Annietown

Putting the Ho in Hollister

This afternoon my co-worker and I were walking across the street to get lunch. On most days, I’d say eating is a real pain in the ass. Sometimes I wish I had just eaten so I could stop thinking about eating and move on with my goddamn life. You realize we have to eat EVERY DAY, like every four hours? That’s insane. It’s really taxing. You know, I’m kind of busy and I occasionally have shit to do, so eating gets in the way of me sometimes doing things. I realize there are people who don’t get to eat every day, so I should feel grateful, but you know what? I’m an asshole. Eating takes up time and energy and especially in New York, it takes up money. Dude, not even kidding you, I just spent $11 on a sandwich and a salad and no, I did not get a mouth boner from it.

Fact: the second worst question you can ever ask me is, “Where do you want to eat?” (The first is “Can I sleep with your mother?” Obvz.)

So anyway, my co-worker and I are crossing the street. It is raining. And this guy walks up to us and says, “hey” and we are like, “uh, hey.” It is true that people in New York do not like strangers saying “hey.” If we liked that then we would be living in Minneapolis where apparently everyone says “hey” and probably hug and invite each other over for dinner at their nana’s house to watch the Packers play the Knicks or whatever. I don’t follow hockey. Anyway the guy says, “I’m a recruiter for Hollister, would you be interested in being models?”

Now there are a few scenarios here:

1. We say yes. They take photos of us wearing something with seagulls on it and flip flops. Two things, by the way, I do not approve of. We get really famous and quit our jobs to be models for Hollister making whatever it is models make. No idea, but they save a lot of money since they don’t eat (which would solve one of my problems, see above).

2. We say yes. They take photos of us. But it turns out we’re the “before” photos. The “after” photos are two hot models probably from the Ukraine or Belarus with a combined weight equivalent of one, single zucchini. The “before” photos make it to some snarky site where we are berated for being totally average. They make fun of my hair, which I forgot to brush this morning. The good news is that we are not wearing flip flops.

3. We say no.

Guess which one we chose?

But really, I have no idea what this recruiter was up to, because if you saw us, you would not think Hollister. You would think we were more appropriate models for a store that makes clothes for tired, possibly hungover employees. Not sure what the clothes would look like, but they’d definitely be pre-worn.

Posted January 17th, 2012 in NYC