Q: Who was the rapper featured in Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract”?

A: People will say, EASY PEASY IT WAS MC SKAT KAT! And I would say, OMG you are a total dork, holy crap, but guess what? You are SO wrong. It’s the Wild Pair!!!

Q: Who directed that video? (This one will BLOW YOUR MIND.)

A: David Fincher.

(Fight Club,Seven, Panic Room, The Game, etc.)

He also directed “Vogue,” “Express Yourself,” and “Janie’s Got a Gun,” among others.

This is the second time “Janie’s Got a Gun” has come up. Yesterday I was eating at Once Upon a Tart with JoMo and they were blaring Aerosmith like it was 1991. He asked me “Do you think Aerosmith knows all their songs sound the same?” The answer was obviously no, which is why they sound the same. Like I can just see their creative process: ok how about I start with this this soft guitar riff…how about in 4/4. Something easy…like maybe I play these two notes back and forth over and over again. OK! Great idea, Joe! Then I’ll come in a little louder! OK! Rock on, Joe! And then Steven, you scream and yowl like this yoooowwwwllllleeeeeeeee. OMG that is the best song we’ve ever come up with! High fives all around!

But seriously, Aerosmith, wtf. They’ve been around forever too that is the sad part. For the last twenty years they have literally been singing and selling the same EXACT SONG. They are loaded from ONE SONG. And all the videos where Alicia Silverstone traipses around wearing one or more of the following:

-bikini
-mini skirt
-Catholic school uniform

Man, I wish I were Aerosmith. It’d be so awesome.

Thanks to everyone who came out last night to the Last Known Settlers show. And, uh, sorry about being so late. Heather got fucked picking me and my crap up due to all the stupid street fairs (I mean how much fried dough could one eat in this town?) and then we got stuck in TRAFFIC in Chinatown/Little Italy. We were both overcome by blinding rage, and guess what, when you are blind it is really hard to drive. There was a lot of yelling involved. A lot of yelling at cabbies and tourists and completely oblivious girls in the middle of the street on their cell phones with their boobs hiked up to their chin, or as Heath puts it, “Wearing their boobs like a necklace.” Indeed. We both agreed that we liked boobs and liked necklaces but as entirely separate entities. Anyway we got to the show, I ran in, set my crap up at lightening speed and then let it rip. Sorry if I blew right past you or mowed you over on my way to the stage. Then at the end the sound guy was haggling us like OMG GET OFF THE STAGE! He said this as I was in fact, TRYING TO GET OFF THE STAGE.

Anyway thanks to everyone, especially Brian who I think has been to like EVERY LKS show ever, and to Steve who came all the way from Westchester because apparently that is where all the hip, old people live now. He got a Homie and a hot pink ninja for his troubles. Also there was a group of “weirdos” there and the only name I caught was Mike. Everyone else was really stingy with the names. Don’t be stingy with names. You have one so you can share it with others. That reminds me of “That’s my name, don’t wear it out! Nyeh nyeh nyeh!” Do you remember that? Ha ha ha, god kids are so lame. And yet here I am, laughing about it.

For all those who want to go to a street fair, there’s one on Lafayette below Houston. Enjoy. Go get some corn. Some lemonade. Some fried dough. A cannoli. And then buy a stupid shirt or a sack of athletic socks for $3. Dude, every street fair in the city has the SAME CRAP it’s unbelievable that it still goes on as it does. And all it does is get in my way on the way to rocking. STOP KEEPING ME FROM ROCKING, STREET FAIRS. I’m on to your silly game.

My band Last Known Settlers just launched a website. You can find it here. You can enjoy our tunes via Muxtape here. I threw all of it together in like an hour, not so bad, right? This is why I love the internets. It makes it easy to make more internets so it’s like continuously exploding all over itself. Very messy. Anyway we’ll be playing a show on Saturday night - 8pm at the Delancey (Delancey btwn Clinton and Attorney). Some come out if you are around. If not, just know you’ll be missing the GREATEST NIGHT ROCK AND ROLL HAS EVER SEEN. Jk jk jk It’ll be like the second greatest night. The first greatest night was when the Hoff sang on top of the Berlin Wall.

Also writer’s block. I kind of have it. It is problematic. I’m not sure if I have to relax or if I have to like get angry. Sometimes I write better when I’m filled with rage. No idea, it’s just like that. So quick, someone, make me angry. HURRY!

With the help of an anonymous architect, I have tricked out my chair. It is so tight and so pimp that every chair within a 300 mile radius is weeping from jealousy. They look at themselves and they wonder, why, baby Jesus, why can’t I be pimp? Am I forever damned to this life of mediocrity? Is there any hope?

Oh, but there is.

I have posted directions on how to turn your stupid, non-pimp, and non-tight chair into the Rick James of chairs (crack pipe not included). You can read about it on the Emeco blog, over here. But heed this warning: If you cannot handle the pimp, you should not even bother looking. I mean it. This chair is only for people who understand the power of pimp and can use it for good and not evil. Good meaning pimping and hustling. Evil meaning everything else.

And in other news: Last Known Settlers, my rock n’ roll band, has put up musical tunes for your enjoyment. You can check it out on MySpace because we don’t actually have a “real” website and Nathan would totally freak out right now if he knew, but shh don’t tell him. It’s our little secret. If you see Nathan please do not mention this to him.

I am going to Los Angeles in a few weeks to visit the family, i.e. get annoyed. I called my mother on Thanksgiving and told her I was going to spend it with a big group of friends, and she asked “Everyone you friend marry? Or are they….SINGLE?” Gasp! Choke! Sputter!

OH GOD NO NOT SINGLE PEOPLE!

Anyway I told her that we were all single and old and unhappy and we’d all sit around the table wiping our tears, and then after pumpkin pie the girls would have a contest to see whose ovaries were more barren. Clearly I’d be the winner. My womb looks just like the Gobi Desert, with camels and everything. She did not think this was funny. I kind of thought it was funny though. But I am one of those people who laughs really really hard at their own jokes. I am my own best friend.

But here is a fact: 41% of Americans 18 and older are unmarried/single.

This is a real fact. Not one of the fake ones you see on TV. Anyway it is almost like 90 million people. So for everyone out there who has to deal with a parent complaining about your barren womb stuffed with camels and scorpions and roving bands of nomads, fear not, my friend. You are in good company.

I am not a fan of Mute Math, but they really just have the most KICK ASS video ever. Check it out here. Note how everything is backward, but the singer and the drummer are playing along. So awesome. The sad part is that their music probably sounds better backward. Coldplay did a similar video a while ago but Coldplay makes my ears bleed with boredom. Whenever I hear them I think, oh dear, it’s you again. I thought we got rid of you, but here you are, with that voice. I don’t trust men with voices that high. They are hiding something. I love how people used to say that Coldplay was the new Radiohead which was so stupid because Radiohead is the new Radiohead.

This weekend I am going camping with a bunch of people, some I know, most I don’t, to Lake George, which is in upstate New York. I am presuming by the name that there is a lake involved. Which means various kinds of wildlife, all of which will want to bite me and give me hives and possibly an infection. I am so allergic to nature that I’m surprised that I actually agreed to this camping business. If you are ever need bug repellant, then just keep me around. Everything will ignore you and just hang out on me like I’m some kind of insect discoteque. Anyway I figure it’ll be good for me to go see some nature so I can understand my enemy.

I went camping a few years ago in Maine with some friends and around the same time some crazyperson in Maine was hiding in/under women’s port-a-potties on campgrounds so he could look up their skirts. There are so many things wrong with that I can’t even start. I mean really. There is some idiom in Taiwanese that is said about “special” people which loosely translates to “someone has to marry him/her.” In other words, there is someone for everyone. So if you want to look up a woman’s skirt, just ask. She may say yes, you never know. Haha. Anyway, the point is that the whole thing really freaked me out but then all the mosquitos bit the crap out of me so I forgot about the latrine lunatic all together.