Twilight: A review

So Karina gave me the first Twilight book. Everyone in the office is reading it. And when I mean everyone, I mean all the girls, and when I mean all the girls, I mean all the girls in my department. Which is to say, four of them. So like four people are reading it in my office. That constitutes everyone. Anyway I read the first few pages and I was like holy crap, this is poorly written. Like, it astonished me, possibly offended me. How can something be this bad? I mean it’s grammatically all there, subject, verb, object, etc. But it is all poop. I mean if it said Poop poop poop, poop poop. Poop! it would’ve been better, and possibly make more sense. So after the fourth page I was like, dude, do I really want to finish this? It’s like a thousand pages long and if each page is written like this then this is going to SUCKKKKKKKKK. With extra k’s and everything. Plus these vampires are out during the DAY? Really? They’re not vampires then. They’re just pale people going to high school, big L for LAME and why don’t I just read some VC Andrews at least that has flowers and an attic. And incest. But then I soldiered on.

And then, suddenly, it was 4:30 in the morning.

So what am I saying here? Is it a good book? Not really. Is it totally addictive and outrageously lame and trashy? Yes. Did I love it? Yes. Do I hate myself for it? Oh yes. Do I want to read the rest? Yes? Am I scared about it? Yes. I just realized there are FOUR BOOKS in this goddamn series. FOUR. Each one is like a million pages. Ugh. Now it’s like another relationship I have to maintain in my life. A commitment, if you will. I want to be free. I want to see other books. I want it to be open. But no. Twilight is like your ass is mine, bitch. Don’t you even LOOK At Steven Millhauser or I will beat you and your mother.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say here is that Twilight is like the deep fried appetizer sampler where you get fries, mozzarella sticks, zucchini, and an awesome blossom for like $7.99 with unlimited salad and breadsticks, you know what I mean?

12 comments
  1. steen says: December 22, 20082:54 pm

    “Is it totally addictive and outrageously lame and trashy? Yes. Did I love it? Yes. Do I hate myself for it? Oh yes. Do I want to read the rest? Yes? Am I scared about it? Yes.”

    That’s exactly how I feel about them.

    Except the fourth book. It’s like it took all the suckage you expected in the first three and just hit you with a massive atomic suckage bomb.

    You’ll see.

  2. Dr. Michelle says: December 22, 20083:50 pm

    Annie,
    You described exactly what happened to me. Everyone was recommending it and I didn’t want to read it….I kept thinking, “This is soooo bad,” and then before i knew it I was halfway through book three and speeding to Barnes and Noble to get the last one.

    Thank you for being my partner in shame.

    Michelle

  3. jon says: December 22, 20084:26 pm

    Twilight is #1 on my list of books Not to Read at the moment. Coincidentially it also #1 on my list of NOT to Eat.

  4. Doretta says: December 22, 20086:43 pm

    I read it…and saw the movie. That shit is crack.

  5. Ramon says: December 23, 20085:59 am

    Oh how the mighty have fallen…

  6. Ms. Bizarro says: December 23, 20089:25 am

    I don’t need more crack in my life.

    Your initial reaction to the book is exactly how I felt about “Angels and Demons.” I brought it with me to China when I was there teaching one summer. I left it in a hotel drawer in Wuhan, barely half-read. I couldn’t finish it. Horrible. HOR-RI-BLE. If the writing in Twilight is anything like it, I will stick to my non-fiction essays on surfing, thank you very much.

  7. Jennie says: December 23, 20087:23 pm

    Holy fucking cow, YES! That is what Twilight is all about. The suckage that sucks you in and then you’re going to work with no sleep, but at least you’re not hung over.

  8. Aura says: December 26, 20081:32 am

    oh, Annie, how could you?

  9. Mitch says: December 26, 20082:09 pm

    I LOVE STEVEN MILLHAUSER

    that’s it…

  10. Bianca Reagan says: January 11, 20092:37 am

    I’m feeling you on the grammar thing. Poop. I still haven’t finished the book, and I don’t know when I will.

  11. Karen says: March 22, 20096:33 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for 1.5 hours. I just spit some mojito after reading this post. I am in love.

  12. Angela says: July 8, 20092:13 pm

    a friend sent me the link to your entry after telling her that i read Twilight yesterday (shamelessly, i caved to my sisters’ and friends’ telling me i HAD to read it, after avoiding it for months and months. i only watched the movie b/c most of it was filmed where my husband went to high school. i flat out hated it)

    so, i checked out the book from the library, and while my three kiddos took a long nap after day camp yesterday, i ground thru the first 250 pages. after my hubby and the kids were in bed, i stayed up until 1 am to finish it. the whole time i kept thinking, “why am i reading this utter crap??” some parts were so bad, i had to actually set the book down and grimace a bit, before i could pick it up and continue.

    so, what i’m trying to say, oh my goodness, you echoed my feelings on the book PERFECTLY.

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