I’m glad we’re friends.

I find you very friendly. Like, I would totally have a beer or a coffee or split an entire bag of Doritos with each and every one of you. I mean that. I don’t share Doritos with anyone. Sometimes people are like Oh I love Doritos, are those yours? And I’m like no…no why do you ask? Don’t you have…somewhere to be?

What I mean to say is we are all good friends. And like good friends, you guys e-mail or text or call or tweet me and each other. That’s great. This is all great. I appreciate these little golden nuggets of communication. Tarugitos de communicación del oro, if you will. I actually have no idea if that’s right. Doesn’t matter, really. Anyway, sometimes people e-mail or text or call or tweet and, like, do it wrong. Wait, Annie, you ask, is there a wrong way to do those things???

Yes. Dudes. Yes, there is.

Let us begin with some hypothetical examples that may or may not have happened in real life because they are hypothetical:

“Do you guys remember this IKEA commercial? It is AWESOME.”

Do you
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT WHILE I AM NOT IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER AND THEREFORE NOT CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET

The answer is A and B. Tweeting links is what Twitter is genetically engineered for. You do not text this. Text is not designed for this. Texting a link is kind of like teaching a parrot to sing “Happy Birthday to You.” Yes you can do it, BUT WHY and in addition IT’S A LOT OF WORK and more importantly, IT’S ANNOYING. E-mailing is fine and reasonable. I’m cool hand Luke with that. But if it’s a link I’d love to see, then it’s probably a link everyone wants to see, erego, Twitter.

“Oh my God, I just got laid off from my job, I don’t have any money, unemployment won’t kick in for another three weeks, my rent is due what do I do? OMG OMG GAH BLARGH”

Do you:
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT WHILE I AM LOUNGING AND WATCHING RERUNS OF “GREATEST AMERICAN HERO” ON HULU AND REALIZING WHAT A TERRIBLE SHOW IT ACTUALLY IS AND COMMISERATING ON MY CHILDHOOD WHERE I HAD BAD TASTE AND WONDERING HRMM WILL I LOOK BACK ON THE CRAP I WATCH ON TV NOW AND THINK THE SAME THING? HOW SAD I AM GOING THROUGH A BIT OF SADNESS NOW, OH DEAR MAYBE I SHOULD EAT MY FEELINGS I NEED SOME CAKE

The answer is D. I suppose you could do B or C, but, you just went through some heavy shit, why not talk person to person? E-mailing is fine, but, it’ll take me a while to get back to you. You clearly need to kick it and chill out. Have a good talk, a good cry, go punch something, perhaps a small annoying dog. Maybe we can meet up and I will buy you many alcoholic beverages. It’s not like you need to go to the office tomorrow.

“Hey I’ll meet you in front of the movie theater at 9:15! Buy my ticket if you get there first.”

Do you:
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND LEAVE A MESSAGE.

The answer is C or D. I think this is obvious. It is certainly NOT A. The entire world does not need to know we are going to see a movie (especially if it’s something embarrassing, like Clash of the Titans in 3D), so Tweeting is probably the wrongest answer, if there is such a thing (and there is). I hate it when people Tweet each other being like “I an running five minutes late!” TEXT IT. If you must use Twitter, then direct message, that is precisely what that is there for.

“It burns when I pee.”

Do you
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT IN DETAIL WHILE I AM EATING WITH MY PARENTS

The answer is actually E) SEE A DOCTOR. I suppose you can do all of the above too, just because you want to share?

This stuff may not actually apply to any or all of you. Most of my friends aren’t on Twitter or don’t text because their phones are dumb. I’m totally cool with that. So, long story short, I love you guys. You know what else I love?

This IKEA commercial!

This entry was posted on Monday, April 5th, 2010 at 7:09 pm and is filed under technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.