT OFF OH MY GOD TURN IT OFF TURN OFF THE WATER and he’s like WHERE? WHERE? WHERE? I’m like THE LITTLE KNOB RIGHT THERE COME ON. So then he called his mom to help him out. It was like watching my brother and my mom fight over fixing something. Totally awful. I started getting itchy and everything.

Then my landlord decided, hey, you like heat? TOO BAD. Then he mooned everyone in the building. But wait, he said, don’t you like the little wreaths I put up in the hallways? That was a nice and festive touch don’t you think? YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE NICE AND FESTIVE MR. LANDLORD? HEAT.

For my birthday, Aura got me an Aeroccino. Do you know of this machine from the future? It is from the same team of GENIUSES who brought you the Nespresso machine. Get on this: It’s a machine that froths milk. You think, hah, frothy milk is for the anemic unicorn-lovers who like milk in their coffee because they are too weak to take it straight up and black like a real man. I don’t care. I like my milk frothy. I will dye it pink and add fairies and glitter and My Little Ponies if I have to. This machine seriously KICKS ASS. You open the top. You put in (soy) milk. You wait. For three seconds. Then MAGICAL FROTHY MILK comes out and you add it to your awesome coffee, making it infinitissimo awesome. I know you are jealous. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. Unlike parents I can’t say “I haven’t been this happy since my kid was born.” And I can’t say “This is the happiest day of my life since my wedding.” I kind of feel like those answers are cheating anyway. No, sorry, you can’t use your lover or your kids anymore as an example of how happy you are. Anyway, I literally can’t think the last time I was this happy. I should quit my job and work for Nespresso but seriously I don’t think I’m smart enough. They are geniuses. They have STEEL TRAPS for brain. I have like a picket fence with termites.

I saw Transformers on Tuesday night and I have to say, it really fulfilled every need. If you

A) like robots
B) like cars
C) like planes
D) like robots turning into cars and planes
E) like things that go boom and catch on fire

then you won’t be disappointed. I am totes serious as the kids say. If you are expecting some kind of earth-shattering statement on politics and technology and the human race, you will also not be disappointed. Meaning that the Earth actually shatters in the movie so that is kind of cool. And there is also some kind of statement on politics and technology and the human race but I don’t know what that was because I was too busy FOCUSING ON THE CARS TRANSFORMING INTO REALLY SWEET ROBOTS THAT BLOW SHIT UP. I kind of wish they had lasers but I mean they are only cars, that’d just be too extreme. (AS IN EXTREMELY COOL, DAMN YOU TRANSFORMERS.)

The editing was kind of crappy, not that I cared. I mean things were blowing up why am I even going there. Also the director recycles the same shot over and over from like all of his own movies, but whatever. Why am I even talking about that? THERE IS A ROBOT THAT TURNS INTO A TANK, WHO CARES. What really bummed me out was that the transformations didn’t really make mechanical sense like in the toys. It just looked like a big Rubik’s Cube and then ta-daaa robot! In the toys it was all cool to see that the wheels become the joints on Optimus Prime’s legs. Oh man I am totally geeking out here. But let me geek out some more:

I’m sad they didn’t get the actual voice actor for Starscream who was also the voice of the Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe. He didn’t really talk in the movie so there was no cheeky Deceptocon humor. They focused on the humans as if you know we care about them. DUDE ROBOTS COME ON.

Tonight I’m seeing I’m a Cyborg but That’s OK starring Rain, also known as the Justin Timberlake of Korea. The guy is unstoppable, I think he is out King of Popping the actual King of Pop in Asia. Anyway it’s directed by Park Chan Wook, so a romantic comedy seems a little off but probably pretty cool. But I am told there are no robots despite the title, which kind of bummed me out. But Rain is nice to look at. Rain if you are reading this I think we should go out because I bet my mom would be like totes into you.

My friend Aaron just got a new computer. It is FROM THE FUTURE, and by the looks of things I’d say that the FUTURE KICKS ASS and I cannot wait to get there. Seriously. I am waiting for it to happen but it’s all happening very slowly. This future thing can use a little speeding up. Note to future: HURRY UP. NEVER KEEP A LADY WAITING.

1. Aaron’s computer has drain holes.
If you spill coffee, it will drain nstead of frying up your hot jam. This is something that was designed with me in mind. IBM experts and engineers (from the future) actually sat down and thought, What would Annie need? How does she mess shit up everyday and how can we prevent her from messing shit up everyday? And the answer is DRAIN HOLES. If there is water or coffee or any other kind of liquid near me, it will wind up inside my computer. Or my keyboard. Or my mouse. I started drinking out of bottles instead of cups so I can limit the amount of equipment I destroy, but it still doesn’t do me any good. I need a sippy cup but that looks…really stupid at work.

2. Aaron’s computer has a roll bar.
This is like the SUV of laptops. There’s a roll bar and when the computer is falling it apparently KNOWS that it’s falling and locks up the harddrive. It knows! Like it’s thinking: Hey I’m falling, I better lock up my hot jam. Totally ridiculous, right? It’s also made with titanium so you can throw it out of a window or at a co-worker if it pisses you off. Apparently in the future, computers protect you from yourself. But also protects you from others.

3. Aaron’s computer would have the fingerprint reader if he spent a measly extra $30, but he decided to be cheap and now he is full of sorrow and regret.
You can get a fingerprint reader to log on to everything. So let’s say you want to log in to your mail or to MySpace or to a cool website like www.give-annie-a-bucket-o-cash-and-a-cookie.org. You can just swipe your finger on the mousepad. DUDE! It’s the future! Aaron, if you are reading this, you are a dork. Why are you scared of the future?

Of course, the future has some disadvantages. Aaron tells me his computer locks up once a day and yells at him and makes him feel bad about himself. Like it says “System Error! You are worthless and nobody loves you.” or “Contact your Administrator: You can stand to lose a few pounds.” or “Error: You are ugly. I hate you.” or “Fatal Error: No one respects you.” That’s tough. I guess in the future no one minces words. They just lay it all down. In the future, computers do not tolerate losers. Fair but strict.

I have battled the MONSTERS OF MEMOIR and I have emerged VICTORIOUS. The MONSTERS are slayed! Who’s a winner? ME. No wait, YOU. Crap, how can I decide? We are all winners. winners = us

Thanks to everyone who caught a reading and also caught bronchitis (sorry about that). I can’t thank you enough for all your support and your gracious pimpage of Happy Birthday or Whatever. Special thanks to all the friends who housed me and fed me and drove me and all the good people at the fine, quality booksellers and bars that hosted me and my stupid book. Now I shall sleep. Oh wait, I’m at work. They won’t like that.

So what is next? That is a good question. I’m working on a young adult novel with a friend and working on a screenplay about zombies in the workplace. It’s a comedy. If Harper lets me write a sequel, I’ll do it. My mother wants to go on a trip with me through Asia, which sounds like the worst idea ever, so I’ll probably do it. Just thinking about that gives me hives. And I’ll continue to work. Because if I don’t, I will starve. There is no money in books, sadly. You know where else there is no money? IN MY WALLET.

Let’s see what else will I do? Keep the blogorrhea alive. Laundry. See a movie. Make some scrambled eggs. Bathe. Think about why towels smell after you use them. It’s like you bathe, you are clean. And yet the towel smells. Gross, right? Man I am so busy, lots of things to think about.

Stay tuned.