My band Last Known Settlers just launched a website. You can find it here. You can enjoy our tunes via Muxtape here. I threw all of it together in like an hour, not so bad, right? This is why I love the internets. It makes it easy to make more internets so it’s like continuously exploding all over itself. Very messy. Anyway we’ll be playing a show on Saturday night – 8pm at the Delancey (Delancey btwn Clinton and Attorney). Some come out if you are around. If not, just know you’ll be missing the GREATEST NIGHT ROCK AND ROLL HAS EVER SEEN. Jk jk jk It’ll be like the second greatest night. The first greatest night was when the Hoff sang on top of the Berlin Wall.

Also writer’s block. I kind of have it. It is problematic. I’m not sure if I have to relax or if I have to like get angry. Sometimes I write better when I’m filled with rage. No idea, it’s just like that. So quick, someone, make me angry. HURRY!

My loud Australian neighbor who talked on the phone (loudly) on the fire escape and talked about her Man Trouble (loudly) moved out! I just looked out my window and noticed her unit is empty. Success! Also, she was in big, big need of curtains. I don’t know if she didn’t realize or didn’t care that everyone on my side of the building could see her naked, but you know, not in a good way. Also, she is kind of a slob, but no judgment here. She is gone! I hope that my new neighbor does not suck it. I am kind of surrounded by sucking neighbors so one less is an improvement.

I am in a bit of a quandary. JoMo’s co-worker is moving out of his apartment and there is a chance I can take it. It’s pretty much the same size as mine, if maybe, a little bigger and more like a narrow rectangle as opposed to mine which is shaped like the state of Utah. It’s cheaper, which is good, but I wasn’t necessarily looking to move into a CHEAPER place, just a bigger/better place. The apartment is on 1st St and 2nd Ave which isn’t a bad neighborhood but I feel that I’m a little too old to be living in the East Village. There’s a lot of kids screaming like OH MY GOD BEEER YEAAAAH or CHICKS! YEAH! WOO HOO! At least my neighborhood now is quiet and empty at night. I’m not sure what to do. I hate this apartment but it looks like I’d be moving to another apartment that I’d hate too, it’d just be cheaper. Bleah. I mean I like my neighborhood better, I like living next to good friends, and being a few blocks from the Hudson, but you know, it’s a shoebox.

Hello.

Annietown was down. I don’t know why.

But now it’s up.

I’m not sure what happened but it could be that my domain expired. It could also be that the server that hosts Annietown reset or went down for maintenance or maybe a new server was put in or maybe trolls got in there and did some damage, which happens more often than you think. Goddamn trolls, they are worse than the roaches. But as the saying goes, you pay for what you get. In other words, I don’t pay anything. My pal Ravi hosts Annietown out of the kindness of his own heart and this is not what he does for a living. He has another living he has to do before he can make sure my living is in fact living and living well. So, what I’m trying to say is that shit happens all the time, so I apologize, but it looks like I am back. Hello!

You know I had all these grand plans for Annietown. The banner up there was done in Flash and upon roll over everything caught on fire. Like EVERYTHING. Which I thought was totally sweet. I kept on telling Mika, who drew all the cute animals, I WANT MORE FIRE. MORE MORE FIRE. EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ON FIRE. And she was like, you’re being ridiculous, it’ll look stupid, and I was like SHUT UP, I SAID MORE GODDAMN FIRE! There were also these cute little icons that were supposed to pop up whenever you rolled over the links over there <———-. But you know what? All that stuff is not up. Because I am lazy. And also because I don’t know how to do that stuff and must rely on Nathan to help me out but he too has another living he does before he can make my living totally awesome. So the whole point of this is that Annietown is alive. It needs a renovation. I would like a bigger kitchen, which would go really well with a bigger apartment. But hey, listen, I’m not complaining. I’ve got my health, friends, family, and air conditioning.

Air conditioners are back in working order. Now I am freezing. If I had balls they’d be frozen off right now.

My “little friend” in the Tupperware was “dealt with.” Now every single time I go to the bathroom I peep my head in the bathtub just to make sure I have not made more friends. Investment in compressed air, hairspray and a lighter, or plain old Raid is being considered.

I want potato chips.

And Fig Newtons are still delicious.

I’m pleased to report that the air conditioners in our office are not functioning. I’m very pleased. I am doing my happy dance. That’s the dance where I do the robot, go into the Cabbage Patch, and then hold up one finger. It’s the one between my index and ring fingers, in case you are wondering.

High of 97 degrees. That’s in Fahrenheit. For all you Celsius people, that’s 36 degrees.

I have trapped a cockroach in my bathtub underneath a Tupperware container. It is ready if you want to take it “to go” or for “take away.” It will stay fresh. You can have leftovers tomorrow.

I spent Friday night at the Apple Store trying to get my keyboard fixed. My Apple Care expired about two weeks ago, so, of course, nothing was covered. Luckily it was just the keyboard that had the issue and not anything else. So somehow my computer was spared from actual water damage to the hard drive. I don’t think i could’ve survived another hard drive failure. Anyway the replacement keyboard cost only $40. I’m like sweet, I can totally pay that. I am very happy and pleased even though the genius helping me is kind of smug. They are always smug. You know those PC vs Apple commercials? The PC guy is John Hodgman and the Apple guy is some snarky know-it-all hipster douchebucket? Well I happen to like the PC guy way better. John Hodgman is the shit. I’d buy a PC if they didn’t suck more than Macs.

So anyway the keyboard was only $40 which might be the cheapest thing Apple actually makes. Like even the iPod cozies are more expensive. But then the labor charges…were $85. DUDE!!!!! $85! I was like, why can’t I just BUY the keyboard from you and install it myself for $0. I mean seriously you do not have to be an APPLE GENIUS wearing a shirt that says “Not all superheroes wear capes” (that is actually what they wear by the way) to install a stupid keyboard. You literally take it off, and then plug the new one in. But they don’t do that. You can’t just buy the part and walk away. No. They want to do it themselves because they are “geniuses.” I’m like listen, an idiot can do this. An idiot like me. I don’t think I should pay anyone $85 for something a monkey could do. I mean I could even get a monkey to do it FOR FREE and in five minutes or less. The genius says they run “tests” to make sure it’s working properly. I’m like, what tests could you possibly run on a keyboard? Yo mean like TYPING? Gasp! And maybe opening up a document and typing? Oh that is really advanced genius-level crap. Please let me pay you $100 for all your trouble and your genius skills. So then with the powers of my CHARMS they agreed to not charge for the labor only because my Apple Care had expired two weeks before. Oh how gracious of them.

But then it took them THREE HOURS. I got there at 7:30 and they were closed by the time they finished it. Ugh. I’m like JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN PART I WILL DO IT.

So I have a new keyboard. I am never drinking water again.

You know how earlier today I posted about how I spilled water on my computer but MIRACULOUSLY things were ok?

Well. They’re not.

The keyboard is totally messed up, as is the touch pad I think. The bottom keys don’t work at all (I’m using an external keyboard right now). So now I have to go to the APPLE STORE and get a new keyboard. But that means I have to schedule an appointment with a “genius” because I think I still have Apple Care on this assbag but I’m not sure. I really really hate Macs. But I also really really hate PCs. People hear me whine about this all the time. If you can get SIXTEEN kinds of sugar from the store and all of it comes from the same stupid plant, why can’t we have 16 options for computers? Anyway this isn’t nearly as bad as the HARD DRIVE failure from a few months ago. I am backing up now. I suggest you all do the same.

So there you go. Sadness everywhere. It surrounds me. I should never ever drink water again.

In other news, RT, an old classmate who now lives in Minneapolis, is a very crafty kind of lady, in addition to being a kick-ass writer. I believe when I first met her I thought to myself, Oh my god she is totally student class president. Not the popular annoying one, but the ambitious one that wants to change things for the better and you are like oh man you are making us look bad please go away. But the she did go away, to stupid Minneapolis. God I hate her.

Anyway, as I was saying, the lady is crafty, which means she makes things with her hands. Like things involving needles and I don’t mean like shooting up or anything. She has created a bag NAMED AFTER ME! Sweet! I am going to buy it because it’s literally my bag. But for those girls who like a good tote, this is it.

Someone has imprightened me yet again. This time it’s a statistics professor and his ragtag class of ne’er-do-well students who will do anything to not learn about statistics. I don’t blame them. I find statistics is a lot easier if you make up the statistics. Takes a lot of the math out. Anyway they have used a Homie to create a Homie horror movie! WTF don’t you have papers to grade? Keggers to crash? Bongloads to hit? It’s the best Homie horror movie you and I have ever seen. Kudos, friends, kudos.

You can watch it here. You need a Flash player. If you don’t have that already there’s nothing I can do to help you.

The only thing you need to know is that “faen” means “Satan” in Norwegian. It’s used like “daaammmnnn.” I have Norwegian friends who like to teach me Norwegian because, as they say, “it’s the most useful language in the world.” I just like it becau

CRAP!

I INTERRUPT THIS POST TO BRING YOU ANOTHER POST

OK, anyone who has ever worked with me or lived with me or dined with me, know that I spill water every goddamn day. Like if there is a cup or glass or bottle of water, it will be spilled. It will get everywhere and on my lap and it will look like I had just peed my pants which, as you know, is a great way to get with the hotties. I don’t do it with anything else, just water. So anyway as I was writing this post, I moved my hand to get my coffee mug and then knocked over a full glass of water, and then it went everywhere, all over my computer, all over the desk, all over my lap, and all over the CAT which was on my lap. So then the cat hissed and got those crazyeyes and attacked me because it’s a crazy beast and then I flipped out because I thought my computer was going to die. I am cat sitting this week at Aura’s and you should know that Aura just RUINED her computer a few weeks ago because her beast knocked over a gigantic bottle of water onto her computer and she called me on the verge of tears because she is writing her thesis. Damn you water! Why must you be so wet!

Anyway this all literally just happened as I was writing this and as you can see my computer is fine and the cat is very wet and hiding somewhere. I was really stressed out for ten minutes there. Bleah. I need a sippy cup. But it looks stupid if you drink whiskey out of a sippy cup.

I eat an egg and I think. Hmm, this is tasty, this egg business. I like it.

Then sometimes I think about where eggs come from and I get really grossed out. Like chickens do their business out of one hole, the cloaca. So do I really want to eat this thing? A lot of business was done there. Big business. Like an entire industry of sorts.

This is what I’m thinking about as I have just come home from getting a drink with Marco and Lizzie. Eggs. Did we talk about eggs? No. Did we eat eggs? No. I just thought about it. Because I’m kind of hungry I guess. I mean I could eat an egg but I don’t like where’ve they been. But tomorrow I may feel differently. Hard to say. I will keep you posted because I know it’s very important to you, this egg status. I should have a little indicator on the site somewhere. EGGS YAY! or EGGS: COVERED WITH INDUSTRY.