I SHALL DESTROY AND BE VICTORIOUS.
So this morning, I come to the office and just like any other day at the office, I open my drawer to get out some papers. Documents, if you will. But what do I find underneath my documents?
MICE SHIT.
SHIT. FROM MICE.
How do I know it’s from mice and not say, a dog? Good point. I’m not sure. I can only ASSUME it’s from mice. I have not SEEN the beasts who have made the shits. It could very well be a dog. It could also be a minotaur. I hear those shit too. But let’s assume it’s mice. Once a co-worker came to the office and smelled something bad and it was a dead mouse. In his office.
MICE POOP IN MY DRAWER.
But wait! What if it’s just ONE mouse? How do you know it’s mice, as in plural of mouse? Hmm, good point. Well, there was a lot of poop. So it’s either one mouse with a very active and enthusiastic lower G.I. or a bunch of mice was slightly less active lower G.I.’s. But still active nonetheless. There was also dried pee.
I threw EVERYTHING out. All my documents. Totally. Fucking. Disgusting. I doused the thing with bleach wipes. I then I washed my hands with the bleach wipes, put hand sanitizer on them, and then washed my hands with soap.
I don’t even keep food in my drawers. I don’t even have food. Karina has my food, remember? So I think, what if they are LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO NEST. Oh my god. I’m getting the hurlies just thinking about this.
MICE! Poop! In! My! Drawers!
My friend Mary P-S tells me that mice do not like spearmint. You get spearmint oil, douse it on some cotton balls, shove it in the drawers, and hope they scamper off to somewhere else. Most likely to the desk next to me. I just purchased some spearmint oil on the tubes. If this shit doesn’t work, I’m lighting the whole place on fire. You think I’m kidding but I’m not. Do I work in an alley? No. I work in an office. A modern office, not some turn of the century Oliver Twist shit, you know what I mean? At least I don’t work above a Wendy’s, but still.
Hopefully the exterminator will come and napalm the building. And the city with it. But this won’t really help my drawers. I SHALL EMERGE THE VICTOR. I am outnumbered, no doubt, but I SHALL BE VICTORIOUS.
In other totally unrelated news, I am writing a movie on “cups, pints, quarts, and gallons” and was researching on the interwebz and googled “what comes in quarts?” Because, I wanted to know (other than milk, juice and paint.) And then I found this.
http://comesinquarts.com
Keep refreshing!!!
You’re going to end up on a beach, sipping a Mai Tai, wearing a shirt exclaiming that you “…Ate The Worm,” and dreaming of the glory days with your Swingline stapler.
HINT: Spearmint oil is flammable (or inflammable, whichever you prefer.)
ha ha ha ….comes in quarts. how long is the movie gonna be…..two pints?
YOU SHALL BE VITORIUS
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/3415338/2/istockphoto_3415338_computer_mouse_trap.jpg
if your office/company is actually paying rent, can’t you complain to the landlord and get some pest control company to come and solve the problem? Actually, the company that you work for should do all these anyways and then charge the landlord
…or is NYC short of pest control companies? hmmm…that’s a business idea…
It’s absolutely terrifying that Ron Jeremy ‘comes in quarts’. I might have just barfed a little in my mouth.
If you guys set up traps, I hope you do the humane ones (as long as there is a proper exterminator to take care of them when they’re full). And your landlord should totally be dealing with that (literal) shit.
Go with the peppermint – they’re allergic to that stuff.
And invest in a pair of rubber gloves, dude. “Don’t attempt anything without the gloves,” says Withnail.
Can’t you call the electronics recycling people to come get your mice?
have you thought about starting a mice circus? it might give you more cash monies.
DO NOT WASTE THIS OPPORTUNITY! Get one of those little traps that captures the wee bastards alive…easy to set up and you can’t get your finger broken, either. Catch ‘em and then let ‘em go in the enemy camp.
Assuming you have an enemy.
Who also has a camp.
Like your slumlord’s mailbox, for example. Or his car. You know, the guy who refused to give you heats for winter?
Revenge shall be sweet, Annie Choi!
VK: Exactly. Just me and my TPS reports on the beach, natch!
Jon: VICTORY IS MINE
Fly: The landlord calls an exterminator who comes but doesn’t really do a good job and as far as I know, doesn’t do stuff along our desks. He just puts out traps. Which dont’ work cuz these are NYC mice. They’ve seenit all.
Erin: Dude. Don’t. Get. Me. Started.
Ms. Biz: I bought both spearmint and peppermint oils. I will BE THE VICTOR AND DESTROY. Also my desk smells like mouthwash. Very pleasant.
Pedro: Hrm. No.
LilGerman: As always, a brilliant idea. I always jsut sign them up for every catalog under the sun. Do I want a free credit report? Do I need viagara? You bet I do! Please send me more informations to this address!