A new candy shoppe just opened up on my corner. (True story, when my mom first saw the word “shoppe” she pronounced it “shoppy” and my brother said, “It’s just pronounced shop, GOD MOM! UNGH!” He was ten.) Anyway this shoppe specializes in Scandinavian candy and it’s called…SCandynavian. Now I love a good pun, but holy shit that is just stinking up the joint. Anyway, I love CANDY just like everyone else who is not a raging butthole, so I went in. I just assumed that a Scandinavian candy shoppe would have, like, buckets and buckets of Swedish fish and also salted black licorice, which is totally disgusting. The taste is what Americans would call “acquired,” which is a pass agg way of saying “doody.” It tastes just like the torn off fingers of babies dipped in gasoline. However, I do think it’s something everyone should try once, in their lifetime, just so I can see the look on your faces and also to see if ONE of you out there who is NOT Scandinavian actually likes it. I am convinced that NO ONE likes this shit except for people who grew up on fish cured in lye. Fucking lye! Remember how we used to unclog our sinks with lye? And then some Norwegian was all, sweet I’m totally gonna put this on my goddamn fish to make it tasty? And then the dude’s mom came home and was all, MAGNUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LYE, I NEED THAT TO UNCLOG THE TURLET and he’s like but mom, taste this, it is the jam, and she’s all, yo this tastes awesome, I dig the gelatinous texture and the gentle aroma of sodium hydroxide, it tastes just like that dish with the baby fingers and the petrol, you know the one. Anyway yes, definitely try it once. Try it twice if you’re brave, or three times if you’re stupid. That’s a saying, right?
So this shoppe had NO salted licorice. I actually asked for it because I wanted to torture everyone I know. And the 6 foot 4 hyper blonde Swedish shoppekeeper said, Oh we don’t have any in yet, it’s seasonal. And I said, what, candy knows no season, but he didn’t quite understand me. Not because of a language barrier, but because the techno was so loud. Seriously he was grooving out to this Eurotrash house trance whatever (sounds like this: mm ch mm ch mm ch mm ch bam bam bam mm ch mm). His hair was slicked back and everything. He was also wearing an open shirt in order to show off his chest tattoo, which was script and hard to read, but let’s just pretend it said “Thüg Life.” Anyway, the point is this. I bought some Scandinavian candy and I’m going to review it for you:
OK, you and I both know these look like penises. In fact, I saw this tub of dicks there and I was like oh yeah I need to get these because tee hee penis! And the shoppe dude was like “Oh those are sour raspberry wrenches.” Really? How is that even a wrench? Unless “wrench” is Swedish for penis? Then he says “they are very popular in Sweden” and I thought oh what you are trying to say is that penises are popular in Sweden. Well here’s some news buddy, penises are popular everywhere. Like 50% of everywhere is made of penis. Anyway it’s slightly more sour than a Sour Patch Kid and it has a tart berry flavor that doesn’t taste too synthetic like Robitussin. I love it. If all Scandinavian candy tastes like this then we will all have to move there, but we can ONLY eat the candy and not anything else. Definitely not that toilet fish.
I have a belly full of dicks right now.
These are red licorice tubes that are all cutesied up with nowhere to go because they’re not that good. The flavor is nondescript. Is it strawberry? Cherry? Watermelon? I have no idea. It tastes like red. It’s softer than licorice and not nearly as chewy. My friend Laura says the design looks like the Yelp logo, and she’s right. But other than that, it has no distinct personality. It is a thing you put in your mouth and then forget it’s in there. I realize that after talking about penises above, everything is now going to sound like a penis innuendo. Balls.
These are strawberry Ferraris. According to the shoppe keeper, they are the most popular candies in Sweden. They are quite large and I can’t shove the whole thing in my mouth (again with the penis thing). I thought they’d taste like Swedish fish, but actually no. They’re much tougher and less al dente. It tastes like that Swedish fish you found between the couch cushions. You ate it because you thought no one was looking. But I was looking.
I just realized that everything I got was red flavored. No worries, I will try other colors. There’s a chocolate section too. Scandinavians are probably known even less for their chocolate than their puns, but hey I will put that in my mouth (OMG penis). There’s also a set of bins that was slightly hard to reach because this shoppe was designed for tall Swedish people and not short Koreans wearing sensible footwear.
If you are in New York and feel like eating dicks, come to SCandynavian on Thompson just below Spring.