Do not feed your two-year-old a jelly donut before a six hour flight. actually do not feed your two-year-old a jelly donut. Unless it’s made of vegetables. like cabbage. WTF. This flight might suck it.

The security guy asked me why I wasn’t spending Christmas with my family and he asked if I was Jehovah’s. I just said we didn’t celebrate because we are lazy. Then he asked me out. No, he was not hot.

A friend told me that a cabbie picked her up at a hospital and asked her out for a drink. It was 4am.

Once a cabbie dropped me off at my apartment at 3am and asked if I lived alone and then mentioned that HE WAS VERY VERY LONELY SO LONELY SO HARD TO FEEL SO ALONE. Then asked if he could come up.

I am currently cleaning THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY APARTMENT. It’s a big Korean/Asian thing to clean THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOUR HOME to usher (Usher!!!) the New Year. Since I’m leaving for California tomorrow, I have to clean THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY APARTMENT now before I leave.

I have made…some archeological discoveries whilst cleaning, I will share them with you because I love you all and I think it’s important that you understand what I have discovered because they are pieces of history and they are valuable and will make me very, very rich.

-A bottle of ketchup. It looks like regular ketchup. Heinz brand. Because Hunts brand really does suck it, I don’t know why anyone bothers to get anything else but Heinz. Seriousy. Don’t be a prick, spend the extra dollar and get the Heinz. Anyway it is ketchup. It is red, it is thick, it is ‘chock full of lypoprene’ which sounds like something my bathing suit is made out of or something baseball players put on their junk because it itches. The only problem with my ketchup is that IT EXPIRED IN TWO THOUSAND AND FIVE. That is (nearly) FIVE YEARS AGO. HALF A DECADE AGO.

-A can of Campbell’s Vegetarian Vegetable Alphabet Soup. I rarely eat canned soup, unless I am very, very desperate. Like when I was in grad school and had $5 in my bank account. What can $5 get you in NYC? Well, it gets you a can of soup and a bagel. It does not get you salad, however. You know how people reminice about their “salad days”? Well clearly they did not live in NYC because you cannot afford salad here. Lettuce costs more than $5. Anyway the point is, my “salad days” were more like “soup days”. I happen to like soup, it is kind of like drinking a food pyramid. Kind of convenient. Anyway, this can of Campbell’s Vegetarian Vegetable Alphabet Soup expired in TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR. Which is when I was in grad school. SIX YEARS AGO. SIX! HALF A DOZEN YEARS AGO!

-I found a bag of what might be brown sugar, but it looks more like a brown brick that is ROCK SOLID. If I had a thousand more of these, I would build myself a wood-fire pizza oven. A PIZZA OVEN, PEOPLE. Everyone likes pizza, am I right? Just say yes even if you don’t agree. Pizza is like advanced phD level toast. You know how much I love toast.

-I also found the following:
Godiva Chocolate Liquor, a third of a bottle
Frangelico, almost finished. Maybe a few tablespoons left
Kahlua, half a bottle
Amaretto, three-quarters of a bottle
Triple Sec, quarter left

I should make some kind of adult beverage out of this business. Like an adult milkshake. But probably not with the triple sec, that stuff is kind of weird. Is there such thing as Double Sec? I mean maybe triple is just too much. Maybe I just want double? You know, I’m trying to moderate more. Triple just seems extreme. Double is fine, thank you.

-I FOUND A TRASH CAN. A REAL TRASH CAN. Tucked away on the pantry floor. Holy shit. A garbage can. I can see why I hid it away. it is a real piece of shit. I wanted to throw the garbage can in the garbage can. I’m not sure how to do that, so I just gave it to my neighbors.

-A box of 3-hole-punched paper. Curious. I have no idea how it got here, nor do I ever remember needing it or using it or buying it. It is a gift from Santa. On his days off he works at Staples. It’s a recession, everyone’s taking on more responsibilties.

-I found a pair of binoculars. Nice. It was in my pantry, next to a can of chile peppers in adobo. Because that is where one keeps binoculars.

I found some other stuff too, all historical artifacts that will make me very very rich. I’m going to the Natural History museum tomorrow to sell all this stuff, I am sure they will be very happy. If not, I’ll give it to the Met. I hear they’ll take anything.

Dear architects,

Mindy Kaling, a GENIUS of The Office (American version), wrote an article about the holidays in the NY Times. In it she says this:

(For the record, Alex is a product of my imagination. I realize that no real people are actually architects, and that it is a profession that exists entirely in movies, like art gallery owner or children’s bookshop proprietor.)

ZOMG! Whereas I was sick of your shits, dear architects, Mindy Kaling doesn’t even acknowledge your existence! You are like a unicorn. Kind of. Maybe more like a minotaur. Or a centaur. You are perhaps, some version of man and beast, together in perfect harmony with a penchant for violence and a heightened attention to detail that most do not and will not appreciate. I hope you do not email her angry and mean things. I think she is AWESOME and I would like to be her when I grow up. So be nice.

Your friend,

Annie Choi

Someone in my friend’s office ordered something.

All I could think was, no, no, no, EURA-tard! Ha ha ha ha!

It’s a European dancewear company. We all know that Europeans make the best unitards. I mean Europe is pretty much synonymous with unitards, am I right?

HOLY SHIT IT IS SO COLD IN MY APARTMENT RIGHT NOW. BLAAAH!

I am wearing a puffy coat. It is like one of those coats that’s like a sleeping bag with sleeves. You know this, yes? It is ugly precisely because sleeping bags are ugly and a sleeping bag with sleeves on it is even uglier. I have yet to see a sleeping bag with sleeves that does not look ugly. It’s kind of like how I’ve never seen a pigeon that is not ugly. The shit does not exist. Like freakin unicorns. (In an aside, when I was nine I met this girl who was convinced that unicorns were real and lions were make-believe and I remember being like, dude, you are an idiot, and she was totally adamant about it. I even busted out the encyclopedia and showed her an entry for lions and then she showed me the entry for unicorns and it was, like, a really confusing time for me.)

Anyway I’m wearing one of those puffy coats INSIDE my apartment and I am STILL cold. I am also wearing over the knee long socks that are so tight and thick that they are cutting off circulation to my vagina, not to be crass or anything. I am also wearing Pikachu slippers which are like sticking your feet into two large stuffed animals. I am also wearing a hat, a scarf, and fingerless gloves.

AND I AM STILL COLD.

In addition, I am boiling a large pot of water to heat up my apartment. It is…not working. It actually does work if I stand right next to the pot of water, but unfortunately my legs are getting tired FROM STANDING NEXT TO A POT OF WATER. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME.

It is FUCKING COLD AND I AM FUCKING ANGRY. I AM IN A FROZEN RAGE. A FRAGE! FRAAGGEE!

Landlord has not returned calls. I don’t think he is there. He is certainly not here. I mean if he were here, he’d be like WTF WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN COLD IN THIS APARTMENT SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THE LANDLORD and then I’d kick him in the sac.

Hello friends, I have returned! I am EXTREMELY HORRIBLY INSANELY INTENSELY JETLAGGED. Jesus. It’s bad. I woke up this morning BEFORE THE SUN (dude BEFORE THE SUN!!!!) and really wanted spaghetti. Spaghetti, you guys. And I know this is hard to believe, but it is really really really hard to find someone who serves spaghetti in the morning. It is just not a breakfast food for some stoopid reason. Italians don’t even eat spaghetti for breakfast. There is some kind of lame conspiracy going on. Anyway I would make my goddamn spaghetti myself, but I know for a fact that if I did that, it would taste disgusting and also, it would not be exactly what I wanted. When you have a craving, you have to like GET ON THAT EXACT craving or else you’ll feel sad and unsatisfied. NO people, I am not pregnant. I just want goddamn spaghetti. Sue me! So now I have to wait for some spaghetti joint to open. Apparently that means I have to wait for lunch, local time. My problem is that I am SIX HOURS IN THE FUTURE where it is already lunch, and in fact, PAST lunch. Tick tock people. Dude I think I just drooled on myself. Spaghetti sounds salty and chewy and warm and cheesy. Good god, someone save me.

Anyway, Paris and Berlin were effing AWESOME. I’ll post some pictures soon. I’m not a big fan of posting vacation photos though, so I will “keep it real” and try not to “annoy the shit out of you”. Instead I’ll post funny stuff, like the group of people on Segways at the Holocaust Memorial.

Ah yes, Segways and the Holocaust, two great tastes that taste great together. Segways will never, ever, ever be cool you guys. Seriously. Sometimes I see cops on Segways and I feel so bad for them. Like you know when they got the Segway beat a little piece of them died and they had to cut off their balls. And if they are women, they had to grow balls first just so they could cut them off. Being a Segway cop is worse than being a bike cop. Here’s what I do know though: Nothing is more badass than a cop on a effing horse. Horses own. Segways suck. The end.