This morning, I eat oatmeal. I think there is no possible way my tummy will protest. Oatmeal is chewable water. I get the oatmeal. I eat the oatmeal. It is surprisingly delicious. I think oh yes. This is food. I am enjoying it.

Then the tummy hurts. I am displeased. But I soldier on with my day.

Later I get vegetable sushi. I think well this is rice and cucumbers. It is about as mild as if gets without being oatmeal. I eat it and decide no, no this won’t work at all. I can’t eat it. It does not taste good. My tummy believes it is poison. It says no thanks. Please send this back to the kitchen this won’t do at all. I am hungry and I cannot eat. This is basically my hell. I am usually an eating machine. So when the machine breaks, I am sad. Very sad. I cry emo tears. Emo tears of hunger. I wonder if people will start raising money to feed me. Probably not.

Later a coworker offers me a potato chip. I eat it.

IT IS GLORIOUS.

Salty. Crunchy. Delicious. It becomes clear quickly that I will house her whole bag. So a coworker buys me my a bag. It is my destiny. I eat it. No tummy ache. So salty. So crunchy. It is what I need. I am happy. I have found something that agrees

And then I get a tummy ache. I get ginger ale. I try to hide my emo tears.

It is dinner. I am hungry. There is a large group of people. They want pizza. I say ok. On a normal day, pizza is my death. My kryptonite. I cannot eat it without feeling some form of regret. Cheese is a real ballbreaker of a friend. I get a salad. But the pizza calls to me. It says eat me. I am delicious. I can be yours forever. I try to resist. I eat my salad. It is a salad, not a pizza. So obviously not a pizza. So I eat a small slice.

I have lost this battle. It was a horrible choice I made. Imagine you swallowed a grizzly bear whole. Imagine now the grizzly bear does not like being in your tummy. Now imagine it trying to claw out. It Is like a reverse Little Red Riding Hood.

It will not have a happy ending.

It is however a great way to lose weight.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 12th, 2009 at 12:37 am and is filed under food, not raging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.