Do Not Bother Trying to be Healthy
I was house-and-cat-sitting on the Upper East Side again, this time for the Siben-Manning-Davies family. I realize that is what I do for a living now. I just go to people’s apartments and pick up poop and marvel at how all of that can come out of something so small. A total mystery. Anyway, the S-M-D family has a cat named Bailey who is the most non-cat cat I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean that it’s like a dog, it’s just not very cat-like. Like if you try to chase it, it immediately rolls over on its side. WTF? What cat does that? It’s docile and passive and I am used to Aura’s cat which will fill a tube sock full of rocks and smack you in the balls when you aren’t looking. And if you DON’T have balls, it would find the nearest set and smack them just to send a message. Kind of like how you have to beat someone up in prison right when you get there. This is why everyone who visits Aura’s cat has to wear a protective cup. Anyway this is not the point.
I decided to be healthy and take advantage of Central Park while I was house-sitting. Their apartment is a block away from the park. I figured, OK, Annie, time to jazzercise and run even though nothing is chasing me. Just run willingly in the name of health. So I did it.
It sucked.
First of all, every single plant in Central Park was blooming. Do you know about this? Apparently in the spring, all these stupid green things decide to do stupid things like grow and release anthrax into the air and this causes my face to blow up and my eyes to start watering and my nose to start running and it is like I’m taking a shower in my own snot (in Korean “snot” is translated directly to “nose water” which sounds a lot nicer than it actually is). So I run around for a bit, crying my eyes out, and then I run into a SWARM OF GNATS. Do you know about this? They swarm in like large patches and then ultimately I run through it because I don’t run with my glasses on. Then they decide to swarm around me for the rest of my run. And then when I opened my mouth about half of them went down the hatch and I ended up swallowing it. So my guess is that I ate 20% of all the gnats in Central Park. Good news is that I’m not hungry.
Now, if you excuse me, my entire office is going to go bowling.
When I have a rock band, it will be called SWARM OF GNATS.
You’re invited to our first concert.
That’s about the most awful description of exercising I think i’ve ever heard! Somehow you have successfully made both springtime and a park into terrible terrible things! If you didn’t benefit from the superior genetics of a Korean girl, I bet you’d be out there a hell of a lot more, with all of the beer, pastries, sitting, and what not. Oh and gnats, lots o’ fiber. MMM…fiber.
Funny, I went running yesterday too. We are the same person. People aren’t just being idiots when they confuse us.
P.S. My cousin C is about to visit tomorrow. I have to bug her and see if she read your book (I sent it to her, but she hates reading).
i fucking love you man. and i wrote that as if we were, like, stoned at a Dead concert together, because it sounded funny, but i meant it, for tons of reasons, but now because you’ve given me a great excuse to use next time i don’t want to run in the park. nature is lame. so is bailey.
jazzercising is the work of the devil.
Doretta, I hate reading too but I read Annie’s book
I was at Central Park a week or so ago. Yes, many ppl running around and swallowing gnats.