Both of my lightbulbs went out. When I say “both” I really mean “all the lightbulbs in my apartment.” (Not counting the lamp on my dresser, which is also my nightstand, because that’s how small my apartment is.) I have “track lighting” which is a total joke because A) the track is like five inches long, why even bother and B) my apartment is so clearly a dump and my landlord thought that track lighting would make it “more inviting and therefore more profitable” which is totally absurd because it’s like putting a Band-aid on a broken leg. OK this is not the point.

Both the lightbulbs went out so I grabbed a step stool to unscrew the dead ones and I realized, HOLY CRAP I CAN’T REACH. So then I went on my tippy toes which is hard because one toe is hozed (bone bruise by the way, not broken, but it still sucks) so I had to just do tippy toes on one foot which is a very dangerous situation. But that didn’t work. So I grabbed a chair which is only slightly bigger than the step stool and oh what’s this? I STILL CAN’T REACH. I guess all the years I’ve been living here I’ve gotten some kind of giant manslave to change it. So then I got my animal encyclopedia which is about 2-3 inches thick and stood on top of that and then went on my tippy toes and then I could just barely reach. I am pathetic. PATHETIC.

So in conclusion: I am short.

And in addition: My apartment sucks.

Thank you.

I am in the District of Columbia, also known as our nation’s capital. Their tagline is “Taxation without representation.” Aura pointed out that this is like saying “New York: High crime rate and pollution!”

One of the “bennies” of being a HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL PUBLISHED AUTHOR is that people drive you places and let you make a mess in the car. Since I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR but not really HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL we had to split the difference so I drove Aura down to D.C. and made a mess in her car. OK so she drove me part way too. But I did make a mess. Sorry Aura. I like M&M’s. You can tell because they are all over her car.

We are staying with Aura’s friends in our nation’s capital and they have the most amazing dogs ever, Big Fat Ralphie and Mimsy (who also answers to Toots). Ralphie does this freakin hot parlor (parlour?) trick where you make him sit and then you point and say BANG and he FALLS OVER ON HIS BACK. DUDE. Amazing right? Like I can do that trick too but somehow it’s not as impressive. Dunno why.