Annietown

My Apartment Continues to be Piece of Shit

I’ve been in my apartment for about 8 years now and for 8 years it has been a piece of shit. I knew that when I moved in, so it’s not like a surprise or anything. However, every few years everything falls apartment and then I realize how TRULY shittay my apartment is. I mean shittaay. You find one problem and suddenly it is like a million problems. Just as Biggie said mo money, mo problems, but in my case it is mo problems without mo money, other than paying mo money toward this shittay apartment because my rent goes up every year, so yeah, I guess in that case it is mo money, mo problems, but I’m not rolling in a fat ride with bitchez in the back or anything. Side note: No one says ‘fat’ anymore. Like oh that is a fat blog, bro!

So the contractor came, and he’s a nice man, with just a working command of the English language. And he is coming to deal with the cabinet, which I thought was fine, but just askew. Until someone said, dude, did you know your cabinet is like coming off the wall? And I then imagined my cabinet falling on top of me and, more importantly, my computer which is really probably the most expensive and most valuable thing in my life. Now some people may say good health is most valuable or love or children or good friends or unicorn princess fairies or baby back ribs, but you and I both know that it’s my computer. Sidenote: You should back up your computer today.

Anyway the man looks at the situation and he goes aye aye aye and turns to me and says, “This is no good” which really applies to my entire apartment, not just my cabinet. He’s like some kind of sage. Anyway he explains to me that the ENTIRE cabinet is held up by TWO screws and ONE screw is broken. He shows it to me. It is like this teensy skinny screw broken in half. So this cabinet with all of its stuff is being held up by one anemic little screw. Luckily the cabinet is jammed against a wall so it’s just wedged in the corner. So there you go. He puts in three more screws, using beefy Man-screws made out of bacon and he says, do you want me to put in more screws? And I say YES, SCREW THEM ALL. I literally say that actually without thinking. But as I said, his English isn’t expert or anything so he lost all the subtle nuances of SCREWING THEM ALL.

So then I say, hey, while I have you here….I point to the doorknob to my pantry which is about fifteen inches wide. Not even kidding you. The door is petite. The pantry is petite. Not sure why they even gave me a door really. The doorknob doesn’t turn and the door is falling off the wall. So he screws that in there and says “Be careful. You can lock you out of your food.” I really would not want to be locked out of my food. That’s up there with busting my computer.

And then there’s an issue with the bathroom step, which is falling apart. The wood’s coming apart and there’s this piece of “marble” that’s cracked. And he says “Why this here?” As if I was the one who put a step there. It makes no sense why the bathroom is a step up from my apartment but I guess it’s because the poo pipes are under there, I don’t know I’m not an architect. So he has to fix that.

And then he says, there’s this crack that’s running down that wall, you should plaster that and it’s time to paint, it’s been a long time. Which is true. Seriously it is never going to end. But what I really want is for him to replace the vinyl tiles because it is gray and depressing and about fifteen years ago some asshole who lived here tracked in gum into the house and now it’s petrified into the beautiful vinyl flooring. Sad face.

So really what I should do is either level this apartment and re do it from the ground up or I should JUST MOVE ALREADY.

CONCLUSION

ATTENTION: MOUSE HAS BEEN CAUGHT. SUCCESS! IT IS THE ONLY SUCCESSFUL THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE.

TURNS OUT THAT THE MOUSE VERY MUCH ENJOYED ORGANIC PEANUT BUTTER FROM THE WHOLE FOODS WITH AN ORGANIC ROASTED WALNUT GARNISH. IT IS A VERY BOURGEOISIE MOUSE BECAUSE IT LIVES IN NEW YORK CITY, IN SOHO. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT THIS MOUSE DOES NOT KEEP IT REAL IN THE STREETS. ACTUALLY, RIGHT BEFORE EATING ITS SNACK AND THEN DYING, IT WAS READING THE NEW YORKER AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WINE SELECTION IN MY APARTMENT. IT WAS JUST ABOUT TO WRITE A TUMBLR POST OF ANIMAL COLLECTIVE’S INSTALLATION AT THE GUGGENHEIM WHEN IT HAPPENED UPON THIS VERY DELICIOUS, VERY BOURGEOISIE LOCAVORE RAW ORGANIC SNACK AND THEN, GOT ITS NECK SNAPPED. I VERY MUCH DOUBT IT ENJOYED DYING. LISTEN. I DON’T FEEL BAD. I DON’T. SUE ME. NO I DARE YOU, EFFING SUE ME YOU CLOWNS. ALSO, I’M TOTALLY OVER THE NEW YORKER. I AM MORE OF A HARPER’S PERSON.

NOW, I SHALL SANITIZE MY ENTIRE APARTMENT. INCLUDING MY OVEN. MY OVEN, YOU GUYS, IT WAS IN MY EFFING OVEN!!!!

THEN, I SHALL RESUME writing blog posts in upper and lowercase so I can stop yelling at you. I’m sorry for yelling, I…just get so excited. And ragey.

VICTORY!