I often ask myself, hey Annie? and I answer yeah, Annie? I’ve been doing some thinking. Oh yeah, what you been thinking about? And then I answer, well I was thinking that I’m not edgy. Then I answer, oh Annie, you are so totally edgy, what are you talking about? And then I guffaw–which is kind of like a scoff and a sneer and a pooh pooh–and I say, dude I’m so not edgy. Look at me, or, uh, you. I am not edgy. I am not wearing drop-crotch pants. Made of leather. And then I’m all, omg wtf hfs, etc. And then I have to break it down for myself.

Point 1:
I have a baritone ukulele. Edgy people have regular ukuleles. Made out of orphans.

Point 2:
I have very low blood pressure so when I stand up I sometimes get really light headed. This makes rock squats really really difficult to pull off when I am at the grocery store.

Point 3:
My fridge reeks of cauliflower. I mean really really reeks. It smells like garbage stuffed inside a rotting carcass.

Point 4:
I love toast.

Point 5:
If I drink any beverage that contains alcohol, I turn bright red and then eventually lean on a surface so I can fall asleep.

Point 6:
I would like to have a Soda Club seltzer maker. It makes seltzer. It is a seltzer maker. SELTZER MAKER. Oh my god, it is like the headgear of home appliances.

Point 7:
See Point 4, above.

Point 8:
See Point 7, above.

Point 9:
My friend Kim taught me how to drive stick shift in the Von’s parking lot one summer, and then I pulled up a street and stalled right in front of a party of 10 year old boys who then proceeded to make fun of me because I kept on stalling. Eventually I got out of the driver’s seat and made Kim drive us home. Later, I was driving stick shift in Europe and wondered why the car handled so poorly and then I was at a border, and the border patrol dude pointed to my parking break, which was on. I must’ve been driving with that thing on for miles.

Point 10:
Cheese kind of gives me gas. And when I mean “kind of” I mean like it totally does.

So after making these points to myself, I agreed with myself that I was not edgy. And in order to make myself edgy I needed a nap. The end.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 6th, 2009 at 5:41 pm and is filed under lessons learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.