Don’t Ever Get Married
My friends Karina and John are getting married this weekend, so I’ll be heading out to the Jersey Shore (pronounced sho-uh) to get drunk, pretend to get shit stuck in my eyes, and refuse to dance to “YMCA”. But I just wanted to say OH DEAR GOOD GOD NEVER EVER EVER GET MARRIED EVER. The amount of work required so that everyone can party is totally insane. I mean get married blah blah, but just, like, do it at Pizza Hut or something. If you do it at Burger King you’ll get a crown, for FREE! None of this eight thousand dollar deposit crap or whatever it is. I don’t even know, I pulled that number out of my ass, but I know Burger King would be cheaper. Anyway, it’ll be fun. There is some kind of beach/water/ocean involved and I believe the couple is getting married underneath a skeleton of a whale. I dunno I’m totally making this shit up. I’m excited! I’m staying at a place that looks like Barbie’s dreamhouse (but in a good way?) and Karina said there will be dolphins. DOLPHINS. In fact she keeps texting me OMG OMG DOLPHINS DOLPHINS. I have not linked her to all the YouTube videos of dolphins trying to sex up people, and vice versa, because I am a classy lady. Anyway I better see a fucking dolphin or I’m totally going to GO OFF. In Canada, I did not see minks or beavers as promised so I’m on high alert for bullshit promises, but I should be used to this since I live in America. But you know what I mean.
Dolphin Versus Beaver; who wins?
There is always cake. If it’s not butter cream frosting - then start wilding.
Note to annie file: Get married at Sea World.
LilG: I always liked beavers because they are adorable and have funny tails and they build stuff better/cooler/prettier than most humans. I always found dolphins smarmy and arrogant for some reason, I have no idea why. They seem like that honor student too eager to please. Also I thought Flipper was a lame show.
Debora: At the last wedding I was at, last week, they took my cake away before I EVEN ATE IT. I was pissed. It was pretty good. Very spongey. Which I like. I HATE frosting/icing. I always give it to the person next to me.
Jon: Dude, DON’T GET MARRIED. Pay attention!
Already hitched. We were smart. Did it on spring break of grad school, so our excuse for not inviting anyone was that we had no money. We got married in a private ceremony by a Buddhist lama - no parents, no ugly dresses - and a couple close friends who were witnesses. Then we honeymooned in a cabin with a giant-ass jacuzzi, fireplace, and 5-star restaurant on the site (in the middle of nowhere Ohio). I made a point of not wasting money or going bat-shit to please other people, as I’ve seen everyone else do.
But anyway, have a good time with the dolphins. I hear they’re not so bad if you try to speak their language (kinda like the French?).
Not getting married is a very easy and happy goal of mine!!!
“Just read the damn header” OK, got it. Note to jon file: Don’t Get Married….Shack up with adorable beavers with funny tails instead.
Before we leave this topic….Just drunk enuf to dance conversation overhead at Karina and John’s wedding. “I’ll show you my dolphin if you show me your beaver.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeoi16lScf4
THIS is the only reason I would ever get married. I want to be, like, best friends with these people.
i prefer this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XClUAPwE4Z0
but i agree with Annie. Don’t get married.
OKAY, I CAN’T HELP IT I WANT TO GET MARRIED…and I feel like (even though this has nothing to do with the Annie blog,) that so many people do those “suprise dances” that I want to do the most boring, long-ass, goopy romantic dance EVER just to be a loser. Maybe to “A Whole New World?”- we all know how you like THAT song, Annie. I’ll invite you just so you can get your fix. Hahaha.
Okay, i may wanna get married a little just to do one of those dances, but do u think 10 minutes is too short for an annulment?
@Ramon: you can just put on your wedding suit, get someone to put on a wedding dress and hold a wedding reception. I’m sure Annie won’t mind participating as the bride.
@FLY: Ok, you get Annie on board, and i’ll make sure you catch the bouquet! My faux-wedding reception will be the bombest faux-wedding reception in New York! Open bar and indie bands all night!!!! I need a suit that makes me look like Stephen Colbert, then she may go for it…
we shall wait for Annie’s reply. I would fly to NYC to witness this. LoL. If Annie is not up for this, I can volunteer. LoL.
i’ll take the French Riviera
I’ve read the exchanges above and I respectfully decline all proposals, weddings, be them faux or real or only ‘just kidding ha ha’. NO NEVER. NOT EVEN A FAKE ONE. Too much work!
Man, faux-scorn hurts just as bad as real scorn…well maybe not quite as bad. Oh and Annie: It was only the reception, not the wedding! Sheesh, way to get ahead of yourself