My tongue is itchy.
I just had some pineapple and my tongue is very itchy. I want to scratch that crap out of it. It would really suck to get gonorrhea of the mouth from a pineapple. Oh god, it kind of burns too. I am told it will go away. It has not gone away. I should cut my tongue out, just like in Oldboy and like Dead or Alive or whatever that movie was. Anyway if I cut my tongue out, people would cheer, they’d be like, finally, she shut the hell up! We are winners! But then people forget that I write for a living. I’ll never shut up. Joke is on YOU! Ha ha ha!
Tonight the office is having a “pool party” and at first I was like dude, it’s raining and freezing out. And then I read the fine print and it’s pool as in billiards. Which is a lot warmer. However, I suck HORRIBLY at pool. I mean say what you will about bowling and my Granny Tortoise Style, which I should actually trademark so others do not bite my sweet technique, but I cannot apply GTS to billiards. I’ve thought it through and it just seems totally impossible. Part of the problem is that since I am on the short side of human, my arms are also on the short side. I need arm extensions. Maybe I can get one with hooks because I’ve kind of always wanted that. HOOKS dude! Hooks! You guys remember Police Academy? She was the officer who was really soft spoken and then at the end she’d go FREEZE DIRTBAG! And then everyone would laugh oh that Hooks, what a card. I think she did it at the end of each of those stupid movies. I think there were probably like a hundred Police Academy movies. Anyway I loved the Police Academies when I was little, but let me tell you, I had horrible taste in movies when I was little. Good god they are so bad, I was an idiot when I was nine.
Hey Annie. This post bears no relationship to this thread unless you count “FREEZE DIRTBAG”.
Further to my uncle who patted my wife on the bum! I popped in to visit my Mum and Dad and who should be there but The uncle and his wife. They FROZE like frozen dirtbags you might find in central park in winter.
I could tell that he had lied to his wife about the contents of my email because she was glaring at me like a row of Welsh sheep and he just sat there completely gob smacked and put his hand over his mouth. His eyes were silently screaming “Please don’t raise the topic, Oh my god, please don’t raise the topic”.
I soooo wanted to say “Cat got your tongue?”
I have only been in such very rare situations when I know that he knows and she doesn’t know and I know he definately doesn’t want her to know and what she knows is definately not what I know and OH WHAT JOY IT WOULD BE, if I was a bastard and let her know.
But I didn’t as I was in my folks house (bummer). I just smiled as I left and said “go well”
She glared and choked out “goodbye” and he just sat there hand over his meally mouth looking fit to faint. Not one little tincy squeak.
Just thought you and your pals might enjoy the frission. I certainly did.
Funny, that is the first situation I thought of when I read ” freeze dirtbag.” small world.
Ah…pool…who even has the patience to play that game? I suck at pool. My brother is quite good. But then, he used to practice. And I hate the noise that it makes too.
And I’m sorry about your tongue…gonorrhea would suck if it was in your mouth. That pineapple was a whore.
Having gonorrhea of the mouth would suck, but
gonorrhea of the mouth might be worth it, just sayin’…
“getting” I tried to be cool and write getting gonorrhea in italics but it didn’t show up. My kung fu is weak, and I am a dick. Doh!
How funny. I just finished my pineapple before getting online to check this blog. I don’t have itchy tongue tho’. That’s coz I sprinkled a bit of salt on my pineapple. However, if you are a true asian, you would eat your pineapple with soy sauce!!! Didn’t your parents ever taught you to do that to avoid itchy tongue? … and don’t eat the core of course
Simon: Hahaha dude you exerted some serious control there, I am impressed. I would’ve gone crazy with it.
Ramon: I feel like Hooks owns the copyright to that now and no one is allowed to use it.
Maddie: Yeah I don’t know where that pineapple had been but I need to get tested.
Ramon: Your kung fu sucks almost as bad as your cabbage patch.
Fly: We didn’t do soy sauce. I like it with salt and cayenne pepper which I guess is the Mexican way.