I celebrated a birthday last week. I hope I never stop having birthdays because THEY ARE AWESOME. We should have more birthdays, right? Would that make it less special? Maybe. But you know what? It would really spice up the economy. Just saying.

My mother called me at 9:30 in the morning, while I was at the office. She was like “What are you doing?” And I was all dude, I’m AT THE OFFICE because that is what I do on a Tuesday at 9:30 and she’s all, “Happy birthday! You so old now. You should have baby and I raise it for you.” That was all.

My cousin, who lives in Seoul, had a kid, but then went through a divorce. She’s a concert pianist and goes on tour a lot, so my aunt and my mom are more or less raising the kid. Being raised by one’s grandmothers basically means you get a shitload of attention and, like, all the ice cream you want. So they want to have another sibling for the kid so he can, you know, “keep it real.” Which, I suppose, is where I come in. PLEASE NOTE: My uterus is currently closed. Sorry for the inconvenience. At this time there are no plans to open my uterus. However, you can sign up for the newsletter to get the latest updates on my uterus. Just kidding. A uterus newsletter would be heinous. Or, awesome. You know how some people will send you email from babies or pets in the first person, like “Hi, Today I had my first piece of cake and boy, was it messy!” or “Today I went for a long walk, played fetch with Mommy and Daddy and I found a dead squirrel!” Well, my uterus newsletter would be like that. “Today I’m dry and old and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to breed! OMG, sad face. But don’t worry Mom is totes taking good care of me! LOL!” Yes, my uterus is like a 12-year-old girl. Disturbing, I know, but listen, it’s my uterus. I can’t change it. It is what it is, you understand?

Speaking of uterii, in Canada, I saw this sign and, of course, had to take a photo of it because the rest of my body is also 12 years old, just like my uterus.

So here’s the moral of the story: I am older in Earth years, but in mental years, I am still, like, 12 years old. Now, who wants to drop me off at the mall?

I am trying to download Office on a computer. It is a Mac. I do not steal Office because I decide to do things the “legal” way because legalness is the way to go here, in this particular case for this particular person’s computer. So I go to the Microsoft website, there’s a big banner: HEY KIDS, IT’S BACK TO SCHOOL, GET MICROSOFT OFFICE FOR, LIKE, $99 OMG IT’S A SALE. I’m like Hell yeah motherfuckers! Let’s get ON this bitch! Everyone loves a bargain!

I go, it is purchased, I start the download, and that is when I SEE THE HUGE ERROR. It is downloading an exe file. This is a PC file. This is not a Mac file. I have just purchased PC version of Office for a MAC. THERE IS ERROR. MAJOR FAIL. Nay, ADMIRAL FAIL. It is a COLONEL failure of 11 secret herbs and spices. So I think to myself this is such horseshit. Here is why:

1. A website should know if you are accessing it from a PC or a Mac. This is not a supersecret thing. Many sites do this. If I am on a Mac and I need to buy and then download software, it should know, hey, you should get the Mac version because you are on a Mac!

2. But let’s say Option 1 is not an option because you do not know how to run or program a website even though you are a computing and software giant. If you are downloading a digital version of software, you should be given the HEY DOWNLOAD THE PC VERSION or HEY FRIEND, HERE’S THE MAC VERSION! BFF-4-EVA! This was not given to me. No.

3. There’s no 3, because 1 and 2 should be enough reason.

Surely I am not the only asshole this has happened to, right? Also! Mac version of Office is $50 more expensive. I wanted to just SHARE THAT WITH YOU. I have been penalized for being awesome. Fine. Suit yourself Microsoft. I could’ve stolen this crap, but I didn’t and now I realize I probably should’ve because stealing was actually easier than buying. You are MAKING ME STEAL, FOOL. You are turning me into some kind of criminal.

End of rant. Thank you for being a friend.

I just tried to water ski for the very first time. I got up for three seconds. Then I fell.

Attempt 1: Fell on face

Attempt 2: Fell on butt

Attempt 3: Fell on butt

So final score: Face 1, Butt 2. Annie, 0.

I am tired.

So Attempt 4 will be NAP.

If you asked me right this very second, HEY WHERE ARE YOU BLOGGING FROM? I would answer CANADA. And if you ask WHERE? I would answer CANADA. Then if you ask NO IDIOT, I MEAN WHERE IN CANADA? I would say HEY, HEY NO NEED TO YELL AT ME. I AM BLOGGING LIVE FROM CANADA, EARTH, THE MILKY WAY, WHAT IS UP WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?

So, I’m above the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. There. It’s a place. In Canada. There are trees here. Polite people. A womanizing dog. A gentle breeze. Peace. All good things.

I’m trying to figure out how to post pictures from my phone without having to pay these stupid mobile data charges to WordPress. OMG, it’s like Canada doesn’t want me to be a winner. Listen, I’m on to you, Canada. You are going to try to rip me off but I won’t have any of it. No. I will settle this as I settle everything: via CAGEMATCH.

I’m leaving for Canada on Saturday. I believe it’s what the common people call “vacation” but what Canadians just call it “going home”. Anyway, I did this last year, if you recall. I am told that Canada has Internet access, which surprises me because it really seemed like a country full of heathens who can’t tie their own shoes. But listen, I was wrong. Canadians can tie their own shoes. Sometimes, I’m wrong.

Anyway, Canada will be filled with all kinds of outdoor activities. Some of these activities include running away from bears. Other activities involve getting into something called a “kayak” and looking for beavers. Heh. Beavers. Kayak is the sound I make when I karate chop someone. FYI.

So I’m trying to get together some books for my trip. There’ll be a lot of reading because I think the weather is going to be BUTT. Anyway, I go on B&N website to get some fly books and then I start seeing the “recommendations”. Dude.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES:

If you like Thomas Pynchon, you may like DEAN KOONTZ!

If you like Thomas Bernhard’s the Old Masters, you may like TWILIGHT!

If you like War and Peace, you may like ANGELS & DEMONS!

Dude. I don’t even want to live anymore.

From Wiki, with edits so it doesn’t read like a 7th grade book report:

Thomas Bernhard: Austrian playwright and novelist. He is widely considered to be one of the most important German-speaking authors of the postwar era. His main protagonists, often scholars or, as he calls them, Geistesmenschen, denounce everything that matters to the Austrian in tirades against the “stupid populace”. His work also continually deals with the isolation and self-destruction of people striving for an unreachable perfection, since this same perfection would mean stagnancy and therefore death.

HOW IS BERNHARD LIKE TWILIGHT, SOMEONE TELL ME. When I read Bernhard, I think, OMG I love this book because it has hot and sexy vampires that can go out during the day and sparkle. NEIN NEIN NEIN.

Thomas Pynchon: American novelist based in New York City and noted for his dense and complex works of fiction. Pynchon is a MacArthur Fellow (my note: GENIUS AWARD PEOPLE) and a recipient of the National Book Award, and is regularly cited as a contender for the Nobel Prize in Literature. Both his fiction and non-fiction writings encompass a vast array of subject matter, styles and themes, including (but not limited to) the fields of history, science, human sexuality, and mathematics. (MATHEMATICS PEOPLE).

HOW IS PYNCHON LIKE DEAN KOONTZ?

Dean Koontz wrote a book called Ticktock. He wrote Demon Seed. There’s also a book called Mr. Murder, which sounds funny but I am sure it’s not supposed to be. (“No sir, that’s MR. Murder to you!”) I’m not knocking this dude. Like, if you want to read the Koontz, do it up! Read it! Watch it when it becomes a movie starring Ben Affleck. But Pynchon and Koontz? You’d think the B&N robot could figure out different genres. Murder mystery thriller versus 500 page books that might possibly make no sense and chock filled with Po-Mo stuffed in a beret.

I don’t really like Pynchon and I don’t really like Koontz. I kind of like Ben Affleck, I guess. But I’ll read Pynchon’s new one. I’ll probably watch Affleck’s new one too.

My coworker was at a garage sale and found an Addams Family calendar maker program for PC. She was like OMFG I’M SO GETTING THIS. It cost like, a quarter or something. Anyway, it is perfect because she loves the Addams Family and I love calendars. No just kidding. I hate calendars. But, I need calendars that I can customize for the jobby job. Listen, it’s not very interesting, just trust me when I say that I was stoked upon seeing this sweet, sweet Addams Family calendar maker. Like, holy shit, right? Right? ADDAMS FAMILY CALENDAR, PEOPLE. The “Wednesday” column will actually be Wednesday Effing Adams. Like, shut up!

But then she opens it and she’s like OMG HEY ANNIE CAN YOU OPEN THIS?

We start laughing. I mean, seriously, this is what you get for spending a quarter on a calendar maker, and not just doing it in Excel or Word or whatever. But, if we did that 1) It would not have cool Addams Family crap all over it and 2) It would require me having to make it, and I have better things to do with my time, like Twittering or trying to figure out what Beck is yelling in the beginning of “Hollywood Freaks” (It could be: hear my nut, he my nun, heed my nut. Or something. Also his real name is Bek Campbell. No shit.). Anyway, I haven’t seen a quarter-inch floppy in like, I dunno, ten years. My first computer had the FULL SIZED ones. Remember that? It was like the size of a fucking sheet of paper and you shoved it in your computer that had like 4 MB. Anyway so then we were kidding around and someone who is younger was like, what is that? And then a little piece of me kind of died. Sigh. Floppy disks people. We need some kind of museum so people don’t forget the past and repeat the mistakes. Anyway, so there’s no Addams Family calendar for me.

But wait? Our IT dude was like, I think…I COULD probably open that. And then we got so excited that I peed in my pants and she peed in my pants too. He’s going to try because he’s a nice guy, but I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I mean it’s going to be sooo 2-bit spectacular. People will write songs about how awesome our calendar and schedules will be. Shut up.

Why is old news called old news and not “olds”? I’m not afraid to ask the tough questions.

Anyway what I mean to say is that I have no new news. Only old news which might be new to some. Just not me.

Today is Saturday. I am eating soy chicken. Mmm…want does it taste like?Well it doesn’t taste like chicken. However if chicken were made out of soy then it’d taste like this. So, there you go.

Anyway I’m sitting near this. It’s a car wash run exclusively by baby pandas and sleeping puppies.