I have returned.
I got in late last night, special thanks to Roz and Chris for picking me up in beautiful Newark Liberty International Airport. On a side note, I love that Jersey tries to sneak in “liberty” wherever they can. Liberty! As in Statue of Liberty! Liberty Deli! Liberty Cafe! Like, dude, Statue of Liberty is ours! Technically Statue of Liberty doesn’t belong to either New York or New Jersey. But it’s in the New York Harbor so maybe Jersey gets annoyed that people associate it with New York and they get nothing but Atlantic City and, uh, Newark airport and the turnpike. Aw, Jersey.
Anyway on the flight back I was sitting behind this woman with three kids, in one row. So a baby was on her lap. One of the kids, maybe five, had a bottle of soda. And was shaking it. So the mom says, hey, don’t open that because it’ll get everywhere. What does the kid do?
He opens it.
Soda goes everywhere. I’m a sticky mess for four hours and it’s all over my computer and somehow soda gets inside my purse. Like I dunno how that managed to happen. I was like, filled with rage. First of all, why are you giving your KID SODA. It’s horrible for adults, even worse for children. And there’s nothing like getting a kid hopped up on sugar hooch on a four-hour flight. Yes that will make the flight totally awesome for you, for your kid, and for everyone on the plane. Second of all, if you see your kid shaking a bottle of soda, don’t you think you should, maybe, take it away from him? I mean she warned him so she did foresee at least something happening, right? Also, the kid was totally bored out of his mind. I mean it’s hard for adults to sit through a flight, but kids need like books and crayons and card games and all this stuff to keep them busy and have some fun. Clearly the kid was bored and was acting out, punching the seat in front of him and pushing every button. I mean the mom was trying and obviously had her hands full, so I felt sorry for her but the kid needed like stimulation. You cannot tell a kid to sit quietly for four hours. You can’t even tell me to do that. Ugh. Anyway it was an awful flight. The guy behind me was really into talking about how he was a magician and grew up in carnie sideshows. He had a handlebar moustache and smelled like sweaty pee. He had a little Barbie doll arm in his pocket and kept on holding it up and asking if people needed “a hand.” Which was funny, like, once. Anyway maybe I was grouchy but actually even if I was in the best mood ever I think I would’ve felt the same.
Also, another sidenote, a week ago I was going to yoga and hanging out in front of the building with a friend. And we are looking at the cutest dog ever, and then this other cute dog comes by with its owner and the dogs are playing around. Cuteness explosion. We are staring at the dogs and I look up at the owners and I realize one is Tony Soprano, i.e. James Gandalfini. And then the other dog mounts his dog and I’m like dude! OMG! Tony’s dog’s getting action in the back section! And then the owner of the other dog looks up and finally it dawns on her it’s Tony Soprano and she does this double-take and lunges for her dog and shoos him off. Pretty funny exchange I have to say. She apologizes and Gandalfini is like whatever. SO then, of course, as she’s walking away she busts out with her phone and starts texting furiously. Her dog just tried to get mad play with Tony Soprano’s dog. Dog’s gonna get whacked. A+
This one time, we were at Tease-O-Rama in L.A. and we saw that kid from Malcolm in the Middle; you know, Malcolm hisself, and he was at the table next to us sitting with his blonde gf and he seemed nice and all, but it was weird to see him, ’cause he’s like, thirty-five or something, not twelve, and they left after a while. The next morning we were walking to the diner for b-fast and there was this EXTREMELY cute puppy standing there and my girlfriend had to rush over and start showing it the kind of attention that EXTREMELY cute puppies deserve and then she looked up to ask “what is his name?” and at the other end of the leash was Malcolm’s blonde girlfriend. She was like, “Pookums” or something. But the funny part was that behind her, Malcolm was mightily struggling to lift their giant suitcases in the trunk of their car; they were MASSIVE and he was TEENSY.
It was funny, indeed.
One other time at Tease-o-Rama we had John de Lancie take our picture.
I guess the message here is that Tease-O-Rama is good times.
…who’s got the gobbledegook?
Seriously, how does this stuff always happen to you?
Dude, that flight blows and I am sorry. HOWEVER, be happy that you are a tiny person – imagine that same flight except if you were enormous and crammed into a tiny seat like a gorilla in a tunafish can. That’s how it’s like every time I fly… Or really every time I enter any kind of vehicle. It sucks.
Also, I’m from the Midwest, so I’d appreciate it if you used the correct term, “pop”. Thanks.
LilGerman: Word to that. Tease-O-Rama is the place to find mid-level actors. I once saw Harvey Keitel and his daughter at some restaurant in Tribeca. She was wearing fur. LIke bad, bad, bad fur. Like cut in diagonal strips I did not understand it enough to throw paint on it.
Ramon: I dunno?
Stephanie: NO idea, but here is what happened today: I went to go see my doctor because I’ve been sick for 2 weeks (on top of the grandma crap) and they told me my appointment was actually for yesterday, which was physically impossible considering that I made the appointment yesterday practically after the time I was supposed to be there. Ugh. So long story short, no doctor’s appt.
Aaron: Maybe you shoudl lose some weight, just saying.
Annie, you crack me up with the humor and all, which I enjoy, so thank you on a Friday…and are you going to Bimbo’s next month? If so, I guess we’ll recognize you as the stalking girl with the can of blood red paint masquerading as a too-kewl-kustom purse…shake it, babies!!!
Parents like that enrage me. I have no sympathy for ANYONE with that many kids (there’s this thing called birth control) who has little to no parenting skills in a crisis situation. Like, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT WOULD HAPPEN? As you so adroitly pointed out, the kid is bored out of his mind. This is the parent’s responsibility to anticipate and provide for. To LET the kid HAVE a can of soda and then SHAKE IT UP on a crowded plane is pure idiocy. No sympathy here, except for you and anyone else who got sticky.
Clearly, I don’t have kids of my own, so my observations on parenting must be taken with a grain of salt.
On the other hand, children who are allowed to act out annoy the piss out of other human beings and animal, and there’s gotta be something to that.
I mispelled “gobblegoo” but check out what I’m talking about:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaGp0NJ96cU
Ms. Biz: Seriously. Like take control, it is ok. No one wants to see the kid go apeshit. LIke give him a goddamn pencil and paper. BORROW one good gravy. I would’ve given him something had I had anything. SIgh.
Ramon: I am having technical problems w/ the youtube (i.e. my connection is cutting out and being slow). I hate hate hate time warner cable.
Annie: It’s what the sopranos would look like if they played it on PAX tv, a public access channel. Severely edited for content. The whole show is from 9-9:03. It’s amazing. I hate your time warner cable too.