Man, I cannot tell you how great it’s been eating things like potato chips and Triscuits. I keep forgetting to eat with the left side of my mouth, so it’s like I’m a chipmunk with this wad of food in one cheek and then it dawns on me that I CAN EAT WITH THE OTHER SIDE HOLY CRAP. Dual-side eating! TWO SIDES. I did not know there were two sides of the mouf. Now I know. I feel like I can eat twice as much as before. TWO! It’s my favorite number. OK, fine, I don’t have a favorite number, but if I did, it’d be two. Glorious two. Now you’re gonna tell me I can walk with oth feet too. Hah, I’ll believe that when I see it, buddy.

My good friend Chris wrecked on his bike over the weekend and broke his collarbone. Now he’s getting surgery to get plates and pins put into his shoulder. He’s gonna set off metal detectors, which is cool only to us because we’re not the ones who have to get strip searched every time we fly. Anyway, I was thinking that I would really like to be half robot. This shoulder of Chris’s is INDESTRUCTIBLE. It is METAL. It probably has some space age alloy crap in it. On a side note: I love the term “space age” because it means absolutely nothing. We’ve been in “the space age” for like 50 years. Space age can mean macrame or plastic or neon vinyl or maybe like that memory foam stuff. Anyway, the point is you can punch or kick Chris in the robotic collarbone and it will not break. NO IT WON’T BREAK. I dare you to try it. Anyway I think I would like some metal parts. I get hurt a lot. This would just be a lot more convenient for me. Convenience is everything.

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