Thanks for the happy birthday wishes! It was a swell birthday, but it was also a birthday that was EERILY SIMILAR to another birthday I had not too long ago.

Let us flashback to…say…CHAPTER ONE of my book Happy Birthday or Whatever. The title of said book draws from the chapter in which my PARENTS FORGET MY BIRTHDAY.

Now let us flashforward to present day, August 25, 2010, also known as my birthday (and the birthdays of Regis Philbin, Elvis Costello, Ivan the Terrible, and, in addition, my friend Natalie. I should note that I’ve only had dinner with one of those four people. Hint: It’s not Ivan the Terrible). It was a good birthday. I ate a very civilized dinner with a few of my closest friends, including Chris who was carrying a murse. We made fun of him and agreed that in order to offset the mursiness he had to carry bacon, ammo, power tools, various knives, and a bottle of Old Spice. Anyway point is, it was a very pleasant evening, murse and all. I did not want a rage-a-thon this year. Figured I’d wait for the weekend like a responsible grown-up, which I now am. Not really.

But wait…something is missing…hmmm…something is misssiinnnggg.

Oh right. My parents TOTALLY FORGOT AGAIN. Again!!!

You’d think that when your kid writes a BOOK about forgetting her birthday, you’d start, you know, remembering.

So the next day August 26, is my parents’ anniversary. So I call my mom and I’m like heeeyy girl, what’s up? And I say happy anniversary! And she goes, oh is that today? Really? What’s the date? I say it’s August 26th. She goes whoaaa, where did the time go, are you sure its our anniversary? And I say yes, I am sure because I have a thing called a calendar, it is a device from the future in which you can annotate important dates. This “calendar” is also available in digital forms, such as on a computer or on a cellular telephone. And then I wait for it. You know, the REALIZATION that she has made A HORRIBLE MISTAKE. And she goes, oh well, I’ll call you daddy later, what are you doing for your birthday tomorrow?

*forehead slap*

I say DUDE my birthday was YESTERDAY, and she goes, NO, and I say YES and she says NO, and that keeps going for awhile and then she says sorry and says “Oh my gosh, I’m such a zero.” Which actually made me laugh because I have never heard her say that before, I have no idea where she picked that up. Sometimes she says “I’m going to give you knuckle sandwich” which is pretty hilarious and my father calls rolling through a stop sign a “California Stop” instead of a “California roll” even after I explained that it’s a play on words with the type of sushi, but he thinks that is nonsense. I think that cream cheese in sushi is gross. Cheese and seaweed is weird, you guys. Seriously. Who was the dude who said “Oh shit I just had a great idea. What if we take some raw fish, add some cream cheese, add some rice and wrap it with seaweed? Awesome, right?” The man was obviously from California.

Anyway my mother says sorry, I go it’s fine, but really, what is wrong with you? Then she says, oh it’s really hot in Los Angeles! I’m not sure if she was trying to change the subject or if perhaps the 103 degree heat has actually made her “go full retard.”

So then I think, do I call my father, wish HIM a happy anniversary? And I think no no no, in just a few minutes, he will call me. Because my mother will call him and tell him that they forgot something important and in addition, did you know it was our anniversary today? No, me neither! OMG!

Anyway he ended up calling and apologizing.

Oh, I should also mention that my brother had REMINDED/WARNED them it was my birthday. Like, seriously people. He said he tried, but failed. Anyway the whole thing is hilarious and sad, but probably more hilarious. More sad the first time, more hilarious the second time.

I learned an important lesson today: Always order more desserts, even if people say no no no I’m full I don’t really need to eat dessert. Because they are lying. Everyone needs to eat dessert.

Today is my birthday. This means you can’t yell at me for not blogging in a long, long time. I’m specifically blogging today because I know you guys have to be nice to me and not bitch me out for being a bad blogger because it is the anniversary of what is most likely the third most important day in my parents’ lives. Maybe even fourth. Shit, maybe I’m not even in the top five! That is sad, though not surprising I suppose. There’s their meeting/getting married, moving to the States, having my brother, and having me. The question is whether or not my mother kicking cancer is more or less important than me and my brother’s births. Hmm, anyway, the point is, it is a somewhat important day. For me, I’d say it’s an adequately important day. Therefore, you must be nice. Let’s keep things civil, people.

I just returned from my yearly visit to Canada. It was very Canadian, thanks for asking. This is what I saw:

It was a regular, non-double rainbow all the way. You can’t see them, but that rainbow is entirely composed of mosquitoes that were all chasing me. I managed to get a mosquito bite on my face, which feels awesome, and one dangerously close to my ass. They attack me when I’m going to the bathroom and my defenses are literally down. Bastards. Bastards!!!!

I should mention that while I was there, I did see another Korean girl. She was working at the grocery store. I am sure that she went home and told her parents that she, too, saw a Korean girl. Funny how that works.

So what have I missed?

My very, very good friends Karina and John had their baby today. Maxwell was born this morning, and was THREE WEEKS early. But he’s healthy and a wallop of a boy/man at 7 lbs and 21 inches. If he actually came on time, he’d be like bigger than me, which actually isn’t saying much. Congrats to them and their families and congrats to me because now I have a new toy. I cannot wait to teach him stuff. It’s gonna be awesome! First I will teach him how to make a good martini and how to make a pipe out of an apple. These are important skills. Then, we will go break shit together.