Archive: food

The Moth in St. Paul

Are you in Minnesota?

Are you in St. Paul or Minneapolis or the environs?

Do you like to listen to stories?

Do you like cheese curds?

Do you love cheese curds?

If you answered yes to the questions above, then here is some important news that’s tangentially related to cheese curds:

I’ll be doing The Moth on November 7 in St. Paul. It’ll be at the Fitzgerald Theater, which I’m told seats 1000, which means WHAT I am PEEING ALL OVER MYSELF RIGHT NOW. From fear. Not from, you know, just needing to pee and being too lazy to walk to the bathroom or whatever.

I will be eating cheese curds. The first time I had them I was visiting my friend Rhena in Minneapolis and I thought, dude cheese curds are awesome, how was there a cheese product that I’d NEVER had before? It was a crazy discovery-slash-revelation.

True story: Cheese curds are hard to get in NYC.
You know what’s also hard to get in NYC? Ebola. Unless you’re eating someone’s vomit, which you aren’t, because you’re too busy eating pizza, then you will be ebola free.

So to sum it up: The Moth in St. Paul on Friday, Nov. 7. No to ebola, yes to cheese curds.

See you there!

Sad-inavian

It is with great sadness that I report SCandynavian, our mildly loved Scandinavian candy store has closed. I walked past it today and noticed that the lights were off and all the candy had been removed from the bins. There was no techno, no strawberry race cars that taste like plastic, no sour apple frogs that do not taste like frogs. There was no sign saying that they had moved locations. So I bid them adjö and uh, however you say “good luck” in Swedish. I think it’s buena suerte. Yeah pretty sure it’s that.

But fret not NYC friends, if you want Scandinavian candy, might I suggest heading to Sockerbit (located in the Village of the West), which is another Swedish candy store. Yeah I know, right? Why there was more than one Scandinavian candy store in NYC, I don’t even know. Of course, you can go to IKEA and get candy there.

Speaking of IKEA, I totally went there yesterday and bought $100 of crap that I obviously needed so badly, like the hand towel with the ping pong paddles on them. I mean how am I not gonna buy that? I don’t even like ping pong, but I definitely needed it or else the the hand towel with the wacky puffer fish on it would feel so lonely. Hand towels always travel in pairs because if you’re lucky, you have two hands, so obviously you need two hand towels. I also totally needed the bath mat that is too big for my bathroom floor. And needed the salt grinder because salt’s not gonna grind itself, you guys.

Breaking News: You Love MSG

I have a piece posted in Open City, the Asian American Writers’ Workshop online magazine dedicated to all things culturey and New Yorky. It’s an open letter–Surprise!–to MSG, which is your favorite flavor-enhancing food additive. It’s my favorite flavor-enhancer too! Look how much we have in common! This is why we’re friends.

MSG5

If you want to know what my favorite MSG-laced snacks are (because obviously you do), I’ve listed them, just like Buzzfeed, except not like Buzzfeed because there are no images of “cats who just can’t right now” or quizzes about who your 90s celebrity soulmate is based on what cheesecake you like best. I hate cheesecake, which is strange because I love cheese.

So these are the greatest ways to get flavor into your bellyspace:

1. Doritos. Because Doritos.
2. Chex Mix. Which has 60% less fat than potato chips, but 120% more flavor.
3. Tomato Pretz. Does not taste like tomato. (And Salad Pretz also does not taste like salad.)
SONY DSC
4. Nori Maki Arare. Leaves a horrible aftertaste, which is why you have to keep eating them forever.
413DFETWRRL
5. Vegetable dumplings/wontons/gyoza/mandu/flavorbags/Asian hot pockets. The frozen ones are loaded with gourmet powder. The ones I buy are “green vegetable” flavor.

And here is a picture of a cat who just can’t right now.

photo

She’s on my backpack.

SCandynavian Part II: Electric Bugaloo/Havana Nights

Today I returned to the Scandinavian candy store, and bought $10 worth of candy, which is kind of a lot of money, but we all know things are more expensive in Scandinavia. As the saying goes, you’ve got to pay to play. And I totally paid $10 for bulk candy. I probably bought, like, $5 worth of the sour cherry dicks alone. You should know that the dicks are a bit stale today. But I guess when the dicks are coming all the way from Sweden, they’re gonna get a little hard. OMG these dick jokes–I’d apologize, but I don’t want you to think I’m gonna stop making them. What I’m trying to say is that I’m eating these stale dicks because I just spent $10 on candy. I’m going to eat the shit out of it and call it lunch.

I got a few new pieces of candy this time and I shall review them. I’m assuming you all want to know the same thing: Are any of these better than the dicks? Probably not, but as my mother used to say, “You got to try.” She would say this when I was learning to read and couldn’t figure out how to read a word. I’d get frustrated and she’d be like, “You got to try” which is TOTALLY FUCKING UNHELPFUL. She wouldn’t help me read it either. She’d just say “You got to try.” Like dude, I’m TRYING but I literally cannot READ this bullshit word with all these stupid vowels that combine to form some DIFFERENT sound. It wasn’t until much, much later that I realized she said that because she couldn’t read the word either. English is so goddamn hard. It’s the worst. Korean is basically what you see is what you get. So is Spanish. But then English is like nooooooooooo gh makes a fff sound as in ffffuck. Anyway, candy. Let’s talk.

OK here’s a question. Is this a gummy ghost? Like from Pac-man?

squid

The answer is NO. It is not. It is a gummy SQUID. How adorably Swedish! Squid! In Asia, if you call something squid, it is actually squid. It was my favorite snack for a long, long time. I’d pull off a tentacle, dip it in some kochu-jang and park my ass in front of some cartoons until my mother turned it off and told me to do my homework, which I had already done, but she wanted me to go forward in the textbook to get ahead. Anyway, I said Ooooohhh gummy ghosts, yay, and the blonde six-foot blonde yeti of a shopkeeper said they are squid. So they are squid. They are covered in some sour dust, which the Scandinavians call “salted.”

Right, right. Salted. NOT sour. So in Sweden, if you say “salted candy” it means “sour.” So I said that was confusing because salt tastes salty and sour tastes sour, which is why we have two words for them. The dude did not care for my argument and just said they taste good.

You know how when you eat Lucky Charms, you spend a lot of time fishing out the marshmallows and eating them because they are the best? And maybe you fish them out before you pour in the milk because it’s easier to find the marshmallows that way? And then after you actually pour the milk to eat the cereal, you get sad because you had eaten all the marshmallows? And remember how you’d confuse marshmallows with mushrooms? Yeah that. So these taste like sour cereal marshmallows. They are sorta fluffy and spongy and chewy at the same time.

Grade: B, aka “Not an A, but pretty good”

hardcandies

These are hard candies. They are covered in some sugary substance and the shopkeeper promised that there was sour powder on the INSIDE. I was like YEAH this is what I want BRING IT ON and loaded up on these. Important to note that they are solid and therefore heavy and contribute greatly to the $10 I spent at this store.

SPOILER ALERT: THIS IS A TOTAL RIPOFF.

There is NO sour powder on the inside. It’s just a hard candy. Tastes like a Life Saver. Taste like what an old lady would have at the bottom of her purse and upon offering it to “youngsters,” they’d be like uh no thanks. Imma gonna go eat anything else than this.

Grade D: The D stands for Disappointment

frog

This is a gummy apple frog. Doesn’t really look like a frog, and it doesn’t taste like apple either. So I guess it gets 0 out of 2 right. The texture is softer than a gummy bear, though not as soft as Chuckles or Sunkist Fruit Gems. Taste wise, it tastes like nothing. There’s a certain ‘fake apple’ taste that we are accustomed to, the way apple candies all taste the same way even though it tastes nothing like an apple. Call it the apple gestalt, not to get all fancy about it. This bullshit candy does not have that apple gestalt. It tastes like a gummy bear that’s been in your pocket, something you saved for later because it’s tasty. Now imagine you saved it for later and you’re like ew this is gross. Why did I save this? My pockets are ruined! That’s the gummy apple frog.

Grade D-: I’d give it a lower grade, but there’s something that’s worse. Keep reading.

caramel

This is a caramel “twist.” It is the texture of a Twizzler, but with a caramel flavor. It is also a bit on the buttery side. It is akin to that buttery flavor a Werther’s Original, except it’s chewy like licorice. But the texture sort of falls apart in your mouth. I don’t like it. It tastes like plastic, which is why I hate Twizzlers. I want candy to taste like candy and not like a bracelet. I hate this. I hate that this is in my mouth right now. (Dick joke!)

Grade F: Need to spit this out

licorice

This is half black licorice and half red licorice, covered in mildly sour “salt”, as the Scandinavians would say. Here’s the thing: I love black licorice. I love it more than red licorice. I do understand most people hate the black stuff. So this is the Two-Face of licorice. Good and Bad. Bad and Good. And guess what? It’s delightful! The black licorice is definitely the stronger dominant flavor. So if you hate the black stuff, then move on. Texture wise it’s about the same as a Sour Patch Kid that’s been opened for a day. So not too soft but not too hard. It is nice and chewy and sticks between your molars, like all good candies. Delicious. I wish I had gotten more.

Grade A: If you like black licorice. If you don’t then stick to the dicks.

I realized that I am taking photos of food and putting them on the Internet, something I always make fun of people for doing. I realize I’m being a giant hypocrite. BUT in my defense, I’m not at a restaurant. I’m just in my kitchen eating an unruly amount of candy. But I’d like to show you this, taken from the Findings section of Harper’s Magazine.

harpers

SCandynavian

A new candy shoppe just opened up on my corner. (True story, when my mom first saw the word “shoppe” she pronounced it “shoppy” and my brother said, “It’s just pronounced shop, GOD MOM! UNGH!” He was ten.) Anyway this shoppe specializes in Scandinavian candy and it’s called…SCandynavian. Now I love a good pun, but holy shit that is just stinking up the joint. Anyway, I love CANDY just like everyone else who is not a raging butthole, so I went in. I just assumed that a Scandinavian candy shoppe would have, like, buckets and buckets of Swedish fish and also salted black licorice, which is totally disgusting. The taste is what Americans would call “acquired,” which is a pass agg way of saying “doody.” It tastes just like the torn off fingers of babies dipped in gasoline. However, I do think it’s something everyone should try once, in their lifetime, just so I can see the look on your faces and also to see if ONE of you out there who is NOT Scandinavian actually likes it. I am convinced that NO ONE likes this shit except for people who grew up on fish cured in lye. Fucking lye! Remember how we used to unclog our sinks with lye? And then some Norwegian was all, sweet I’m totally gonna put this on my goddamn fish to make it tasty? And then the dude’s mom came home and was all, MAGNUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LYE, I NEED THAT TO UNCLOG THE TURLET and he’s like but mom, taste this, it is the jam, and she’s all, yo this tastes awesome, I dig the gelatinous texture and the gentle aroma of sodium hydroxide, it tastes just like that dish with the baby fingers and the petrol, you know the one. Anyway yes, definitely try it once. Try it twice if you’re brave, or three times if you’re stupid. That’s a saying, right?

So this shoppe had NO salted licorice. I actually asked for it because I wanted to torture everyone I know. And the 6 foot 4 hyper blonde Swedish shoppekeeper said, Oh we don’t have any in yet, it’s seasonal. And I said, what, candy knows no season, but he didn’t quite understand me. Not because of a language barrier, but because the techno was so loud. Seriously he was grooving out to this Eurotrash house trance whatever (sounds like this: mm ch mm ch mm ch mm ch bam bam bam mm ch mm). His hair was slicked back and everything. He was also wearing an open shirt in order to show off his chest tattoo, which was script and hard to read, but let’s just pretend it said “Thüg Life.” Anyway, the point is this. I bought some Scandinavian candy and I’m going to review it for you:

sourwrench

OK, you and I both know these look like penises. In fact, I saw this tub of dicks there and I was like oh yeah I need to get these because tee hee penis! And the shoppe dude was like “Oh those are sour raspberry wrenches.” Really? How is that even a wrench? Unless “wrench” is Swedish for penis? Then he says “they are very popular in Sweden” and I thought oh what you are trying to say is that penises are popular in Sweden. Well here’s some news buddy, penises are popular everywhere. Like 50% of everywhere is made of penis. Anyway it’s slightly more sour than a Sour Patch Kid and it has a tart berry flavor that doesn’t taste too synthetic like Robitussin. I love it. If all Scandinavian candy tastes like this then we will all have to move there, but we can ONLY eat the candy and not anything else. Definitely not that toilet fish.

I have a belly full of dicks right now.

Grade: A+

photo (2)

These are red licorice tubes that are all cutesied up with nowhere to go because they’re not that good. The flavor is nondescript. Is it strawberry? Cherry? Watermelon? I have no idea. It tastes like red. It’s softer than licorice and not nearly as chewy. My friend Laura says the design looks like the Yelp logo, and she’s right. But other than that, it has no distinct personality. It is a thing you put in your mouth and then forget it’s in there. I realize that after talking about penises above, everything is now going to sound like a penis innuendo. Balls.

Grade: B-

photo (1)

These are strawberry Ferraris. According to the shoppe keeper, they are the most popular candies in Sweden. They are quite large and I can’t shove the whole thing in my mouth (again with the penis thing). I thought they’d taste like Swedish fish, but actually no. They’re much tougher and less al dente. It tastes like that Swedish fish you found between the couch cushions. You ate it because you thought no one was looking. But I was looking.

Grade: C

I just realized that everything I got was red flavored. No worries, I will try other colors. There’s a chocolate section too. Scandinavians are probably known even less for their chocolate than their puns, but hey I will put that in my mouth (OMG penis). There’s also a set of bins that was slightly hard to reach because this shoppe was designed for tall Swedish people and not short Koreans wearing sensible footwear.

If you are in New York and feel like eating dicks, come to SCandynavian on Thompson just below Spring.

LA Weekly Calls Me The Asian American Tina Fey So Now I Can Finally Die

LA Weekly ran a fantastic review of Shut Up, You’re Welcome!

“Don’t the networks have room for an Asian-American Tina Fey?”

HOLY WHAT THE WHAT?! I guess I can go die now because no one will ever say anything nicer to me than that. Folks, that was it. Game over. Now I will go eat this entire bag of Extreme Doritos and stop exercising because fuck it, there’s nothing left to live for.

This is how I feel right now.

pigicecream

Yes, that is a mini-pig eating a mini-ice cream. It is the only time a mini-ice cream is acceptable. (Thanks to Laura for texting me that.)

Also, blogging is apparently not a thing I do much. Instead, I’ve been posting photos and snarky shit over on the Annietown Facebook and Twitter. If you “like” my stupid shit then you will be able to enjoy pictures of llamas and a sign that says “Clothing Optional.”

True story: A chiropractor asked me how I chose “Annietown” and I said it’s because “Annie Choi” was taken. The moral of the story is that sometimes true stories are fucking boring.

I Hate Frosting

Frosting ruins everything. Like here’s this nice piece of cake and then someone slathers all this crap on it and then fashions it into little roses and hearts and stars and princesses or whatever the fuck and then I have to scrape it all off and dump it into the trash or find a six year old to eat it for me. All this means I have to spend five minutes defrosting my goddamn cake instead of eating it. This is why I don’t like cake. I see cake and all I see is work. No one should work for dessert. The whole point of dessert is that it arrives to you, ready to be enjoyed, because you deserve it. You worked hard this week! You sent some emails and went the gym once! You ate a salad! You earned some motherfucking dessert! But then you get cake and suddenly it’s like someone took a shit on your dessert. Sorry to be graphic, wait no, I’m not sorry. I hate you, frosting. Go away.

The point is that I wrote an Amazon review and it smells like vanilla.

Do you love tacos? (That’s not code for anything.)

I put up yet another Amazon review. This time of a taco. Specifically, THIS taco.

OK FINE, it’s not a real taco, but you were TOTALLY fooled right? Right? No? Not just a little bit? My friend Larry gave it to me. There’s no need to be jealous. Mostly because it doesn’t come with a real taco. Unless you put one in there.

I know you want it. It’s only $8.88. I realize for $8.88 you can buy a REAL taco. Several real tacos, in fact. If you went to Taco Zone, the king shit of taco truck mountain, then you could get SEVEN tacos. OR you could get six tacos and a horchata. Get the horchata. Sometimes I force a friend (usually Micah) to get the horchata so I can drink, like, half of it. Then Micah eventually cuts me off, not because I’m drinking all his horch, but because if I drank one on my own, my stomach would explode from the dairy. You probably didn’t need to know that, but there you have it. I ‘overshared’. It’s what I do best. Fucking horchata. Why must I love the things that hurt me so?

But seriously though. An $8.88 taco pouch. You probably don’t need it but wish you did.

Four Stars out of Five

I cannot promise you that this will be my last update about toast. It is hard to shut up about something you love, sovaldi sometimes I want to shout my love for toast from the rooftops, pharm until my neighbors call the police. But here is my recent Amazon review of my new toaster.

WARNING: THE TOASTER IS SMALL AND DOES NOT CAUSE FIRES (YET).

Tongue Ho

I’m pretty sure you guys didn’t get this on your desk this morning.

I know what you are thinking. What are on the tongue tattoos? Probably dicks. Probably.