From the Guesthouse: In Which I Get Violated and End Up with a Mammary Harness
Last week, I was in Richmond, where everything is Asian. The idea was to go to karaoke, but on the way there we stopped for egg balls (which I think of as egg waffles, but sure, I guess they’re egg balls) and then walked past a lingerie shop.
I’ve been on the lookout for a slip, because I have two white dresses that are really sheer. Like, check out the moles on my chest sheer. This might work for some chicks, but not for me. I like to keep my ladyparts covered up when I’m out in public places.
There were no slips. Instead, the store was all about the push-up bra. Hundreds and hundreds of extremely ugly push-up bras that one associates with one’s grandmother.
I think I wasn’t quite awake or something, because suddenly, I found myself swarmed by the salesladies. One saleslady asked me if it was OK to measure for my size. I said yes, thinking that she was going to pull a measuring tape from her pocket.
I WAS WRONG. She felt me up. Then sent me to a dressing room.
The miraculous thing is that she brought me the perfect fitting bra. She must have magic hands. She should patent her hands, because they are better than any tape measure on the market. After I strapped myself into a massive ugly peach lace bra, she taught me a Judy Blume-like “I must I must increase my bust” kind of exercise and tried to sell me a shoulder harness to move my back fats forward to my chest. The idea is back fats=boobs.
Asians are totes excellent at math, right? Back fats=boobs is the best equation ever. So is B cup=D cup. I might go back to school and major in bra architecture.
I don’t know about you folks, but my grandmother never wore a push-up bra…..just the thought of it makes me want to march right to therapy.
Haha, these bras don’t look like the push-up bras in Victoria’s Secret. They look like some throwback to a time when women were in girdles.
do they make your boobs into pointy cones like 1950’s bras?
Hell Ya! Suburban VC lingerie salesladies demonstrate sure way to get to second base is more about “can I measure you with my magic hands”, than buying drinks, dinner and dancing.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..
OH- this SO made my Wednesday night.
Really.
Aura: My boobs don’t look like pointy cones in this bra. My boobs are now the artist formerly known as back fat.
Jon: Try that line the next time you’re out with a lady friend and want to reach second base. Please report back with your results. I have a feeling that your hands are not patented. Besides, your goal is to get the bra OFF, not to make a magical auntie bra go ON.
Melissa: I’d laugh with you, but the bra makes it kind of hard to breathe, much less laugh.
I think I may be a bra saleslady in my spare time…
Why don’t they have such conscientious, thorough, and magical sales ladies in the men’s underwear department at JC Penney? Life’s not fair.
@jimbob: They do, but what makes matters worse is that they’re men. Unless you’re into that…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Backfat=boobs. Sounds like the female version of a comb over
Ramon: A sex change to sell bras? Doesn’t sound like a fun hobby to me.
JimBob: The problem is that you’re going to JC Penny. You need a magical boutique.
Bryan: If the comb over produced new hair growth than it would be like backfat=boobs. Because backfat=boobs is a permanent solution (for reals! haha). The Donald only wishes that the comb over was as effective as this.
there are good people on this planet. some are artists in converting backfat into D-cups, some are considering becoming bra architects themselves, many do good work.
http://www.artknowledgenews.com/files2007a/VitoAcconciAdjustableWallBr.jpg
surely you mean “brarchitecture” and “brarchitects”…? never miss an opportunity for a new portmanteau!
jon, that is a major example of porly’s new school of brarchitecture.
Leave it to architects to be able to make something as awesome and exciting as boobs COMPLETELY BORING. Sweet fucking Thundercats. What is wrong with you people?
you’re too funny. sorry - been too busy these days to read your blogs.
I wonder if she was registered with the Feeler Union.