FRAGE! FRAAAGGEEE!!!!
HOLY SHIT IT IS SO COLD IN MY APARTMENT RIGHT NOW. BLAAAH!
I am wearing a puffy coat. It is like one of those coats that’s like a sleeping bag with sleeves. You know this, yes? It is ugly precisely because sleeping bags are ugly and a sleeping bag with sleeves on it is even uglier. I have yet to see a sleeping bag with sleeves that does not look ugly. It’s kind of like how I’ve never seen a pigeon that is not ugly. The shit does not exist. Like freakin unicorns. (In an aside, when I was nine I met this girl who was convinced that unicorns were real and lions were make-believe and I remember being like, dude, you are an idiot, and she was totally adamant about it. I even busted out the encyclopedia and showed her an entry for lions and then she showed me the entry for unicorns and it was, like, a really confusing time for me.)
Anyway I’m wearing one of those puffy coats INSIDE my apartment and I am STILL cold. I am also wearing over the knee long socks that are so tight and thick that they are cutting off circulation to my vagina, not to be crass or anything. I am also wearing Pikachu slippers which are like sticking your feet into two large stuffed animals. I am also wearing a hat, a scarf, and fingerless gloves.
AND I AM STILL COLD.
In addition, I am boiling a large pot of water to heat up my apartment. It is…not working. It actually does work if I stand right next to the pot of water, but unfortunately my legs are getting tired FROM STANDING NEXT TO A POT OF WATER. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME.
It is FUCKING COLD AND I AM FUCKING ANGRY. I AM IN A FROZEN RAGE. A FRAGE! FRAAGGEE!
Landlord has not returned calls. I don’t think he is there. He is certainly not here. I mean if he were here, he’d be like WTF WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN COLD IN THIS APARTMENT SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THE LANDLORD and then I’d kick him in the sac.
I should probably not mention that it is currently 81 degrees (outside) here and I just enjoyed a lovely happy hour under the palm trees. I should probably keep that to myself because in another month, I will be freezing to death alongside you and people who live in Florida that brag about how warm it is all winter will suddenly seem EXTREMELY ANNOYING. So I will refrain from sharing the temperature and concern myself with which bikini I should don tomorrow to watch the holiday boat parade. If I bump into your landlord (who clearly is NOT in your building and could very well be lounging around South Beach), I’ll be sure to pass on the whole heat-fixing memo. Good luck with that.
Space heater?
Screw calling the landlord; it’s time you call a real estate agent and get a new place to live!
I despise being cold, and my apartment is very drafty, so I dig your frage.
A really hot shower or bath will warm you up. When you’re freshly warmed from the tub, put on flannels and wrap up in blankets, and definitely keep a hat on. Drink hot tea to warm you from the inside.
I hope it gets better, Annie!
The good news here is that froooozen liquids don’t spil.
I think you should try gloves WITH fingers. I think this would maybe be the difference you are looking for.
This is why I live in Los Angeles and vacation in St. Thomas.