I have battled the MONSTERS OF MEMOIR and I have emerged VICTORIOUS. The MONSTERS are slayed! Who’s a winner? ME. No wait, YOU. Crap, how can I decide? We are all winners. winners = us

Thanks to everyone who caught a reading and also caught bronchitis (sorry about that). I can’t thank you enough for all your support and your gracious pimpage of Happy Birthday or Whatever. Special thanks to all the friends who housed me and fed me and drove me and all the good people at the fine, quality booksellers and bars that hosted me and my stupid book. Now I shall sleep. Oh wait, I’m at work. They won’t like that.

So what is next? That is a good question. I’m working on a young adult novel with a friend and working on a screenplay about zombies in the workplace. It’s a comedy. If Harper lets me write a sequel, I’ll do it. My mother wants to go on a trip with me through Asia, which sounds like the worst idea ever, so I’ll probably do it. Just thinking about that gives me hives. And I’ll continue to work. Because if I don’t, I will starve. There is no money in books, sadly. You know where else there is no money? IN MY WALLET.

Let’s see what else will I do? Keep the blogorrhea alive. Laundry. See a movie. Make some scrambled eggs. Bathe. Think about why towels smell after you use them. It’s like you bathe, you are clean. And yet the towel smells. Gross, right? Man I am so busy, lots of things to think about.

Stay tuned.

The last day of my MONSTERS OF MEMOIR tour has come and let me tell you, I am happy. Ecstatic. Thrilled even. I am actually sick of the sound of my own voice. PSYCHHHHHHH! NO way! I love my own voice! It’s so beautiful and soft and calming and peaceful and it never curses or yells things or gets me in trouble.

The final stop of the MONSTERS OF MEMOIR tour is on THURSDAY at Bluestockings Radical Books, which is located at 172 Allen between Stanton and Rivington. The reading begins at 7:00 post meridien.

Please note that YES BLuestockings is kind of an anarchist bookstore and YES it is apparently also a gay bookstore, but if you love gays and you love anarchists, then this is the place for you. There is also free trade coffee and probably some kind of vegan baked good. So if you like those, they will be available. Dredlocks and Molotov cocktails are free. Hugs will cost you. At least from me.

I’m reading with poets: Carly Sachs, Alexander Dickow, and Amy Lawless

and of course ANNIE CHOI.

So yes, come this Thursday! If you can’t then I must present you with the FINGER and send you a box of diapers, you big baby.

I have lost my voice. It has run away from me. If you find my voice, please return it to me. I’m not sure where my voice has gone. Maybe it escaped to Mexico, along with my sanity and money. Either way, I sound like I’m going through puberty, again which would be nice because I would love to grow another few inches and totes be crushing all hard on Tommy from homeroom. I don’t think I have a cold, but I’ve been coughing a lot which annoyed my voice, so she decided she would not stick around. The problem is that I am still on my MONSTERS OF MEMOIR tour and this laryngitis thing has dampened the fun factor. Forecast today: slightly cloudy with a chance of LAME.

Yesterday I gave a little reading/lecture/Q&A to Girls Write Now, a non-profit that hooks up inner-city high school girls with writing mentors. They were an awesome bunch of whipsmart girls and I recommend donating time or money to them. YES GIVE THEM YOUR MONIES. I managed to squeak everything out, but today my voice was completely shot and I had a reading at the 440 Gallery in Park Slope. I went up to the mic and a bunch of garbage came out of my mouth that no one could understand. (This happens to me a lot but not because of laryngitis.) So then my friend Rebecca stepped in and read the piece for me. So a big up and a WOO HOO to Rebecca for being my stand-in. YOU ROCK. She did not impersonate my parents, though I kind of thought she should have gone balls out gung ho rambo. But you know, she’s not Korean but rather a Jew from Boston so it might look offensive or something. Anyway if any of you ever need someone to read something, I highly recommend hiring Rebecca. She’s got a nice voice. In fact, I think she stole mine.

The reading at Olsson’s was fun and in addition very fun, so thanks to everyone who came out and showed their support. Special thanks to Alston, Tim, Ralphie, and Mimsy for letting me crash at their apartment. Olsson’s is a kick ass bookstore so if you live in our nation’s capital or the environs you should buy your bound goods from them. They have a killer stock and they’re hosting some ninja writers this month. DO IT. What is even more awesomulent is that I read there and they are not going out of business, so that is a plus.

I think that the service areas in Maryland are rather nice. Conversely, the service areas in Delaware are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Instead of gas stations, Delaware decided everyone should pay tolls just to drive across their state. Also New Jersey, it’s big. Also they do not let you pump your own gas so if you want to feel like a real celebrity, go to New Jersey. Anyway I don’t mean to harsh on Delaware, it is after all the “First State.” That’s much better than “Taxation without representation.” I do have a friend from Delaware, so apparently people do live there. They also have tax free shopping, that is what the billboards promised me anyway.

I am in the District of Columbia, also known as our nation’s capital. Their tagline is “Taxation without representation.” Aura pointed out that this is like saying “New York: High crime rate and pollution!”

One of the “bennies” of being a HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL PUBLISHED AUTHOR is that people drive you places and let you make a mess in the car. Since I am a PUBLISHED AUTHOR but not really HUGELY AND WIDELY SUCCESSFUL we had to split the difference so I drove Aura down to D.C. and made a mess in her car. OK so she drove me part way too. But I did make a mess. Sorry Aura. I like M&M’s. You can tell because they are all over her car.

We are staying with Aura’s friends in our nation’s capital and they have the most amazing dogs ever, Big Fat Ralphie and Mimsy (who also answers to Toots). Ralphie does this freakin hot parlor (parlour?) trick where you make him sit and then you point and say BANG and he FALLS OVER ON HIS BACK. DUDE. Amazing right? Like I can do that trick too but somehow it’s not as impressive. Dunno why.

Thanks to everyone who came out to Barnes and Noble in Boston despite the Red Sox game messing it up for the people on the streets. And thanks especially to Andy who let me crash at his place and eat all of his Cheerios. Seriously. Why is cereal so delicious? Cereal, I love you. Why must you be so expensive? Why won’t you love me back?

On Monday I head out to the District of Columbia for a reading at 7:00. Please, if you know anyone in the D.C. area, force them to go to Olsson’s. I promise delicious and warm, pleasing vittles (i.e. MY KNOWLEDGE).

To celebrate the opening of my friend’s store Clarabella, I’ll be doing a reading and signing. The store is located at 279 E. Houston between Clinton and Suffolk. I’ll start reading at 7:30 and I won’t finish until I’ve read the entire book aloud, including the copyright page. Ha ha ha no seriously. Bring a folding chair. This will be a good opportunity to buy something nice. I recommend the rings made out of silver and concrete. DUDE! Concrete rings! DO IT.

And to all you Boston-area bruisers: See you tonight at BU Barnes and Noble (on Beacon) at 7:00. After we will drink and eat babies.

A big thank you to everyone who came out to KGB last night. I had a good time and it was A+ to see some old friends, including Paige an old co-worker from The Hill (who has one of those accents you just want him to keep talking forever and like maybe read the phone book to you as you fall asleep), and my brother’s friend from high school Howard and his ladyfriend TJ. I probably hadn’t seen Howard since I was like 14 or something and Mike had sent him to “beat me up.” Awesome. Anyway that’s been the best part about writing a book - all the people from your past who come out of the woodwork to see you. In L.A. my friend’s entire family (mom, dad, brother, cousin, kid, aunt, jesus, mary chain) came to see me in Santa Monica and they live in LONG BEACH. WTF. And I hadn’t even met them before! I guess what I’m saying is that all the ice around my heart is slowly melting and I am experiencing what doctors call “emotion”. I don’t like it. I am going to do a couple of shots of whiskey and kill whatever it is I am feeling.

The KGB reading marked the halfway point of the MONSTERS OF MEMOIR Tour. I head out to Boston on Thursday for a reading at BU Barnes & Noble. I used to live in Boston (no, not for school but for actual work) so I’m looking forward to it. I think Boston gets a hard time for the most part. People really love to hate Boston, the way they love to hate Atlanta or Pittsburgh or Los Angeles. This is all really irritating. Like there are people who live in New York who really couldn’t live anywhere else because all other cities pale in comparison. There is no city like NY but there is also no city like Boston either. And then there are people who hate L.A. who haven’t even been there. Huh? I mean I hate donuts but at least I’ve had them before. I know exactly why I do not like donuts. L.A. is no donut. Neither is Boston. Actually Boston is a donut. Boston creme. You know what’s annoying? Spelling “cream” as “creme”. That’s just weird. You are not fooling anyone, Dunkin’ Donuts. This donut is not French or vaguely European. You can call it Boston cream and people will still eat it. Just not me.

I will be taking the GREYHOUND up to Boston. This is because my limo driver got food poisoning from our lobster and champagne dinner last night. No. I am a writer. I have like two dollars. I am taking the bus. Because that is the writerly thing to do, whatever is cheap and most painful.

For all you Bay Area Brawlaz–I will be interviewed on Upfront: Dispatches from the New Majorities on 91.7 KALW on your FM dial. The show will be on at 2:30 this Sunday. You can however listen to it LIVE on your computing device if you do not A) live in the Bay Area or B) own a radio. You may need to download a player of some kind, like RealAudio. I do believe they’ll have a podcast but it’s not up yet. I’ll hitch a link when it comes out. I’m about 3/4 way into the program, so grab a snack and pull up a chair.

I can tell you right now, I sound funny on the radio. It’s kind of weird to hear yourself. All I can think is, oh my GOD do I really sound like that? How do I even have friends with a voice like that? Seriously. It makes me rethink the whole talking thing.

And in other news: Come to KGB Bar on May 1 Tuesday at 7:20 to hear me read in person. KGB is located in the Village of the East in the fair City of New York, on Fourth Street between Avenue the Second and Avenue the Third. It’s on the second floor. There will be many kinds of adult beverages available. I’ll be reading with David Silverman and Darcey Steinke.

I plan on recording the show and putting it up on Annietown so if you plan on going, please bring friends and also LAUGH REALLY LOUDLY. Preferably in inappropriate moments.

Last night I read at Barnes and Noble in Santa Monica and it kicked some monster ass, which is fitting since I am on my MONSTERS OF MEMOIR SOLD OUT 2007 TOUR. Thanks to Guns n’ Roses and Usher for opening. I have to admit it harshed my nerves a bit to read in front of my family, and I tried to choose a piece that they weren’t in too much, which is actually impossible since the book is about them, so I read from “Period Piece” which is, uh, about my period and pretty embarrassing and while I was reading it I was thinking OH MY GOD WHY AM I READING THIS WHY NOT SOMETHING ELSE, MAYBE SOMETHING BETTER, MAYBE SOMETHING BY DAVE EGGERS PEOPLE REALLY LIKE HIM. Anyway, thanks to everyone who came out. Also note to self: Do not drink coffee right before you read. I could feel the caffeine in my blood. In fact my blood was asking for some half and half and two sugars.

I got some good news: I just saved money on my car insurance. No wait, there’s other news too. We did a second printing of 1,500 yesterday, bringing the grand total up to 15,700. Basically, my parents bought 1,500 of them last night. They were all 20% off so they were very pleased. Everyone likes a good sale, right? Come on, it’s 20% off. Now there’s no excuse for you not to buy it. So thanks to everyone who bought a book. And to those who didn’t: I hate you. No wait, I am just totes kidding as the kids say.