I have an Extra Eyebrow
Early Saturday morning I woke up with this strange feeling that I was being watched. Something in the room. I don’t know if you’ve ever woken up with this feeling, but it’s like you suddenly wake up because something is off. Your body senses it. You feel that something is not just looking at you, but maybe even looking through you. With crazy eyes. I dunno how I got this feeling while I was sleeping, but it just kind of came up. So I woke up. And what do I see?
AN EYEBROW CRAWLING UP MY WALL.
NO, IT WAS NOT MY EYEBROW. SHUT UP.
I don’t know what kind of insect it was. It’s the kind that looks like an eyebrow. It’s probably poisonous. A poisonous, creeping, crawling, squirming, slithering eyebrow that has way more legs than it needs.
Listen, insects, why must you have so many legs? Everyone else gets along fine with just four legs and or even two legs. Because two is all we need. Having six seems totally unnecessary. And having twelve legs or however many this eyebrow had is just offensive. Like you are showing off. Guess what? I AM NOT IMPRESSED. YOU DO NOT NEED THAT MANY LEGS.
I have no idea how this eyebrow got into my apartment, but it was raining the night before so it was probably like, hey, this place is nice and dry and look she has cereal. I think I’ll hang out here and oh look I think I see some friends rocking a party on her face. Oh wait, those are just HER EYEBROWS. Oh well, now that I’m here I shall just hang out and look at her until she wakes up.
*sits and stares*
So, of course I flip out because I am not a big fan of insects, which is to say that I hate them and I am afraid of them. I mean, I like what they do for us and our planet, blah blah blah but I rather not see or hear them, kind of like children ha ha ha. No really. Anyway I ran to get a cup and a piece of paper because I just did not have it in me to kill it. NOT because I am against killing insects, I just really did not want to deal with the mess. I just imagined squishing it and then having like all these legs fly everywhere, all over my bed, which is totally NOT an option. So in the four seconds it took to gather my trapping tools, the eyebrow climbs up to where I can’t catch it. Clearly it knows I’m coming. I mean it probably has twelve eyes to go with its twelve stupid legs. So then I kind of wait and watch it crawl very slowly. With all those legs you’d think it’d be really fast, but actually it’s quite slow. But then it FALLS OFF THE WALL so now you know that having two really good legs is better than having twelve crappy ones.
So it actually FALLS INTO MY SHEETS and I flip out and actually cry OH GOD NO and move the sheets around to get it under the cup and it falls BEHIND THE BED. And I realize I can’t move the bed because it has drawers filled with stuff. So then I have these nightmares of this eyebrow making more eyebrows in my winter sweaters and whatnot. Then I see it come up the wall again and by that point I have lost my cup somehow. So I grab the most toxic thing I can find in my apartment, which is Tilex. And I spray the crap out of it and it falls BEHIND THE RADIATOR where I can’t reach it, so I spray it some more and hope it dies. And now there is a dead eyebrow behind my radiator. Getting crispy.
I mean I hope it’s dead. Maybe it’s not dead. Maybe it is still somewhere here.
Current mood is disturbed.
Hahaha… you just reminded me of the time I actually had to call Aaron at 2 in the morning (11pm his time) when that mouse was caught behind my door so that he could talk me through moving from freaking out on the bed to freaking out in the livingroom instead. After which I plugged up the space between the door and the floor with a towel so that it couldn’t crawl under. Yeah, and then still had nightmares about icky mice in my apartment. ick. ick. That said, at least it wasn’t an eyebrow! That’s just wrong.I’m sure it’s dead though. And crispy. really.
Some people, you know, have to deal with having a uni-brow. You clearly don’t have this problem because apparently you have three eyebrows. So, in a way, you are showing off just like the bug is showing off its legs,only with too many eyebrows. If your third eyebrow were on your face, where would it reside? If it was in the center of your two indigenous eyebrows, it would unite them and become the infallible uni-brow. So a third eyebrow would logically have to sit above the left eyebrow, but clearly separated so that there is no confusion as to quantity. There would be social repercussions however. There would be the permanent look of suspicion on your face. The illusion that the left eyebrow is raised, when it is merely doubled. Also, Korean girls may inadvertently spray your face with tilex.
Erin: I remember that hahaha. I had mice (still do I’m sure) and the super’s solution was to put sticky traps and poison out so they all died everywhere, it was gross. But I had one in a sticky trap, still alive. I had someone “remove the body from the premises.” The other day I found a dead one on the stairwell. Flat like a pancake, I’m like how doe that happen INSIDE a building? No idea. Maybe someoen tracked it in on their shoe.
Ramon: I can’t tell you how many people spray me wiht Tilex on any given day. It’s maddening.
Dear Annie,
Here is a trick. Keep a can of air handy; one of those cans of air with a straw that you use to blow saltine crumbs out of your keyboard. The next time the bug shows up, hold the can upside-down, aim the straw at the bug, and pull the trigger. A blast of super cold something will jet out of the can, and freeze the bug, possibly without killing it. You can then pick up the bug with a piece of paper or something, and let it go outside, kill it with a shoe, or put it with the others. Your choice.
Be sure the straw is more or less perpendicular to the surface the bug is standing on, or hilarity will ensue.
Yours,
Mr. Pony
Hey, is it one of these?: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_centipede
*Shivers* Insects scare the hell out of me. If it was me, I’d let the bug spend the night in my room and then I’d sleep in the family room.
The other night, there was this little black creepy spider chilling in my bathroom sink. So I picked up a Dixie cup and washed it down the drain. Half an hour later, it was back. So I redrowned it. Then had a nightmare where it got revenge by having millions of baby creepy black spiders attack me.
Eek…I’m sorry about the eyebrow…and the hilarity that came with it.
Jesus Christ, dude. It’s like “Evan Almighty” but with bugs. So… I guess that makes you Annie Almighty? Good luck with that!
With all these bugs invading your space maybe Life is trying to tell you something… Like that you’re supposed to be an entomologist. Or that YOU SHOULD FUCKING MOVE OUT OF THAT CRAP APARTMENT ALREADY.
Did I already tell you this? When my son, Dylan (the one playing guitar with Mitch, the Homie) was much younger, he gave me a gift of a (what we didn’t know at the time was) praying mantis eggsack. Which I kept in my bedroom, as people do. So, imagine if you will, hundreds of tiny praying mantises flying around your bedroom at 2 am. Or, even better, imagine if your 3rd eyebrow insect could fly…creepy.
Oh My Gosh once during the summer my brother and i were up at 2 in the morning playing video games, and we always had to sneak upstairs when we got tired. so when we reached the hall, we found FIVE of those freaky ass things on the wall!!! i screamed, thus waking up my rents, and my mom screamed, and my dad just got the vacuume and sucked those nasty things up. and called us wusses.
Pony: Ooo freezing them to death is a good idea. My problem is that I am kind of short and insects seem to know that. Hard to spray.
Mike: Yeah totally! It has FIFTEEN PAIRS OF LEGS!!! Ugh. I don’t care if they kill other bugs. If you dont’ pay rent, you cannot live in my house. Also, I’ve seen they eyebrow in my tub w/ a live roach just hanging out for fun so clearly the eyebrow is not so interested in killing roaches.
Maddie: I hate hate hate baby insects. It might be the only kind of baby animal that is not awesome.
Aaron: I know, I know, I know. I’ve been saying that for five years.
Tracyene: Yeah I remember reading this but I forgot. SICK. and also GROSS. Egg sacks in general are gross. Like oh here, I shall have a bag full of all my babies and they will all hatch at the sametime and it will be awesome. Why wouldn’t animals just eat the whole egg sack? Doesn’t seem so smart of an idea, this egg sack business.
Lanna: Yeah I would’ve totally vacuumed that mother up except my vacuum is powered by fairies and pixies and has no power whatsoever.
Talk about pest. What’s with mice and DC? They look really cute crossing the street during broad day light and crawling up ppl’s shoes/feet without being stomped on and all but gees, America is really a land of freedom - even for mice!