I am now at the JFK airport where I am waiting for my flight to Hong Kong and listening to an extended Muzak version of “Whatever Lola Wants”. The original song is already “easy listening” but I have to say, this version has to be the easiest thing I’ve ever listened to. It is like the audio interpretation of 1 + 1 = 2. If this song was a quiz question, it’d be “What is your last name? _______” I suppose someone could find that question not so easy. For example, Prince. He might be like, ladies and gentlemen love has no last name. Madonna might take issue with the question too. But, I take issue with Madonna, so there’s that. Oh and Cher! What about Mr. T? Point is, this song sucks it and Mr. T is a bad ass. His underwear is made out of Chuck Norris.
I am here way too early. This marks a very important milestone for me and I demand some form of acknowledgement. Even a slow, sarcastic clap will do. Normally I am running through the airport and cursing everyone in front of me who hasn’t learned that dude, you can’t bring that 40 oz of Gatorade, oh look you are trying to chug it like a pro, and yes, take off your shoes, oh hi there lady on the cell phone with the perfume. you are wearing boots with a thousand lace holes, maybe you should’ve worn your Ughs. Sometimes I want to die because I’m behind the family with a toddler and infant twins on the lap of
an old lady in a wheelchair, yeah I know that makes me an insensitive prick to children and the elderly but you know when I’m late I’m a total insensitive prick and do not act like you have never been in that situation before.
But now I’m luxuriating at Gate 6 with like an hour and a half till boarding. I’m dying of boredom even before I get on my SIXTEEN HOUR FLIGHT. Why is Asia so far? Let’s move it to California. it belongs there.
So yes, I’m super stoked about going to HK and Ho Chi Minh City!!!!! It’s on like Kong, yo.