Sometimes people’s insanity both impresses and frightens me. It imprightens me. I am sure there is actually a REAL word for this feeling, but it’s a lot easier for me to make up a new word because that is what I do for a living. I am a wordsmith. I also make internets.

Anyway, recently an architecture student named Jason imprightened the crap out of me when he sent me a proposal and a plan for my very own one-bedroom apartment, complete with coffee bar, burrito-making station, and hedgehog habitat. (Hedgehog not included.)

Seriously. Jason. WHAT THE FUCK? You either have TOO much time on your hands, or you have very little time and you are extremely bad at managing it. You will obviously make a very good architect. All you need is the right eyewear. Maybe a stupid red scarf. If I ever meet anyone in need of a burrito-making station, you will be the first to call. “Annie, I really want to design a burrito bar for my two-bedroom, who should I hire? Who did Chipotle?” You know, if I had nickel for every time someone asked me that, I’d have . . . no money. But since I have no money, it’s obvious I get asked that everyday. Hrm, interesting. That doesn’t make sense, but you know what? Just nod. That is what I do. I nod all day, in addition to making words and internets. As you can see it gets very busy here in Annietown. If you blink you might miss something extremely important. DO NOT BLINK OH GOD DON’T DO IT.

So check out Jason’s plans here. NOTE that it will start downloading immediately. It’s a PDF. Prepared to get your mind blown. I am sure all the architects that read this blog will be like hedgehog habitat, are you 4 realz? He stole that from DS+R who stole that from Hillier. Whatever you guys. I am too imprightened to care.

Interesting to note, my friend who teaches architecture at Cooper Union said that the Boston ICA looked like a Target, so I am not the only one who thinks people should go to the ICA and buy a lot of toilet paper. Just saying. It feels good to feel right, you know what I mean? It hardly happens for me.

Anyway thanks, Jason. You have scared me. If you come near me I will pepper spray you.

The Europeans are taking over New York City because the dollar is like the limp-wristed kid in gym class that gets shoved in a locker and the Euro is all hopped on on roids and captain of the varsity football team. So now everyday I hear people say “Oh it eez zooo cheap here!” and a little piece of me dies. Yesterday I bought half a sandwich, soup, and a coffee and it cost like eleven dollars. It was one of those situations where you are in the line and you are like, eleven dollars? Really? Can I return the coffee?

Anyway so this European stopped me for directions and I gave it to him. I get stopped for directions all the time because I look non-threatening. That is what happens when you are Asian. You look non-threatening. Even if you are holding sweet ninja stars, people will be like, those are sweet Hello Kitty ninja stars, also, where is the Apple store? Anyway I don’t really mind. So I told this guy where he could find the Apple store so he could buy like six iPhones because they are so cheap. (The Apple store is actually limiting how many you can buy.) Anyway I tell him very nicely and then he says,

“Arrigato!”

BLEARH!

Are you kidding me? I cannot STAND this. If I had a drink in my hand I would’ve thrown it in his face. This is why I should always have a drink in my hand. So I can throw it in people’s faces. I’ve never done that before, but it looks very satisfying. Once in London, Rosalyne (who is Taiwanese) and I were in some bar and this guy came up to us and bowed and said “Arrigato” and we were both like. No. That’s rude and tried to explain it. And the dude just couldn’t understand. So we gave up. There is no cure for stupidity, that was a harsh lesson learned, my friends.

So I guess the lesson here is that if you see an Asian on the street, please don’t say “arrigato.” Instead say “ni ho ma” or just give them the finger.

On a separate note, Hello Kitty ninja stars would be amazing.

I was watching Predator the other day. It was on Spike TV. I think Predator is always on Spike TV. Anyway, that movie is so sweet. Both Jesse “the Body” Ventura and the Governator are in that movie. So there are TWO actors in Predator who eventually became governors. But wait, the guy who plays the Native American who is of course, all in tune with nature, is a man named Sonny Lapham who is not at all Native American but plays one on TV. He actually ran for governor of Kentucky but dropped out. Fairly recently. Isn’t that crazy? It blew my mind a little. I bet you Carl Weathers will run too. I’d totally vote for him.

All day I’ve had to answer this annoying question, “So, what did you do over the weekend?” Listen, everyone. Stop asking me this question. Just because everyone gets a holiday, doesn’t mean everyone has to do something. Really, this question only reminds me that I didn’t actually do anything over the weekend. Nothing at all. Literally, I did nothing. But it wasn’t a good kind of nothing. It was the kind of nothing you feel guilty about because you should be doing SOMETHING because hey, it’s a three-day weekend, what a great opportunity to do something. Go out of town. Go grill something. Go to the park. See some people. Go see some art n’ shit. Get some writing done. But instead I did nothing but think about doing many things and then totally did not do them.

“So, what did you do over the weekend?”

The answer is nothing.

Let’s see, after I did nothing…I did more of nothing. Then later, I did nothing. I was very busy with nothing.

Meanwhile everyone else did many things. People went all over the place, what is that about? My friend’s brother proposed to his ladyfriend. People went to Fire Island. There was some rooftop parties involving champagne. Moyer went to Mexico. I was here. I can’t even say I was sitting on my ass doing nothing. Because that’s actually doing something. I just sort of floated maybe.

At some point over the weekend, I got two mosquito bites on my arms. No idea how that even happened. Mosquitoes decided to punish me. Very curious.

You know how sloths remain so still that algae grows in their fur and there are like entire little ecosystems going on in there with bugs and all that stuff? And how their internal organs are shifted because they hang upside down all day and don’t move? I like sloths. I understand them. I see a sloth and I’m like hey man, I dig your style. And the sloth looks at me and is like, word. But you know, says it really really slowly. Wooorrrdddddd. And somewhere in the middle while saying that it falls asleep. Now how can sloth be one of the seven deadly sins? I mean they are so cute. They are like children wearing a suit of hair.

Speaking of hair, this week is Beast Week. I am going to take care of the beast for a week and a half. This is the same beast I had to take to the vet’s office a few months ago, for those who remember. For some reason, Aura asked me to cat sit again and for some reason, I said yes. I think we were both surprised by the answer. Aura says if the beast dies on my watch it’s OK because she really wants a dog. That made me feel better. She also told me that while in Florida over the weekend (she is one of the many that did something), she ended up in some pet store and they were selling doggie shirts that said “I miss my balls.” I thought that was funny. It would be extra funny if a guy were wearing it. Just saying.

I just had some pineapple and my tongue is very itchy. I want to scratch that crap out of it. It would really suck to get gonorrhea of the mouth from a pineapple. Oh god, it kind of burns too. I am told it will go away. It has not gone away. I should cut my tongue out, just like in Oldboy and like Dead or Alive or whatever that movie was. Anyway if I cut my tongue out, people would cheer, they’d be like, finally, she shut the hell up! We are winners! But then people forget that I write for a living. I’ll never shut up. Joke is on YOU! Ha ha ha!

Tonight the office is having a “pool party” and at first I was like dude, it’s raining and freezing out. And then I read the fine print and it’s pool as in billiards. Which is a lot warmer. However, I suck HORRIBLY at pool. I mean say what you will about bowling and my Granny Tortoise Style, which I should actually trademark so others do not bite my sweet technique, but I cannot apply GTS to billiards. I’ve thought it through and it just seems totally impossible. Part of the problem is that since I am on the short side of human, my arms are also on the short side. I need arm extensions. Maybe I can get one with hooks because I’ve kind of always wanted that. HOOKS dude! Hooks! You guys remember Police Academy? She was the officer who was really soft spoken and then at the end she’d go FREEZE DIRTBAG! And then everyone would laugh oh that Hooks, what a card. I think she did it at the end of each of those stupid movies. I think there were probably like a hundred Police Academy movies. Anyway I loved the Police Academies when I was little, but let me tell you, I had horrible taste in movies when I was little. Good god they are so bad, I was an idiot when I was nine.

You know how when people say “I’m a nice person, but . . .” then they say something that makes them clearly not a nice person, and maybe more like a dick. But since they preceded it with “I’m a nice person . . .” it is like suddenly they have a free pass to be a dick, just this once since clearly they have never, ever, ever been a dick before and are always nice. Anyway I am a nice person because I gave the huge silver yoga ball that JoMo stole from the Beaux Arts Ball to the yoga studio I go to and they were very excited because they don’t really have the funds to buy their own yoga balls because only five people go there. So I have done my good deed for the day to show that I can actually be a nice person. But I guess that means normally I am a dick. So in this case I should say, “I’m a dick, but I donated the yoga ball to the yoga people.” But of course I am not being that nice since I didn’t actually pay for the ball and in fact it was stolen, though not by me. So I guess that brings us back to the original point, which is that I am a dick but not the biggest dick ever since I didn’t steal, which means that JoMo is the biggest dick ever, which he is anyway since he doesn’t read this blog and therefore got a Shoutdown in some previous post where I gave the Shoutdowns. God this is all so terribly confusing.

So in conclusion: I am a dick, but I am occasionally nice. Also, JoMo is a dick. I think that covers it up and I really should’ve written that to begin with. Now you are there scratching your heads being like, dude, this doesn’t even make sense. And then I would have to agree with you because in addition to being a dick, I am also agreeable, which seems at odds with each other, but if jumbo shrimp can exist, so can agreeable dicks, right? I like Fig Newtons.

I am back from the Isle of Fire. It was raining, and yet somehow the Isle still remained flaming.

The one thing I missed over the weekend while being flaming on the flaming island of flames was something as equally as flaming, the Architecture League of NY’s Beaux Arts Ball, or as I like to call it, “prom.” I was unable to attend, sadly, but apparently the theme this year was “balls.” There were hundreds of balls of various shapes and sizes and bounciness. And of course the balls jokes were abound. I mean how can you not make balls jokes in a room full of balls? It’s like they were asking for it. People were holding balls, hugging balls, cupping balls, kicking balls, rolling balls, dribbling balls. A lot of balls were there, though none of them were actually attached to anyone since they are all architects. Ha ha ha JK JK. IT IS A JOKE, ARCHITECTS. Anyway, LTL were the organizers this year and the partners were walking around in a gigantic inflatable hamster ball. I wasn’t there but it sounds like what the Flaming Lips use for their shows. I know that if I were there I would’ve thrown balls at them.

Throwing balls at people = a good time.

Even if it’s as lame as an architecture prom.

Anyway JoMo stole a large silver ball for me which is about as big as my entire apartment. I don’t know what to do with it, the ball barely fit through the door. There is a gigantic ball in my apartment. But only one, the other was lost to ball cancer. The ball was filthy so JoMo washed it in the bathtub. He washed his balls. God it’s endless. This shit is endless, you guys. My brain is going to explode. It almost wasn’t fair that I couldn’t go.

I am headed out this afternoon to the Fire Island. Do you know this place? It is an island actually made of fire. Everything. The plants, animals, beaches, houses, people. They are all MADE OF FIRE. It will actually BLOW YOUR MIND if you could only withstand the awesome heat of the things made of fire. OK fine, nothing is made of fire. I was lying. It’s just called Fire Island probably because someone made a campfire on it once and they were like, damn what should we call this totally sweet place we discovered and someone was like, how about Campfire Island and people were like, that sounds really lame and like summer campy you are a total douchebag why don’t we just call it Fairy Princess Island? So then the person was like hey, first of all, there is nothing wrong with fairy princesses, they are ROYALTY. Second of all let’s just call it Fire Island then. And everyone was like ok fine. Now many people think of it as the “second gayest place on Earth.” The first would be Provincetown, MA, which truly is the gayest place on Earth. Nice and cute and fun, but like, really, really gay.

Anyway my friend and his family have a house on Fire Island so we are going to go and hang out. When I visit Fire Island I basically sleep. I sleep and sleep and sleep. It is glorious and delicious. Then I wake up to cook. Watch some kind of zombie movie. And then sleep. I go for a walk. Sometimes we try to gather bikes to take a bike ride but that rarely works out because they have like 15 bikes but only 2 of them work. So we have to take all the bikes apart and put them together to make 3 working bikes. It is a real chore and at some point I say, screw this, let’s go sleep. And then everyone says Annniieeee and I’m like, shush I am trying to sleep.

Last night I had dinner with Emeco, the chair design people I sometimes, occasionally, rarely blog for. I am majorly behind on the bloggings. I’m behind on everything. If you go to the site you’ll see a very naked man named Tony sitting on an Emeco chair. He was also at this dinner. I didn’t recognize him because he had clothes on. Those chairs are brutally cold so I’m surprised he could sit on it nood. But he was in the Navy so he’s tough like that. There were also some people from Mono, a Japanese magazine. Dan from Emeco is hilarious. He’s some kind of VP there. I dunno, I forget exactly. He invented chairs. Yeah that’s it. He invented the chair. He is a very important man. He is also not ashamed to cry.

A Homie with his pooch, a real-life Homie Hoodz Houndz, go to Minnesota to live with RT. When I think about Minnesota, only one thing comes to mind.

That’s right. Snow. Lots of effing snow. Snow up the butt and out the wazoo. RT takes Homie and the pooch to work. This means having to walk through the effing snow. Note that these pictures were taken in APRIL but that there’s still so much effing snow. Also RT is really slow about giving me pictures, almost as slow as me putting them up.

RT, Homie, and the pooch wait for the bus. In the effing snow. Because that is what you do in Minnesota. Homie complains that it’s cold. Pooch complains that it’s cold. RT says, crap you guys, will you stop the complaining. It’s April, we have at least two more months before this stuff melts and then it’ll be really nice for like a week, and then it’ll start snowing again. Because it’s Minnesota. Suck it up. Homie tries to shank RT but she isnt’ having any of it.

While waiting for the bus in the snow, they read the paper. This is some kind of tribune. They learn about the news. It’s mostly bad news.

They go on the bus. In Minneosta, dogs and Homies are allowed on the bus. I didn’t know that either, pretty aweosme right? Very liberal.

They go to work, but work is work. Let’s skip to the good stuff.

I’ve had a long day at work, says Homie, beers on me! RT says thank you.

I’ve had a long day too, says RT, another round!

Homie, the pooch, and RT play foosball. Because that is what you do when you drink. You do things like play foosball. Actually, foosball and beer go well together, just like Starsky and Hutch. Or Crockett and Tubbs. Or Tango and Cash. Or Turner and Hooch. Or your mom and my jock. HA HA HA.

We’ve come to that part of the evening when you play Buck Hunter. On Bowling Day at the office a co-worker was playing and he was OUTRAGED that you weren’t allowed to shoot does. “Since when did THAT happen?” I was like, dude stop yelling you are harshing my mellow.

OK, thanks RT!

OK Pony and I have the sweetest idea ever.

Picture it. Close your eyes if you have to.

A store. A new kind of store.

It sells flavor.

Like there will be walls and walls of flavor. I imagine little jars or small packets of flavor. There’s the regular nacho cheese, sour cream and onion, parmesan, cool ranch, and flamin’ hot. You know those crackers called “Chicken in a Biscuit”? They’d have that flavor too. There’d also be the sweet ones like cinnamon, maple +brown sugar, watermelon, strawberry-kiwi, etc.

But then you can do like other foods instead of single flavors, like pizza, hamburger, or, like, omelette. I mean people really like omelettes. So why not have stuff taste like omelette? I remember Cheese Nips had taco flavor. That was my favorite. Totally gross, but dude, TACOS except it’s a CHEESE NIP. Pony says that in Japan he had chips that tasted like XTREME corn. And they were corn chips. So they started with corn and then added more corn in post. This is why the Japanese will win. They can just endlessly improve beyond the point of recognition. You eat this Xtreme Corn Chip and you are like, I’m never eating real corn again, it’s just not corn-ful enough.

OK, so then this store would also have blank foods. Unflavored food which sounds funny, but hear me out. It’d be like blank potato chips, blank corn chips, blank nips (w/o the cheese, not as in like Asians ha ha ha I can say nip because I am Asian shut up), blank rice crackers, blank puffs that you find in Cheezy Puffs except without the cheeze. There’d be blank pieces of candy in all of its different forms, like taffy, gum, hard, etc. You can have like blank fruit roll-ups or blank gummies.

THEN OH MY GOD YOU COMBINE THEM.

THEN YOU BECOME A WINNER. A WINNER OF FLAVOR.

Pony and I, if we can get out of our contracts where we are apparently not allowed to work together on anything except for work, will call this flavor store UMAMI. Which is the “sixth” flavor, i.e. the one that is in MSG.

FLAVOR STORE.

It will BLOW PEOPLE’S MINDS. Like a real brick and mortar version of this.

It will be next door to the gym where there is an empty room and a crappy car and everyone gets bats.