I have trapped a cockroach in my bathtub underneath a Tupperware container. It is ready if you want to take it “to go” or for “take away.” It will stay fresh. You can have leftovers tomorrow.

Please help me. My neighborhood smells very bad. It smells like feta cheese. It also smells like hot trash and pee and B.O. and also like room-temperature plain yogurt. Sometimes it smells like bacon. But mostly it smells like feta cheese and every time I walk out of my apartment I feel “totes nosh” and want to vomit in my own mouth. It turns out that the culprit is a tree. It is very large tree. It has bark and branches and green leaves just like a regular tree but it also has fruit that is filled with feta cheese. It is a feta tree. I know you thought that feta came from sheep, but actually it grows on trees, just like money. I keep thinking that at some point the fruit will all be gone, but the tree keeps making more feta. It wants to share it with the world, as if to say, “hello friend, please, have some fruit. It tastes salty and smells like socks.” It wants birds to take the feta fruit and carry it to faraway places where more feta trees can grow, but I can tell you right now the birds are looking at the feta fruit and they are like “You’re kidding right? We didn’t even eat this shit during the Depression.” I think it’s actually a ginko tree but my friend Brian is positive that it’s a sheep-eating feta tree. So if you have sheep, you will not want to walk it around my neighborhood. Just a little friendly warning. Leave the sheep at home.

Tomorrow night if you are in the fair City of New York, I will be giving a presentation at Pecha Kucha, which is kind of like Powerpoint karaoke. There will be 20 slides, 20 seconds each slide. The computer is set and I can’t control it. So basically if it’s boring, you will be spared. There will be extremely hip and potentially annoying and mostly pretentious designers and architects in attendance and you can look at the speaker list here. I’ll be talking about “Dear Architects.” I hope it’s funny. I haven’t written it yet.

I am not a fan of Mute Math, but they really just have the most KICK ASS video ever. Check it out here. Note how everything is backward, but the singer and the drummer are playing along. So awesome. The sad part is that their music probably sounds better backward. Coldplay did a similar video a while ago but Coldplay makes my ears bleed with boredom. Whenever I hear them I think, oh dear, it’s you again. I thought we got rid of you, but here you are, with that voice. I don’t trust men with voices that high. They are hiding something. I love how people used to say that Coldplay was the new Radiohead which was so stupid because Radiohead is the new Radiohead.

This weekend I am going camping with a bunch of people, some I know, most I don’t, to Lake George, which is in upstate New York. I am presuming by the name that there is a lake involved. Which means various kinds of wildlife, all of which will want to bite me and give me hives and possibly an infection. I am so allergic to nature that I’m surprised that I actually agreed to this camping business. If you are ever need bug repellant, then just keep me around. Everything will ignore you and just hang out on me like I’m some kind of insect discoteque. Anyway I figure it’ll be good for me to go see some nature so I can understand my enemy.

I went camping a few years ago in Maine with some friends and around the same time some crazyperson in Maine was hiding in/under women’s port-a-potties on campgrounds so he could look up their skirts. There are so many things wrong with that I can’t even start. I mean really. There is some idiom in Taiwanese that is said about “special” people which loosely translates to “someone has to marry him/her.” In other words, there is someone for everyone. So if you want to look up a woman’s skirt, just ask. She may say yes, you never know. Haha. Anyway, the point is that the whole thing really freaked me out but then all the mosquitos bit the crap out of me so I forgot about the latrine lunatic all together.

Today at BrainPOP, I’m writing a movie on lice. And I want to vomit in my own mouth, only to swallow it, so I can vomit again.

Seriously, the best way to kill your appetite and perhaps destroy your will to live is to research and write about lice and their eggs, called nits. Nits are tan/brown before they hatch and then white after they’ve hatched. Oh my god this is so gross.

Then of course there’s body lice but I’m only focusing on head lice. That is a whole other “situation”, one which belongs in the “Situation Room” and out of my brain.

I’ve had lice TWICE, as in two times! Once in kindergarten when the entire class got it. My mother was totally mortified and kept blaming my classmates and the teacher and then blamed Americans all together, as if they don’t have it in Korea or something. And then I got it again in seventh grade from my friend Karen’s little brother who was in first grade. That was awful. My hair was way past my shoulders and Karen had to sit there with this metal comb and get rid of all the dead parasites. What a total nightmare. And of course my mother was like, damn white people and their lice.

Right now, as I write, I keep itching my head and thinking oh man what if I have lice? Apparently Brooklyn has a bedbug problem which is just disgusting, and to be honest I rather have lice because I think it’s easier to get rid of, though I could be wrong. Maybe bedbugs are better. I don’t know. I can’t choose. Why must I choose? Stop making me choose, shut up.