Canucks!
I am going to Canada on Saturday and will be gone for a bit. There will be trees. Some kind of lake. Many insects. There are talks about “canoeing” and “water skiing” and “going hiking” and “spending time outdoors.” I don’t know about any of that crap. I am more of a “sleeping” and “reading” and “eating” and “spending time indoors where there are no insects and dude is there wireless up there because it is the color of my needs” kind of person. However, I am looking forward to leaving the city. I am told there will be stars. I was like, stars? What’s that? Is that something I can roll into a fatty and smoke? No? Well then I am not interested. I AM NOT INTERESTED, NO SHUT UP. Also, I am told there will be no burritos. This is already the worst vacation ever. I will report more. Maybe I won’t report at all. I’ll be in Canada, I don’t think they have internet.
So instead of leaving Annietown a ghosttown while I am gone, if even just for a short while, Doretta will be GUEST BLOGGING. As many of you know, she is the Canadian Prime Minister of Annietown so it is only fitting that she blogs while I visit her country that has no internet. I don’t know how she’s going to fucking blog here considering Canada has no internet, but she’s smart. I trust her to figure it out. It will be nice to read my blog and not read stuff by me. Because quite frankly, being me is really difficult and sometimes I need a vacation from myself.
I have laid out careful rules for Doretta, which I shall share with you.
1. Do not mess with the site, or I will punch you in the neck.
2. Keep it “in the pants.”
3. You must have one post about Rain, the Justin Timberlake of Korea.
I feel that those rules are fair and just. Now, dear reader, Annietown is a democracy and there is a complicated system of checks and balances. This means that if Doretta violates any of the three rules, then you can impeach her. You do this by calling her horrible, awful names and punching her in the neck (see Rule 1). I will take back her Prime Minister sash. Yes, at Annietown the prime ministers wear sashes. Because it’s festive.
Punches in the neck? You really know how to motivate a girl.
@Doretta: Don’t worry, Rain will make it all better!
Doretta: annie’s parting instructions remind me of something Mrs. Finch my 4th grade teacher said to class before taking some “personal time”. I hope Annietowners will be kinder to you than we were to the substitute teacher.
Ps: i’m starting a list of my own list (and will post when ready) of why annie’s really leaving town…..going to Canada to see trees – yeah right annie!
Sixteen for-realzz reasons Annie is leaving town…..
1. Just felt like visiting another planet.
2. Federal Agents are only 1 search warrant shy of closing down humor piracy blog Annietown anyway. Saw no reason to be present for the ultimate funny bit.
3. To face her deepest fears and inner demons dressed in mosquitoe costumes.
4. Kidnapped by Tony Soprano’s dog.
5. Trouble, Right Here in River City!
6. Make good on offer to help Michael Phelps smuggle gold medals back to States duty free.
7. Practice her wheelhouse kicks at a lake, with trees, for an audience of insects.
8. Spilled liquid on keyboard again. Wasn’t prepared to face the dude at Apple Genius Bar without a serious Canadian Whiskey buzz.
9. Determined to try to start a major demographic shift.
10. Reduce her proximity to urine-soaked improv theater on streets of NYC.
11. To practice her skillz in the art of the international language of hi.
12. Heard rumor that Canadian Marsupials are cuter than crap.
13. Reporting for active duty at “Molston Golden Boot Camp”.
14. Did not have the balls to go thru with the $12 Lasik surgery after all.
15. Unable to convince US authorities that she wasn’t attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor updates.
16. As our ambassador of all things Awesome and Robust……have a great trip Annie!
17. Mounties make her hot.
(Sorry Annie, remember when I promised I would never tell anyone? I lied.)
Hey Doretta! Here’s some advice: Don’t fuck this up.
Doretta: BE A WINNER.
Jon: If you misbehave, I will give you more homework.
Jon: Hahaha NICE. A+ comment! You get extra credit.
Aura: Shhhh THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET. God how I loathe you.
I want a sash
neat !!!!!
would you be in Toronto and have some time to meet your fans? .. ….distinct possibility.. ANY possibility ?
FlatGreg: Ok, I’ll see what I can do. I mean really the only way to get one is to run for office in Annietown and be elected.
Zeies: Sadly I will not be in Toronto. I will be somewhere OUTSIDE of Toronto though, although I am not sure. I already forgot the name. SOme lake somewhere. Above MIchigan. Doretta, the Canuck, said something like “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GO THERE?” and I really had no answer to that. So it’s somewhere way outside of Toronto.
I heart Rain.
If you drive/bus/fly through/over the hinterlands of Upstate NY on your way to Canucktown, wave! If I see you, I’ll wave back!
Bring your DEET! I hear those Canadian mosquitoes are CRAZY drunk on Molson and shit.