Memorializing
Today is Memorial Day. I have been memorializing all weekend, let me tell you. Yesterday, friends and I went to the park, and I memorialized JoMo’s trip to Modell’s to purchase a badminton set, and memorialized JoMo’s seemingly simple and yet overly complicated set-up of the badminton net, and then memorialized Marco and JoMo’s game of badminton and then memorialized Lizzard and Stephanie’s badminton game. It was a lot of work, all that memorializing. I was so busy memorializing on the picnic blanket that I didn’t have time to play badminton, with all that bread and cheese and strawberries I had to eat. Really tough work, you guys. So tough. I should get a medal for all the work I did. You guys should be memorializing me because honestly, I really ate the shit out of those strawberries. I should get credit for that. A medal even. A certificate of participation. Anything.
Anyway today is about memorializing my shitty apartment and cleaning the shit out of it. So, I cleaned the windows. The last time I did this, we had a different president. Anyway, I realized a few things.
1. Windows get really dirty. I know this comes to a surprise to many of you. Hah.
2. When you clean windows everything in your home looks a lot brighter.
3. When you clean windows and these windows happen to be in a shitty apartment, it makes your shitty apartment look even shittier.
So my conclusion is this: if you live in a shitty apartment, don’t clean your windows.
Finally, I’m memorializing the horrible event that unfolded on Friday. I was making simple syrup-that’s when you take equal parts sugar and water and then simmer it. Well, I set the pot on the stove, turned on the burner, AND THEN LEFT THE HOUSE.
FOR ALMOST TWO HOURS.
The pot did NOT catch on fire and my shitty apartment was not burned to a crisp. However, my apartment still smells like burnt sugar. Now you might think: but burnt sugar smells nice, like a candy shoppe! The kind of candy shop that spells it “shoppe,” you know, to be cuter. After all, isn’t caramel just burned sugar?
NO. It does not smell like this. Maybe after five minutes it smells like a candy shoppe. But after ALMOST TWO HOURS it smells more like burning hair. Fact. If you do not believe me, come over and take a whiff and you will be like “dude, are you baking a hair pie?” and I will laugh because “hair pie” is really funny wink wink but then I will tell you NO it is BURNT SUGAR and also ask WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE? And you will say BECAUSE YOU INVITED ME YOU PSYCHO BITCH and I will be like shit you are right, I hate it when you are right.
On the dim side, the residuum of smoke and splatter may lend a much needed patina to your carelessly shiny windows. Shitty apartment, say goodbye to the tattletaled sun.
If I haven’t said it before I’m say’n it now, Annie is the best at memorializing shit.
I loved the book a few years back – passed it on to my brother – as we are Korean-Americans. Sad that you trivialized Memorial Day – a lot of good men and women died for our freedoms. One day a year to pay honor and respect does not seem like too much to give. At least a sentence.
VK: Even when my apartment is cleaner, it still seems dirty. So sad.
Jon: Aw thanks!
Janet: I certainly do not mean to trivialize the people who serve our country. That was most certainly not my intention.
…ehmm, why did you left the apartment for almost 2 hours having turned the burner on? Did you forget or something? O_O .. that’s dangerous too! Well, you have the smell to not want to forget again.. lol