SNACK ATTACKED
Listen, I’m very angry right now. I’m not sure how to handle this anger. There’s so much of it. So. Much. Rage.
So I go into Karina’s office because I want snacks. Karina and I have a very special relationship where she buys snacks and I eat them. It’s very sacred, something I hold very dear. She keeps buying snacks and I keep eating them. We’ve been doing this for several years now. Sometimes she is in the office working and I go in, grab my snack, and then leave. I occasionally mutter thanks. Most of the time I demand them. WOMAN SNACKS IN MY BELLY NOW! And she just points to her desk drawers and feeds this monster she calls her friend. Then the next time I come back there are more snacks. We have a very good and special relationship, as I mentioned above.
So this afternoon I go into her snack drawer. The woman keeps two snack drawers. TWO. That is how serious she is about keeping me snacked. She does not fuck around. Karina might take forever to make a decision about where to go to dinner, but when she is at Whole Foods she is in full fledged Wall St. nosedive to the snack aisle. Seriously, get out of her way. FUCKING SNACKS you feel me? So the top drawer has a bag of flaxseed and a box of instant oatmeal. Kashi Oatmeal. Maple and Brown Sugar. That is her “breakfast snacking” drawer. I am unimpressed. The time is almost 3 post meridian, I am not in breakfast snack mode. I am in SNACK SNACK mode. So I open drawer number 2. This is where she keeps the good shit. Last week she had Annie’s Organic Chocolate Graham Bunnies. Holy shit it’s like little chunks of crack cocaine. Heaven in a 100% post consumer waste recycled box. So I am hoping she has more bunnies for me.
I open the drawer and I see a box of Chocolate Brown Rice Krispies Treats (which are good despite the name) and a bag of Soy Crisps, BUT OH MY GOD WAIT THERE ARE HOLES AND LITTLE BITS OF FOOD EVERYWHERE.
Mice.
FUCKING MICE. Attacking my snacks! Thwarting my snacktime! Eating MY snacks that Karina bought FOR ME (her). WTF!!!!! NOOOOO! MY SNACKS! Those fuckers ate it all. They chewed through the box and through the wrappers, leaving a trail of snack behind. I’m so ANGRY at these dumb mammals. Listen, mice, you did not PAY for these snacks. Nor did I but at least I am a human mammal. I work and could conceivable BUY my own snacks, but don’t because I am too lazy. I am also getting “the milk for free” etc. Listen, mice. Do not go near my (her) snacks again or else I will destroy you. I will set out traps and when you are dead I will scream and then have someone else take care of the situation. Because I am human. I have the opportunity to get someone else to handle my situations. Like, for example, my snacking situation.
So long story short, I do not have ANY snacks! No snacks! I’m going to starve, do you understand? Already I am feeling weak.
I also learned an important lesson, which is that mice do not like Kashi instant oatmeal or flaxseed.
One of the best post ever. really impressed.
I am a snak lover too, though I love salty (non-healthy) snacks like doritos. And if someone tries to take my snack I will kill him, and I am serious about it. You can not destroy your, mine, our main source of feeding.
by the way I love your friend, karina, she is a keeper.
Did some one say they were so pissed off the day they discovered new snack supersensation………Mice Krispies?
I ate 3 breakfasts this morning. A banana, a yogurt and then I toaster ovened up a slice of frittata that I made ahead. You know what I hope they invent one day – a device that will keep your banana from getting soft and mushy.
Tell the mice they will be the next snack of choice…
You could leave out some instant potato buds and see if they go for that. The buds expand and explode their stomachs. Kind of cruel. And you have dead exploded mice littering the office. Maybe just hang snacks from the ceiling in a net, like when camping in bear country. Although this may render the snacks unreachable or at least inconvenient.
Pedro: Mice Krispies…brilliant and yet…awful.
Ramon: They are THIEVES they shoudl be punished to the full extent of the LAW.
Bryan: That’s like alka seltzer to seagulls or poprocks to pigeons. Exploding mice is A+. I will have another mammal deal with the clean up situation.
i say KILL them. i HATE mice.
My friends say this works:
http://tinyurl.com/4mjz6w
I can tell you the small outlet versions do not work. I just got one of these, and will let you know. Maybe your friend can put one in her office.
Fly: I am going to beatdown. I’m going to find one, kick the living crap out of it, and then stuff another mouse in its mouth to send a message to all the other mice.
JimBob: I used to have one but I could hear the sound and it made me nuts. Oh yes, I apparently can hear the same frequency as mice and roaches, how nice of me.