MY EYES BURN THEY BURRRN
New neighbors moved into the unit across the alleyway from me. So we are in two different buildings, but they are basically next door to me. If I go out onto my fire escape, I can almost touch their fire escape. That is how close we are to each other. We could set up cute little sytrofoam cup phones. That’d be cute right? Not really. Styrofoam is bad for the environment. Our beds face each other. Like! At camp! They are practically my roommates. Except they are not. Because they suck. That is not to say a roommate cannot suck, but if my roommates sucked, I’d totally throw them out of my house. I’d probably get all dramatic too, like throw their clothes out the window. I’ve always wanted to do that. It’s like a dream of mine. GET! OUT! OF! MY! HOUSE! And then there’s this cascade of clothes and bad CDs and random sporting equipment and maybe a TV if it’s not too heavy. The point is, my neighbors are NOT my roommates and I cannot throw my neighbors out of their house, which is sad, because I really want to.
They moved in weeks ago and didn’t have curtains. NO CURTAINS! Ladies and gentlemen, CURTAINS are among the FIRST things you put up. Curtains and toilet paper. Everything else you can do later. But you NEED curtains (especially if you live in NYC and you can touch your neighbor’s fire escape). And, of course, you NEED toilet paper. I cannot say for sure if my neighbors have toilet paper. I mean, they may not. I don’t know. If they don’t have curtains, why would they have toilet paper? But I can definitely confirm that THEY DID NOT HAVE CURTAINS.
So I did all these passive aggressive things like walking past MY window so it is obvious that YES NEIGHBOR YOU CAN SEE ME WHICH MEANS I CAN SEE YOU! OMG! And then I modeled good behavior by closing my curtains. OMG NOW I CAN’T SEE YOU! RAD! YOU GUYS SHOULD REALLY GET ON THIS CURTAIN THING. IT’S THE BUSINESS. So for weeks, I’d see my neighbors spooning or whatever, etc. Really awkward. It’s like coming home and finding strangers spooning on your bed. Like. Dudes. That’s.. my bed.
Fast forward to a few days ago. Neighbors! Got! Curtains! Joyous! Celebration! Balance was restored. Now we can both trade off having them open. That is what I did with my previous neighbor Monsieur European-Underwear Man. That is another story for another day.
So then, today, I come home. My curtains happened to be open. And there I see my neighbors. Having sex. Loud sex. With. Their. Curtains. Open.
So what I’m trying to say, is that my neighbors do not know how to use curtains.
Also I’m trying to say that my neighbors do not understand the value and sanctity of private space in the City of New York. Or they just don’t care that they are having sex in my apartment. MY apartment! Strangers! Having sex! In my apartment! Seriously, I just washed those sheets, too.
Also I’m trying to say is that what I have seen cannot be undone. There is no control-Z (command-Z if you are on a mac) FOR MY EYEHOLES.
I just bought your book and can’t put it down (’cept to write on here). It’s amazing; I had given up hope for Korean American writers until I got my hands on your book! Thanks for making me laugh and cry all at once. You rock!
-Diana in Cerritos
these goggles…they do nothing!
i guess u can get mirrored drapes or post this or similar pic in window:
http://growabrain.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/03/16/nun_with_glasses.jpg
it may work, or not. some people need love AND an audience.
At least they took the step of getting curtains.
Baby steps… baby steps.
But I love Jon’s idea of posting that picture in your window.
See, I would find this life-affirming.
I hate to ask this, but…are they unfortunately er, proportioned?
Anyway, we had the same thing happen.
Our Neighbor From Hell cut down the 12′ high oleander hedge that grew between our houses (and bedroom windows) and demolished the 6′ fence, too. (Of course, it was OUR fence and hedge and he had blatantly violated the order-of-protection we had in place, but that’s another story.) We saw a LOT of things through that window.
Seeing him get arrested in his bedroom for a DUI Hit-and-Run was pretty cool (those cops are so brave around blood) but the best was when he brought home the Asian mail-order bride.
He was a disgusting fat pig (an understatement, to be sure, but it’s what we told the judge) and she was a very pretty and tiny Chinese gal who spoke no English. From what we could ascertain from ten feet away, she had, shall we say, an indulgent and compliant attitude toward him and his uh, amorous peccadilloes. *shudder*
It was horrible to see…and YOU COULDN”T HELP IT because you never knew when something was going to happen in there, right?
Blinds open: no problem for weeks.
Blinds open: Oh! NO! Don’t look! AHH! TOO late! Agh! (And closing the blinds was so embarassing, because it’s really hard to close them without them noticing…and looking up…from…their…activities.)
Here’s one thing I learned: porn is a ghastly business if it’s not done by young, sober professionals with lots of good warm lighting, make-up and a strong post-production editing engineer. Don’t try it at home, kids.
Yecch.
ew. no. traumatized for life. Never open the curtains again.
And on the outside of your window, put up a HUGE sign that says something like…
“Do what’s right, be polite, my eyes have seen an awful sight. Please close your drapes, for our fire escapes, are the only things I should see from this height…. And not your sweaty naked sex. Thanks.”
It’s educational, AND it rhymes…ish.
Window treatments have been around for quite some time. I’m no expert, but they seem to have become quite advanced by the heyday of Venice (venetian blinds). Along with everybody else, your neighbors most likely know how to use them, so what are they really plotting in there? Is it a government-funded population control effort? Who would want to make the love after that sight/sound? Are they extending a hopeful, yet bashful invite? Are they simply trying to demonstrate their proficiencies in some ill-conceived cry for approval? Maybe some deep-seeded inadequacy issues drive them to shout it from the rooftops that they beat the odds; that they managed to trick another out of his/her clothes despite some horrible short-coming (not realizing that the rest of us simply don’t care.)
One thing is for certain. The issue must be confronted. History has showed us again and again that you just can’t keep the kids from what feels good.
Your eyes will always burn, but you must cut the cause before the burn spreads. Good luck Annie.