OK Pony and I have the sweetest idea ever.

Picture it. Close your eyes if you have to.

A store. A new kind of store.

It sells flavor.

Like there will be walls and walls of flavor. I imagine little jars or small packets of flavor. There’s the regular nacho cheese, sour cream and onion, parmesan, cool ranch, and flamin’ hot. You know those crackers called “Chicken in a Biscuit”? They’d have that flavor too. There’d also be the sweet ones like cinnamon, maple +brown sugar, watermelon, strawberry-kiwi, etc.

But then you can do like other foods instead of single flavors, like pizza, hamburger, or, like, omelette. I mean people really like omelettes. So why not have stuff taste like omelette? I remember Cheese Nips had taco flavor. That was my favorite. Totally gross, but dude, TACOS except it’s a CHEESE NIP. Pony says that in Japan he had chips that tasted like XTREME corn. And they were corn chips. So they started with corn and then added more corn in post. This is why the Japanese will win. They can just endlessly improve beyond the point of recognition. You eat this Xtreme Corn Chip and you are like, I’m never eating real corn again, it’s just not corn-ful enough.

OK, so then this store would also have blank foods. Unflavored food which sounds funny, but hear me out. It’d be like blank potato chips, blank corn chips, blank nips (w/o the cheese, not as in like Asians ha ha ha I can say nip because I am Asian shut up), blank rice crackers, blank puffs that you find in Cheezy Puffs except without the cheeze. There’d be blank pieces of candy in all of its different forms, like taffy, gum, hard, etc. You can have like blank fruit roll-ups or blank gummies.

THEN OH MY GOD YOU COMBINE THEM.

THEN YOU BECOME A WINNER. A WINNER OF FLAVOR.

Pony and I, if we can get out of our contracts where we are apparently not allowed to work together on anything except for work, will call this flavor store UMAMI. Which is the “sixth” flavor, i.e. the one that is in MSG.

FLAVOR STORE.

It will BLOW PEOPLE’S MINDS. Like a real brick and mortar version of this.

It will be next door to the gym where there is an empty room and a crappy car and everyone gets bats.

My compadre Aaron B. believes his extremely stupid and pointless ‘hard gravy/brown gold’ invention is better than my extremely stupid and pointless sticky tape hazmat suit for pets and/or people. He believes he is the Greatest Inventor of All Time. Better than Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, and that Englishman who invented the Magic Bullet (make salsa in three seconds!). He believes he is better than me.

He is obviously high on little something that rhymes with ‘rack docaine’.

Guess what, Aaron B?

I AM CHALLENGING YOU TO A GRAND INVENTION DUAL IRON CHEF DEATHMATCH CHALLENGE INVENTION-OFF. There will be one winner. There will be one loser. That winner will be me. That means you will be the loser. THE LOSER. I HOPE YOU LIKE TO LOSE BECAUSE YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT IT.

I have taken off my glove and slapped you across the face. How does that feel, bitch? Does it sting? IT WILL STING WORSE WHEN YOU LOSE. My invention will kick your invention’s ass and stuff it in a locker. It will be an ass-whooping of such epic proportions that you will have to poop out of your mouth because you will be lacking in the ass department on account of the whopping I delivered to your ass only moments before.

The winner (i.e. me) will win one billion dollars and a chance to meet me and an autographed copy of my own book.

We need rules. Aaron B. (THE LOSER) and I leave it up to the readers for the rules and parameters (i.e. invention to do a specific task, invention to use a specific material, invention to make ANNIE A WINNER). Then Aaron B. (THE LOSER) and I will choose three judges based on their skills, background, and dashing good looks.

IT’S ON.

I think this will be fun especially because I WILL WIN.