Just thought of something: What if we make a shower out of soap!? That’d be nice, right? Yeah? Then we can just you know, rub up against it to bathe. Plus, we wouldn’t have to worry about soap scum getting on the shower. And we wouldn’t have to clean the shower because it’s already clean with all that soap and all. in addition, the shower would smell great…like an Irish spring if you will. OMG WHY AM I NOT RICH? I really should be rich.

If you are on a Mac, go to the dictionary/thesaurus in your dashboard and look up “word” and then scroll down to “word up”.

OR, if you are a PC or maybe just to make things easier, you can just look at it here.

Nice, right? Real nice. If you look up “Asian,” it says “Ching chong, let’s smoke some opium while you do my dry cleaning.” Then there’s actually a picture of a white person pulling his eyes to the side and a gong plays. Loudly. Fact.

I’m glad we’re friends.

I find you very friendly. Like, I would totally have a beer or a coffee or split an entire bag of Doritos with each and every one of you. I mean that. I don’t share Doritos with anyone. Sometimes people are like Oh I love Doritos, are those yours? And I’m like no…no why do you ask? Don’t you have…somewhere to be?

What I mean to say is we are all good friends. And like good friends, you guys e-mail or text or call or tweet me and each other. That’s great. This is all great. I appreciate these little golden nuggets of communication. Tarugitos de communicación del oro, if you will. I actually have no idea if that’s right. Doesn’t matter, really. Anyway, sometimes people e-mail or text or call or tweet and, like, do it wrong. Wait, Annie, you ask, is there a wrong way to do those things???

Yes. Dudes. Yes, there is.

Let us begin with some hypothetical examples that may or may not have happened in real life because they are hypothetical:

“Do you guys remember this IKEA commercial? It is AWESOME.”

Do you
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT WHILE I AM NOT IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER AND THEREFORE NOT CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET

The answer is A and B. Tweeting links is what Twitter is genetically engineered for. You do not text this. Text is not designed for this. Texting a link is kind of like teaching a parrot to sing “Happy Birthday to You.” Yes you can do it, BUT WHY and in addition IT’S A LOT OF WORK and more importantly, IT’S ANNOYING. E-mailing is fine and reasonable. I’m cool hand Luke with that. But if it’s a link I’d love to see, then it’s probably a link everyone wants to see, erego, Twitter.

“Oh my God, I just got laid off from my job, I don’t have any money, unemployment won’t kick in for another three weeks, my rent is due what do I do? OMG OMG GAH BLARGH”

Do you:
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT WHILE I AM LOUNGING AND WATCHING RERUNS OF “GREATEST AMERICAN HERO” ON HULU AND REALIZING WHAT A TERRIBLE SHOW IT ACTUALLY IS AND COMMISERATING ON MY CHILDHOOD WHERE I HAD BAD TASTE AND WONDERING HRMM WILL I LOOK BACK ON THE CRAP I WATCH ON TV NOW AND THINK THE SAME THING? HOW SAD I AM GOING THROUGH A BIT OF SADNESS NOW, OH DEAR MAYBE I SHOULD EAT MY FEELINGS I NEED SOME CAKE

The answer is D. I suppose you could do B or C, but, you just went through some heavy shit, why not talk person to person? E-mailing is fine, but, it’ll take me a while to get back to you. You clearly need to kick it and chill out. Have a good talk, a good cry, go punch something, perhaps a small annoying dog. Maybe we can meet up and I will buy you many alcoholic beverages. It’s not like you need to go to the office tomorrow.

“Hey I’ll meet you in front of the movie theater at 9:15! Buy my ticket if you get there first.”

Do you:
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND LEAVE A MESSAGE.

The answer is C or D. I think this is obvious. It is certainly NOT A. The entire world does not need to know we are going to see a movie (especially if it’s something embarrassing, like Clash of the Titans in 3D), so Tweeting is probably the wrongest answer, if there is such a thing (and there is). I hate it when people Tweet each other being like “I an running five minutes late!” TEXT IT. If you must use Twitter, then direct message, that is precisely what that is there for.

“It burns when I pee.”

Do you
A) TWEET THIS
B) E-MAIL THIS
C) TEXT THIS
D) CALL ME AND TELL ME ABOUT IT IN DETAIL WHILE I AM EATING WITH MY PARENTS

The answer is actually E) SEE A DOCTOR. I suppose you can do all of the above too, just because you want to share?

This stuff may not actually apply to any or all of you. Most of my friends aren’t on Twitter or don’t text because their phones are dumb. I’m totally cool with that. So, long story short, I love you guys. You know what else I love?

This IKEA commercial!

Over the weekend, a friend and I took a walk around the city and we came upon two “points of interest.”

They both happen to be playgrounds.

This one is from Chinatown/Lower East Side. As you can see, Alfred Smith Park is not afraid to express very “strong emotions”. You can’t see it here, but the merry-go-round is made of little middle fingers where you sit and spin. The fountain is full of piss. I’m actually serious about that. I think people piss in the fountains. Why not? After all, it has running water. It’s a great place to make urine. The only better place might be in your mother’s mouth OH COLD SNAP DANNGGG.

This MIGHT be the most depressing playground in NYC. On the other side of that wall is the FDR. So imagine, if you will, this awesome playground against a backdrop of traffic, honking, a chorus of “No fuck YOU!”, ambulance sirens, and a ton of automobile exhaust. My question is, what is the POINT? They should’ve just left it as a dumping ground for used needles. It would be more pleasant than this garbage. Can you imagine your parents being like heeeyyy let’s go to the playground, and you get all excited, and then they take you to THAT bullshit? “But look honey, you can rock back and forth and check out that very cool chain link fence!” What a scam. I should sue the city for false advertising. That is no playground, my friends. The depressing part of that is that the money spent to make that bullshit playground could’ve bought a set of books for a classroom, with money left over. And you could take the leftover cash monies, roll it into a big gigantic fatty and smoke it, and it’d still be better used than this playground.

Just saying.