DFW: The F stands for…F
I just had a very sad day of flying. It snowed A FOOT in Dallas/Fort Worth, which messed up the airports. Plus Texans are like what is this white stuff y’all and it’s like yo, buddy, it’s SNOW but you don’t have to DRIVE THREE MILES PER HOUR IN IT. I mean seriously, Texas. It’s snow. It’s not like small Chinese orphans lining the street. You can actually drive on TOP of it and no one will die. However, I have to say Texans are like the nicest people. Everyone was saying hi and thank you and it was just totally off putting. I was like no one has told me to fuck off in two days I feel a little lost. I need a hug. And a swift kick in the nads.
It also snowed a thousand feet in NYC, so it messed up those airports. I happened to be flying through Dallas to go to NYC so I was double punched. Pow! Pow! So what that means is that I spent a lot of quality time at the airport and then spent quality time on the runway. And then we spent quality time in the plane while it was getting de-iced. And then I spent quality time in a cab sitting in traffic. So much quality, you guys. It was restaurant quality, in fact.
The cabbie was UNREAL though. We were sitting in traffic because, hello, it’s rush hour and before a three-day weekend, and I was trying my best to direct him around according to the Google Maps traffic fairies and the dude just blows up. Laying on his horn, yelling at people, yelling at ME because it’s obviously my fault that everyone wants to leave NYC over Prez Day weekend. And then, we’re on the streets and there’s this fire engine trying to back up into its garage and the cabbie flips out and is laying on the horn. AT THE FIRE ENGINE. I was like dude, it’s a fire engine! And it’s like one of those firehouses where half the guys died in the towers on 9/11 too so there’s always flowers and candles and photosin front of the firehouse so the cabbie is looking like an even bigger monster prick. I was totally embarrassed. So I was like come on, just let the dudes park their truck, it’ll take five minutes, tops, and then he totally ignored me and kept on laying on the horn. What I mean to say is that the cabbie was not projecting a very positive image.
So now I’m home.
What a better way to relax than watch some shiba inu puppies! Warning: You may squeal.
I thought killing pedestrians was part of the fun of driving. foreigners are worth double points!
From the remote sunny dry vantage of LA your snow-wrecked voyage sounds like the biggest weather related accident since KABC7 weathercaster Dallas Raines bought his wardrobe.
Dude, sorry about your travel troubles. I have to defend the Texans a little tho; the first year we were moved to Florida, it snowed that Christmas (we were fresh off the boat from a three year stint in Japan). Needless to say, we didn’t really bat an eye. But the rest of the town went batsh*t crazy and thought that Jesus was about to make a quick pit stop on the planet. Oh, the memories.
On a happier note, I’m rereading your book and enjoying it all over again. Are you working on any new material these days?