One of the steps I took to becoming a “real adult” a few years ago was getting renter’s insurance. I’m not sure why because I’m sitting here looking at my crap and it’s exactly what it is, crap. Total crap. I have crap from IKEA, crap from the Big K, crap from Target which is only slightly less crappy than the crap from Big K because Isaac Mizrahi and Michael Graves put their names on this particular crap so it’s like sanctioned, designer-approved crap, and I even have crap given to me from other people because they were getting rid of crap, and I needed crap. Like oh that is a cool poster! You like it? I think it’s crap. Take it. Oh sweet, dude. More crap for me. You might think, but wait you are a published author, shouldn’t you be living it up? I remember at some reading a girl asked me if I was “living the dream” and all I could think of was this crap apartment full of crap, but now that it’s insured, it’s somehow more valuable. Anyway the only thing of value I have here is my computer. And my love. Allstate doesn’t cover love. I asked them. They said, no we don’t do that, but if your neighbor’s pipe breaks and real crap leaks into your apartment, we’ll cover that.
Anyway, my insurance agent–a man I’ve never met because I signed up over the interwebs–retired and passed my account to a new one. Her name is Anna. Today I received a birthday greeting card from Anna (it’s not my birthday until later) that tells “interesting facts” about what happened the year you were born.
*$2 bill re-introduced as U.S. currency
My aunt and uncle always give me a $2 bill for our New Year’s dinner. They say it’s good luck. But I literally have like a dozen of these from all the New Year’s dinners we’ve done together and I can’t get myself to use it because, hey, it’s a $2 bill and it’s lucky. I don’t see how it’s lucky if it just sits there. It’s money that can’t be used as money, so it’s original purpose has been lost. So then it’ s just a piece of paper. So what I’m saying is that next year they should just write “Two dollars for you! Lucky you!” on a piece of paper and give it to me because it’ll be just as useful.
*Tom Brokaw became news anchor of the Today Show
Tom Brokaw kicks it. In a cage match between Brokaw and Jennings, Brokaw would gravitas the daylights out of Jennings. But in a contest to see who could abuse the future-in-the-past tense the hardest, Jennings would come out the victor. I really, really, really, really despise future-in-the-past tense. Lately it’s been the hot tense and it has to be stopped. It makes any sentence sound extra douchey: “But Alexei had no way of knowing that he would become the leading expert on ballistic missile physics.” See how many extra WORDS are in that sentence???? Plus it’s like you’re injecting 20/20 hindsight onto your characters. It’s so lame. Young George Washington lead the fledgling milita to victory. He would become the first president of the United States. DOUBLE GROAN.
*Bruce Jenner won the gold medal in the decathlon at the Summer Olympics
Awesome. I like Bruce Jenner, especially when he got all angry and turned green and kicked everyone’s ass. I remember when Bruce Jenner was on Silver Spoons. It was one of those “very special episodes” I think about epilepsy or something.
*Supreme Court ruled death penalty not inherently cruel or unusual.
That’s exactly the kind of fact I want to remember from the year I was born. Yes, the Supreme Court says, the death penalty is not that bad, I mean really. It’s kind of OK.
There’s also a list of “Movies and Music” and an interesting tidbit called “Americans Living Then and Now” which is all typed up in swirly, cursive font to make it look, you know, fancy and festive. Bread cost $0.45 then and $1.49 now. I am pretty sure that bread does NOT cost $1.49 now. My bread costs at least $3, and it’s not like I’m buying some fancy stuff not made from wheat. Anyway the list is confusing and it sounds more like “Americans living Then and Then”. It also sounds like my parents saying “when I was your age, bread cost a nickel!” And now I can say, well actually it cost like, two quarters.