Important News, Pay Attention, Damnit.
A friend called me in the middle of the day today. He called because he had some very important news to deliver.
He told me that his high-class call-girl-cousin-turned-model’s dad died. I felt bad and then realized, wait, you have a high-class call-girl-cousin-turned-model? Then I said, oh I’m so sorry, dude, you have my sympathies and then he told me to shut the fuck up because the real important news is that
IT IS THE TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF “U CAN’T TOUCH THIS.”
Yes. U can’t touch this. U really can’t. Sorry. I mean I know u want to touch it, but u just can’t. It’s just not possible. Mostly because I am so hot, therefore, u can’t touch this. I mean u can touch it, but then u’d get burned, so maybe it’s just best if u don’t touch it. Don’t take it the wrong way. Most people can’t touch this. Nor should they. So, just to review, u can’t touch this. Now, stop.
Hammertime.
Then he clarified that it’s the single’s twentieth anniversary, not the album. And then I was all, no derrr you asshat, the record is called “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em” not “You Can’t Touch This.” What am I? An idiot? Bish, pleaze.
So in honor of the great MC Hammer who is busy melting his gold medallion of him wearing a gold medallion and his gold sledgehammer, baby I shall post something you cannot touch.
Dude that man is so…aerobic. He practically invented the Running Man. I mean have you ever seen anyone run in place like that? Now imagine if he were actually running! He’d be the Usain Bolt of hip-hop. Unstoppable. Also those pants are so effing street. Inside his pants there are actually other pants. Also there is the biggest set of balls you have ever seen. I mean it takes a real man to wear those pants, you feel me?
Remember when he tried to challenge Michael Jackson to a dance-off? I was like whoa, this guy is 2 legit 2 quit.
And that pretty much killed his career. Also, I heard he had a house in the San Fernando Valley, which is also kind of a dealbreaker. Though, Dr. Dre does live in the Valley too, but still. He’s Dr. Dre. He lived in COMPTON. To him the Valley is a nice part of town. But Hammer. He is so not street. I mean if you wore those pants in the CPT you’d get shot. You’d get shot with normal pants on too, but hammer pants? Might as well just paint a big target on your ass. Dr. Dre couldn’t even wear Hammer pants in the CPT and make it out alive. Seriously. U can’t touch this? Yes you can with a bullet. Just saying.
Aura: Damn that was messed up. I fixed it, sorry.
Yay! I’d been waiting for that text all day, and then, just when I was beginning to despair, you got it in - six minutes before the anniversary was over. But here’s the thing, I never knew about the Michael Jackson-Hammer dance-off challenge, so I googled it, and I found this. Absorb the beautiful poetry of the prose, the gentle, exquisite rhythm of the sentences. Why is this author writing for EW and not the New Yorker or FSG? I don’t know.
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,316131,00.html
This:
http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20325670,00.html
is the only thing I’ve found that rivals the Hammer article in sheer artistic excellence.
oh, and also, Rhena met her.
haha! now the comments are posting in backwards order, like, as if you got into the delorian and fixed the problem before i complained about it. BADASS!!! and so appropriate - as if something equally badass (time travel) had to happen to mark the anniversary of badassness (u cant touch this). oh, hammer’s all kinds of happy tonight.
Aura: At the end of 2 Legit 2 Quit there’s a little jab at Michael Jackson. It references his ‘dance-off’. RIP!
I think your blog posts comments in a different time zone. Either that, or there is magic at work: It is currently 1:28 am and it says that you posted a comment at 2:09 am. WTF?
Actually, Hammer used to live in the suburb where I grew up…up in the hills above the town though, because, you know, he can’t be slumming it with the soccer moms and stuff. My friends sold Girl Scout cookies to his guards once…yeah. True story.
Allison: If I lived in a suburb I’d need guards too. Soccer moms pack heat.
I’ve been on a 90s hip-hop kick lately. Thanks for indulging me.