My good friend Chris celebrated a birthday over the weekend. We surprised him at a Japanese restaurant in midtown and then proceeded to get very, very drunk, which is a very, very downtown thing to do in midtown.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the evening was the BEVY/PLETHORA/MYRIAD/GRIP of celebrities that showed up for Chris’s birthday!

This includes Karl! Lagerfeld! ZOMG!

I know everyone thinks Karl Lagerfeld is kind of a dick and a total megalomaniac and a diva and an old coot. And guess what? Everyone is right. Karl spent most of the night yawning and saying Japanese cuisine was “played out” and that “dee only people who do da Japanese right iz das French.” His words, not mine.

You know who else was there? Jay-Z. OMG WHO WANTS TO EFFING TOUCH ME?

He’s got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. Beyonce was not there. She apparently had better things to do, though I can’t really imagine what that could be. I mean come on. It’s Chris’s birthday. It comes once a year. Sometimes twice if you’re lucky and a little confused.

Karl and Jay-Z were a little embarrassed and perhaps a bit annoyed that they wore the same thing to dinner.

Actually a lot of people were there. Here let me show you:

From left to right we have: Grover, a bear wearing sunglasses, the HOVA, Karl, and Zidane.

You cannot see in the picture, but Zidane has a “blemish” on his lip. He says it was from head butting someone, but actually, upon closer inspection, it is a herpe. I know usually herpes travel in groups, therefore the use of the plural, herpes, but Zidane only had one herpe. I tried not to stare at it all night, but it’s hard. I mean he’s talking to you and the only thing coming out of his mouth is “Herpe herpe herpe, herpe! Herpe, herpe…herpe.”

Fact: Grover and Bunsen Honeydew were my favorite characters on Sesame Street. I was convinced that Bunsen was Asian, which is why I liked him. Yellowish, glasses, scientist. I mean come on. He’s a brother. My favorite Muppet was Waldorf and Statler, the crotchedy old dudes on the balcony who loved and then hated everything. I still relate to them.

Happy birthday, Chris!

I am in Philadelphia! I like this city. I find it pleasing. I’m here for work and the hotel kind of ran out of rooms so I ended up with a room that ALSO DOUBLES AS A CONFERENCE ROOM OMG. It has…

*a murphy bed! MURPHY BED Y’ALL. It comes DOWN FROM A WALL. Like from the future, or perhaps, from the past.

*living room! LIVING ROOM Y’ALL! Ok fine, it’s not a separate ROOM per se, but there’s a coffee table, a love seat and, like, 3 big ass chairs. They are plaid. I don’t know how I feel about that. I’d like to meet an interior decorator for this hotel. I have a lot of questions.

*breakfast nook! BREAKFAST NOOK! Like a little table with two chairs next to a window.

*TWO CLOSETS

*A LARGE DESK

*windows on TWO walls

*AN UGLY CHANDELIER

Dude I don’t even know what to do with myself. I just ran across the room twice just to have the experience of running indoors. When was the last time I ran around indoors? I don’t even know. In my apartment, it takes two steps to walk from the door to the bed. It takes two steps to walk from the bed to the bathroom. I can take, at least, twenty steps in this PALACE. If the decorating wasn’t so heinous I would totally live here.

One day I will grow up and live like a grown-up in which a door separates where I eat and where I sleep.

ATTENTION: MOUSE HAS BEEN CAUGHT. SUCCESS! IT IS THE ONLY SUCCESSFUL THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE.

TURNS OUT THAT THE MOUSE VERY MUCH ENJOYED ORGANIC PEANUT BUTTER FROM THE WHOLE FOODS WITH AN ORGANIC ROASTED WALNUT GARNISH. IT IS A VERY BOURGEOISIE MOUSE BECAUSE IT LIVES IN NEW YORK CITY, IN SOHO. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS THAT THIS MOUSE DOES NOT KEEP IT REAL IN THE STREETS. ACTUALLY, RIGHT BEFORE EATING ITS SNACK AND THEN DYING, IT WAS READING THE NEW YORKER AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WINE SELECTION IN MY APARTMENT. IT WAS JUST ABOUT TO WRITE A TUMBLR POST OF ANIMAL COLLECTIVE’S INSTALLATION AT THE GUGGENHEIM WHEN IT HAPPENED UPON THIS VERY DELICIOUS, VERY BOURGEOISIE LOCAVORE RAW ORGANIC SNACK AND THEN, GOT ITS NECK SNAPPED. I VERY MUCH DOUBT IT ENJOYED DYING. LISTEN. I DON’T FEEL BAD. I DON’T. SUE ME. NO I DARE YOU, EFFING SUE ME YOU CLOWNS. ALSO, I’M TOTALLY OVER THE NEW YORKER. I AM MORE OF A HARPER’S PERSON.

NOW, I SHALL SANITIZE MY ENTIRE APARTMENT. INCLUDING MY OVEN. MY OVEN, YOU GUYS, IT WAS IN MY EFFING OVEN!!!!

THEN, I SHALL RESUME writing blog posts in upper and lowercase so I can stop yelling at you. I’m sorry for yelling, I…just get so excited. And ragey.

VICTORY!

FRIENDS.

WHILST VACUUMING THE MOUSE SLIPPED PAST ME AND WENT UNDERNEATH MY BED. MY BED! ALSO YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I TOTALLY SCREAMED MY HEAD OFF.

I AM GOING TO LINE MY APARTMENT WITH STICKY TRAPS. AND, IN ADDITION, I WILL PUT MOUSE TRAPS ON TOP OF THE STICKY TRAPS. BECAUSE I AM A VERY THOROUGH PERSON.

ATTENTION: I HAVE FOUND THE MOUSE. IT HAS FOUND ITS WAY OUT OF THE OVEN AND NOW IT IS RUNNING LOOSE IN MY APARTMENT. I AM HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE IT IS IN GOOD AND ACTIVE HEALTH. I HOPE SOON TO DESTROY IT.

HEY MOUSE, I HOPE YOU LOVE PEANUT BUTTER. IT IS ORGANIC AND FROM WHOLE FOODS. YOU CAN FIND IT RIGHT HERE, CONVENIENTLY LOCATED BETWEEN STOVE AND REFRIGERATOR.

PLEASE ENJOY. IT IS JUST FOR YOU.

I have a mouse.

I have had mice before. I’ve probably had a lot of mice, actually, but I don’t really want to think about that. In my time here in this crapbox apartment, I have killed two mice. By execution traps. I do not believe in sticky traps, those are cruel. But I also do not believe in those have-a-heart traps because, sadly, I do not have a heart. I want to DESTROY and KILL. DESTROY AND KILL TILL THEY ARE DESTROYED AND KILLED. It is not like I am killing giant pandas here. They are mice. Yes, they have feelings. But, I also have feelings. These feelings include rage, anxiety, maybe a little bit of fear, disgust, and the ability to ignore feelings of compassion to kill mice. I am human! I’ve got opposable thumbs. Opposable thumbs that help me set traps to kill mice. Muuhahaha! That is my evil laugh! Which I can do because I am human! Muuhahaah!

So the problem here is that the mouse is stuck in my oven. And not like in the baking area. I mean INSIDE my oven. In the guts of my oven. Where the pipes and the wires and coils all meet in some kind of oven jungle. I have a feeling it’s stuck inside and can’t get out because I hear it gnawing at something. And not gnawing on food, but like, on something metal. It’s really trying to get out of there. So when you bang on the oven, it sorta just stops. And then starts right back up again. It doesn’t scurry away. Probably because it CAN’T. FUCKKKK. There’s a mouse stuck in my oven!

So yes, I turned on the oven, but then I felt guilty and also, baking a mouse is thoroughly disgusting and probably not healthy. Also I am vegetarian, so baking an animal is not something I do. Also, like, what’s the best temperature to bake a mouse at? 375°? 450°? That’s degrees F (Europeans you will have to do the math). So I turned the oven off. But then all night this fucking MOUSE was trying to gnaw its way out of a stainless steel box. Look, buddy, COME OUT THE WAY YOU GOT IN. Oh wait, you don’t remember because you are a stupid mouse. Gah.

Right now the mouse is quiet. However, I know that mice prefer the night, much like hookers. So I must wait to see if it found its way out, somehow. Why did it get into my oven in the first place? I barely use that thing because it leaks carbon monoxide. Not to mention the fact that now it’s probably leaking a shitload because the mouse ate through the tubes. So now I’m probably going to die. Yeah, I do have a carbon monoxide detector, but sadly, it is out of batteries. Oh well. If you don’t hear from me it’s because I got really, really sleepy.

Hey friends,

Things got a little sad for the past two weeks or so, but now I am back and better. For those of you who do not know: a friend from college passed away and then a co-worker also passed away. Two separate incidences that happened more or less within 48 hours of each other. It’s been sad. But, things are better. For the record, I am glad February is over because it is truly a bullshit stupid month.

The last time I saw Peter was at my friend’s wedding. He showed up in Rhode Island without a hotel, because why would he bother with a hotel? Classic Peter. Just show up and it will work out. People will take care of you. It is like 50% sweet and 50% pure annoyance because I am more or less the opposite. I had my hotel reservation for like…six months. I am all organized n’ shit. So he and my friend Don (who also did not bother with a hotel because, let’s face it, only one person in a group needs to be organized, everyone else can just chill and hit the bong or whatever) crashed with me and Rosalyne and Peter spent all night snoring something FIERCE (like fierce in a bad way, not fierce in a fabulous, Lady Gaga in a camel-toe-leotard way) and in the middle of the night, Don punches him and says PETE YOU ARE FUCKING SNORING and Pete says, “What? What do you want me to do about it?” All indignant. And guess what? He was right. What the fuck is he supposed to do about it? It was a golden moment. But, in addition, I wanted to kill him because seriously, he snored SO LOUD it is like a pile driver in your earholes. I should also mention that Rosalyne snores too so it was like snoring in STEREO. I had to roll Rosalyne over on her side at one point. Like an infant. Then Pete woke up and made himself a bloody mary. Again, classic Peter. He was like, do you want some, and I was like uh I just brushed my teeth, dude.

Also, I should mention that Peter’s favorite book was HAWAII by James Michener. It is probably the worst book ever written. Seriously. You read the first paragraph and you are like WTF this is pure CRAP. I can shit a better book than this. I don’t even know how many times he read it. He would finish the last page, and then start right back at the first page, cigarette dangling form his lips, with an ash about an inch long. Worst. Book. Ever. At first I thought he loved it ironically. But then I realized he actually truly, madly, deeply loved the book. I want to say it’s about indigenous Hawaiians and maybe some white people come along and fall in love with some kind of Hawaiian and maybe there’s some kind of war with the natives? I don’t even know. All I know is that the book is about Hawaii and does not feature Magnum P.I. so I was not interested. But now I feel like I should read it. He would be so proud of me if I read it. But I would also hate him for it. Which, knowing Peter, he would also like.

So thank you Peter. It was truly an honor, and there are many people who will miss you. You should know that. I’m sure you do not give a shit, because that is your nature, but you know, people miss you. No, no, no! YOU shut up! My love to Eunice and his family. I’m not sure how a family recovers from something like this, honestly, but it will happen. It has to.

As for my co-worker, Naomi, she was battling cancer for a long time. What’s surprising was how strong she was. She just was always together. Like hey, this thing I have, whatever. I will beat it maybe, or maybe I won’t. But I’m just going to live a normal life and meet deadlines, checking email while getting her treatments. It’s crazy. If I were in her position, I probably would’ve bawled my eyes out and then really hammed it up so people would bring me ice cream. That is how I roll, sue me. Naomi and her husband have one of those relationships that make you realize that relationships can actually work. Truly one of those ‘love of my life’ connections and you are surprised because it’s so rare to see that now. But, she laid out what she wanted, and everyone carried it out. She made things easy. I missed the funeral service because I was in California for Peter’s. There’s nothing like missing one funeral because of another. But, I heard it was beautiful and fitting for someone so beautiful. So thank you, Naomi, it has been an honor. Tell Peter I said hi and to shut up.

So friends, I thank you for all your support.

And, in other news, my neighbors are still naked. I am now leaving my curtains OPEN in the hope that they will SEE ME and realize OH SHIT SHE CAN SEE ME and then get curtains that actually work. But so far this plan has severely backfired. The other night, the girl was BUTT NAKED and sitting on her futon and she was FIGHTING with her boyfriend, who was fully clothed. I am not entirely sure how you even get into a fight with a naked girl. Like you must have done something really, really wrong for that to happen. I was confused. But also, she does not know how to use her indoor voice. So she was just yelling and quite frankly, it was kind of shrill. Too shrill to make out separate words. I can only imagine what it is like inside their apartment.

Then she storms out, and soon after the dude drops his trousers, scratches his nuts and talks on the phone.

That is when I decided to close my curtains.

I guess officially I am spying on them, but DUDES THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE CURTAINS.