I have been watching the entire Planet Earth series. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to start watching it. I feel like a total loser. I am just way too late to get into the club and now I am sitting alone on a Saturday night, washing my tights in the sink. Anyway this series was genetically engineered for me. I sit there and watch it on my pathetic laptop, drool flowing out my mouth, and I say out loud HOLY SHIT. Literally, every two seconds, I am saying OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS SO AWESOME ARE YOU GUYS SEEING THIS? And I look over next to me and the chairs are empty because I am by myself. I am sure my neighbor is wanting me to shut my piehole big time. But hey, how about you stop wearing heels in the house and stop listening to Coldplay? Same album, always. The one that sounds like all the other ones.

Anyway my only problem with the series is the writing. They got unbelievable footage but it’s written by a seventh grader who looked up shit on Wikipedia. Part of the problem is that the subject area is very broad, so they mention broad facts that aren’t particularly novel, like 75% of Earth is covered by water! Like yes, dudes, we know. Anyway it could’ve been done so much better. They should’ve asked me to write this whole thing. I would’ve done it for free. FREE LABOR. YES, BBC, FREE. I WOULD EVEN PAY YOU. Call me. I think that will be my next career move. It’s pretty close to what I do for a living, kind of, not really.

So here are my recent favorites.

The plateau pika! Native to Tibet. It’s a relative of the rabbit. Think bunny with small ears. I WANT TO CUDDLE AND NUZZLE IT AND PUT IT IN MY POCKET. They get nice and fat and turn into a loaf of pika. The picture does not do it justice at all.

Here’s the thing that eats the pika, which is also ridiculous.

It’s a Tibetan fox. It has a square head and nice Asiany eyes. It is so dreamy. I can get lost in its eyes forever. Didn’t Eric Carmen right a song about that? I am positive it wants to sit at my feet and keep them warm. It might eat me, but that is the risk I am willing to take. After all, what is life without risks?

I am totally bored of monkeys. So boring. Sorry. People really like monkeys and I did like them, when I was like six and didn’t know better. Ha ha ha, no really. I got bored of them. But then they filmed 150 chimps invading another troop’s territory and then the chimps cannibalized their enemies. Oh yes. Monkeys not so cute now, are they? I don’t mind the cannibalization actually, it is neither here nor there to me, but one of them busted out with a patch of flesh which was basically the face so it got all Silence of the Lambs for a little bit. Sweet. Real life always wins over Sir Anthony Hopkins.

I always root for the predator. Always. They were interviewing this cameraman about how he felt so sad that this shark or seal was going to town on these cute penguins. And I was like listen, penguins entire philosophy is safety in numbers. And while they are cute and blah blah blah I do not like groupthink dynamics. Same with when this tiger was going to town on this mountain goat thing. I’m like dude. There are like six tigers left. Shut up and let her eat. Why must people root for the underdog? As far as I’m concerned if there are only six of you left, you get to eat whatever you want. I kept on going EAT IT EAT IT! GO GET IT! And the narrator was all feeling sad for some gazelle or bison calf. I guess what I mean to say is that I am very verbal when I watch this stuff. Like the way my dad yells at the TV when he’s watching baseball. Yes, I know yelling will not help anything, but guess what? Shut up.

My co-worker just sent me this.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 at 2:05 pm and is filed under nature. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.