I have to say that when I was little the Cookie Monster freaked me out, not because he was a monster, but because he made such a mess and all I could think was, oh no, who will clean it all up? This is what happens when you have my mom, by the way. You think you are like the dirtiest thing on the planet and then you grow up and you realize holy shit everyone is a Cookie Monster, I do not feel so bad, and also, what the fuck is wrong with you? Put the laundry IN the laundry bag, not next to it! OMG. Also, like, use a plate!!!!

My friend Anh just sent me this link. It made me laugh and then made me throw up, just a little, in my mouth.

Also, I have a headache. This may or may not be related to America’s birthday festivities last night. It may or may not be related to wine. It may or may not be related to the wine I had after the wine. Without further scientific study, I cannot be sure. I am reaching out to the science and medical communities to help me determine the cause of my headache, sleepiness, slight nausea, and the cashmere sweater that my tongue is currently wearing. I suppose I should reach out to the fashion industry too, for that last part. It’s really too hot for cashmere.

Speaking of the fashion industry, the new Phillip Lim 3.1 store in L.A. opened and it was designed by my good pal Dominic Leong over at Para. Check it out here. It’s as crazy as Dominic is. I want to go and squish all the acoustic foam. Like if you are stressed and live in Los Angeles, go over to the Phillip Lim store and squeeze the crap out of the walls. I think one of the rooms has walls covered with cow hair, so pet the crap out of that too. These cows may or may not be related to the meat hats above. Dominic worked his ass off so I’m proud of him. It’s his first built project. Kudos Dominic, now go and get me some sweet, sweet Phillip Lim threads. Also, I have your mail. If you give me sweet, sweet Phillip Lim threads I will give you your credit card bill which I know you want really badly. Also it looks like you might have already won 2 million dollars, that is exciting.

It’s the 4th of July, the day of our nation’s birth. Happy birthday, nation! To celebrate I shall go kegging and watch people cook flesh over fire. This is what George Washington always wanted. People in America, cooking flesh and being free while drinking beer. Freedom tastes good. It tastes like steak. I don’t remember what steak tastes like, but I do know what freedom tastes like.

Speaking of which, I just accidentally ate a piece of ham. There were “samples” at this coffeeshop and I was like sweet! Samples! Then I popped one in my mouth and it turns out it was a bit o’ croissant with a bit o’ ham. Ham is very salty. And chewy. But I felt too weird spitting it out so I just swallowed it and dealt with it. So there you go. It’s been probably 16 years since I’ve had ham. I can’t say if I liked it or not. It was too foreign for me to make a decision on it. I think I liked ham when I was little. But I wasn’t really a picky eater either. I think when you grow up in a Korean family, you really can’t be that picky. I mean there’s like barely pickled/raw squid and roe still in the egg sac/membrane, it’s like if you can eat that at eight, you eat whatever. And even if you were picky, your parents would bitch and moan so much that you eat it just to shut them up. Seriously.

Anyway happy Independence Day. Everyone go exercise their independence! Celebrate! Be free! Destroy the beer with your bellies!

I just took down penne with spinach and ricotta from Pepe Rosso.

I completely, utterly destroyed it. With my belly.

I leveled it beyond recognition. In fact, there is nothing to even recognize because there is nothing left. It is no longer in existence. It is inside my gut. Deep. You cannot see it, but trust me, it’s obliterated. I totaled it. If you wanted some, too bad, because I annihilated it. I wrecked, razed, and ruined it. So I’m sorry. You will have to get your own. They deliver. But only a few blocks. So if you live in Hawaii or London or one of those fancy towns in Portugal with the fancy letters, I am sorry. You will have to find something else to demolish with your tummy because mine is gone. It has entered the face hole, been masticated into tiny bits, and sent down the maw, straight to the breadbasket that is my stomach.

So, I’m sorry. It’s dead. I killed it.

The time now is almost 5:00. See above, at the subject line. It is almost 5:00.

I have not left my compartment yet. I am considering leaving the compartment. In fact, at some point I was going to leave the compartment but then managed to only get half dressed before getting distracted. You can guess which half is dressed. But really, I want to leave and see sunshine. I hear it’s out there, I wouldn’t know. But this is what happens when you work from home. You get sucked into the compartment hole and bust your ass until you look up at the clock and realize, holy shit. I have only eaten cereal all day and it is 5:00 and boy would I like some lunch right now but oh wait, let me just finish this thing and send it off and oh let me call this person and discuss this and then let me write this quick email.

Now it is almost 5:00. My refrigerator has nothing and I ate all my cereal. I am going to gnaw off my own arm. But first I must finish up this thing.

I have not gotten any vitamin D today. Everytime someone says vitamin D all I can think of is vitamin dick. Which is pretty funny. Vitamin A stands for…you guess it, asparagus.

Air conditioners are back in working order. Now I am freezing. If I had balls they’d be frozen off right now.

My “little friend” in the Tupperware was “dealt with.” Now every single time I go to the bathroom I peep my head in the bathtub just to make sure I have not made more friends. Investment in compressed air, hairspray and a lighter, or plain old Raid is being considered.

I want potato chips.

And Fig Newtons are still delicious.

I eat an egg and I think. Hmm, this is tasty, this egg business. I like it.

Then sometimes I think about where eggs come from and I get really grossed out. Like chickens do their business out of one hole, the cloaca. So do I really want to eat this thing? A lot of business was done there. Big business. Like an entire industry of sorts.

This is what I’m thinking about as I have just come home from getting a drink with Marco and Lizzie. Eggs. Did we talk about eggs? No. Did we eat eggs? No. I just thought about it. Because I’m kind of hungry I guess. I mean I could eat an egg but I don’t like where’ve they been. But tomorrow I may feel differently. Hard to say. I will keep you posted because I know it’s very important to you, this egg status. I should have a little indicator on the site somewhere. EGGS YAY! or EGGS: COVERED WITH INDUSTRY.

I just had some pineapple and my tongue is very itchy. I want to scratch that crap out of it. It would really suck to get gonorrhea of the mouth from a pineapple. Oh god, it kind of burns too. I am told it will go away. It has not gone away. I should cut my tongue out, just like in Oldboy and like Dead or Alive or whatever that movie was. Anyway if I cut my tongue out, people would cheer, they’d be like, finally, she shut the hell up! We are winners! But then people forget that I write for a living. I’ll never shut up. Joke is on YOU! Ha ha ha!

Tonight the office is having a “pool party” and at first I was like dude, it’s raining and freezing out. And then I read the fine print and it’s pool as in billiards. Which is a lot warmer. However, I suck HORRIBLY at pool. I mean say what you will about bowling and my Granny Tortoise Style, which I should actually trademark so others do not bite my sweet technique, but I cannot apply GTS to billiards. I’ve thought it through and it just seems totally impossible. Part of the problem is that since I am on the short side of human, my arms are also on the short side. I need arm extensions. Maybe I can get one with hooks because I’ve kind of always wanted that. HOOKS dude! Hooks! You guys remember Police Academy? She was the officer who was really soft spoken and then at the end she’d go FREEZE DIRTBAG! And then everyone would laugh oh that Hooks, what a card. I think she did it at the end of each of those stupid movies. I think there were probably like a hundred Police Academy movies. Anyway I loved the Police Academies when I was little, but let me tell you, I had horrible taste in movies when I was little. Good god they are so bad, I was an idiot when I was nine.

OK Pony and I have the sweetest idea ever.

Picture it. Close your eyes if you have to.

A store. A new kind of store.

It sells flavor.

Like there will be walls and walls of flavor. I imagine little jars or small packets of flavor. There’s the regular nacho cheese, sour cream and onion, parmesan, cool ranch, and flamin’ hot. You know those crackers called “Chicken in a Biscuit”? They’d have that flavor too. There’d also be the sweet ones like cinnamon, maple +brown sugar, watermelon, strawberry-kiwi, etc.

But then you can do like other foods instead of single flavors, like pizza, hamburger, or, like, omelette. I mean people really like omelettes. So why not have stuff taste like omelette? I remember Cheese Nips had taco flavor. That was my favorite. Totally gross, but dude, TACOS except it’s a CHEESE NIP. Pony says that in Japan he had chips that tasted like XTREME corn. And they were corn chips. So they started with corn and then added more corn in post. This is why the Japanese will win. They can just endlessly improve beyond the point of recognition. You eat this Xtreme Corn Chip and you are like, I’m never eating real corn again, it’s just not corn-ful enough.

OK, so then this store would also have blank foods. Unflavored food which sounds funny, but hear me out. It’d be like blank potato chips, blank corn chips, blank nips (w/o the cheese, not as in like Asians ha ha ha I can say nip because I am Asian shut up), blank rice crackers, blank puffs that you find in Cheezy Puffs except without the cheeze. There’d be blank pieces of candy in all of its different forms, like taffy, gum, hard, etc. You can have like blank fruit roll-ups or blank gummies.

THEN OH MY GOD YOU COMBINE THEM.

THEN YOU BECOME A WINNER. A WINNER OF FLAVOR.

Pony and I, if we can get out of our contracts where we are apparently not allowed to work together on anything except for work, will call this flavor store UMAMI. Which is the “sixth” flavor, i.e. the one that is in MSG.

FLAVOR STORE.

It will BLOW PEOPLE’S MINDS. Like a real brick and mortar version of this.

It will be next door to the gym where there is an empty room and a crappy car and everyone gets bats.

I just realized that the cafe up my street only has like four or five ingredients and then mixes them up in different ways to make their lunch menu. This is what Taco Bell does, but I never eat at Taco Bell unless I am on a road trip or if I am hungry and Taco Bell is nearby or if I’m walking by a Taco Bell on my way home or if I feel like eating Taco Bell which is like all the time. But other than that I do not eat there. The closest Taco Bell is right near the entrance to the Holland Tunnel and it is always filled with Jersey high school club kids who are going to SOB’s or the Culture Club which has 80s nights and they are dressed exactly like the hipsters in Williamsburg except they are doing it as a joke and the hipsters like wear that stuff ‘for real.’ Anyway it’s so awful in there I haven’t made a run for the border in a long, long time. Like since last week. OK what is your point, you stupid girl? I’m getting to it just shut up for a second and let me finish.

The point is, that the cafe up the street makes scones and muffins and then has sandwiches and salads. But they are all made with the same five ingredients. It’s incredible. Like oh we have a vegetable frittata today with onions, peppers, and artichokes. We also have an onion, pepper, and artichoke sandwich and we have a cream of artichoke soup today and our salad of the day is greek, with onions and pepper and feta. I just realize this is not very interesting, nor is it a new phenomenon to any restaurant or cafe, but I’ve been going to this place for like six years, it is like I am just waking up or something. It’s still delicious, better than Taco Bell, oh my god I can’t believe I just said that. Sorry Taco Bell I am cheating on you with someone who has even less ingredients than you.