I! Live! In! A! Dump!
Step 1: Wake up very early morning, shivering. In tight ball. Hands in fists. Head under covers, under pillows. Confusion. Where is heat? Yet another mystery. There is no heat. Nope not even a little. There is a lot of hopelessness and pain, however. A never-ending, recycling supply of sadness. Try to sleep. Pull knees to chest, much like an earthquake drill from grade school. Listen for soothing clanging of radiator. There is no clanging. Only the crackling sound of emo tears freezing against the face.
Step 2: Find the will to leave bed, which isn’t particularly warm, but warmer than the rest of the apartment. Turn on hot water for shower. Wait.
Step 3: Wait.
Step 4: Wait.
Step 5: Wait.
Step 6: There is something wrong. Water is not becoming hot. One might consider it “tepid,” but really, let’s be honest here. When performing a shower, there are only two temperatures. “Hot” and “not hot” which is basically “cold”. No one ever says, I can’t wait to take a tepid shower. You can take a hot one or a cold one, but a tepid one satisfies no one unless you enjoy taking a shower in your own urine, because that is how it feels. Anyway, it appears the hot water is not working.
Step 6: Give up. Turn off the faucet. The knob spins and spins, but water does not shut off tightly. The knob is broken. This happens occasionally, every few months. The super has replaced the knob and washers several times but eventually the knob gets stripped. First the hot knob, then the cold knob. Then the hot knob again. In this instance, it is the cold knob. Which wasn’t even turned on, and yet the knob is spinning around like a top. Sigh. The super will yell in some language. It does not sound Russian. Perhaps a cousin to Russian. Mostly it sounds like this: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I FIX LAST TIME BLAH BLAH WHY YOU BREAK BLAH BLAH BLAH. Explain that no, I did not break it. Why would I break a knob? There are better things to break. I do not stand there turning on the knob and then turning off the knob and then turning on the knob and then turning off the knob. Wee! This is fun! No. I do not do this. However, this explanation will be ignored. It will get fixed only temporarily. Then, few months later, it will happen again. It is a cycle. The vicious kind that breaks your heart, almost as bad as it was broken only the day prior with the untimely expiration of the cottage cheese.
Step 7: Go to work. Hair, a little greasy. Hands, very cold. Soul, very sad.
just one thing.
step 8.
GET OUT OF THAT SHIT PLACE NOW!!!!!
p.s. you can rent my apartment if you wish I am moving out
You really must find a new place to live – this is riddikkilus!
Seriously lady, it is time to give up the Soho dream. I think… Brooklyn. Yes. Brooklyn. Think of all the new material you’ll have for ridiculous posts. Maybe you should even come live near me in Williamsburg. Then you can post daily commentary on the dude with the skin tight black jeans paired with the shoes that look like they belong in 1982.
To paraphrase Emily Dickinson: Hope is a Thing that Shivers.
Hellyah! Lets have a Help Annie Move Party! BYO…ice pick?
Oh my gosh…that sounds horrible! Yeah I think it’s time to move.
if u live in UAE, you will never feel cold
i always love the fact that i feel better about my home life after reading about yours.
You could live in the Mission where just last night someone caught another group trying to rob someone. Face value not so bad up until where the victims friends chased after the suspects with a metal pipe. What could have been a small angry mob chased them in front of my building while I was giving play-by-play to the 911 operator as no less than 6 units of SFPD’s finest come down with fists of fury.
efff that place. i swear it seems like they do this every other week to cut costs or something.
they should be paying you to live there.