L.A.’s Fine, But It’s Not Home
I just received a very sexy photo from Dr. Jimbob of GA Tech. It is so sexy I am almost afraid to look at it because it makes my LOINS CRY OUT. THEY ARE BURNING HOLY CRAP MY LOINS ARE ON FIRE. And I’m sure it’s not from the gonorrhea (this time).
It is a 8 x 10 glossy headshot of…THE DIAMOND.
(HINT: Not Dustin Diamond or Lou Diamond Phillips)
NEIL DIAMOND!!!!!
DUDE!
NO. YOU DON’T GET IT. IT’S NEIL FUCKING DIAMOND!!!!
No, no, no, YOU shut up!
He is smoldering. He is smoking hot. And god his hair…his beautiful hair…it is like cornsilk (fashioned into a fro helmet). Oh the Diamond is making me blush with that look. He wants me. I know that he wants me because he is telling me with his soul. That gentle pucker of his lips. His Romanesque nose. His butterfly collar. Say no more, Annie, I am yours forever.
He’s showing just enough of the signature Diamond chest hair, but not too much to be crass, that’s because the Diamond has class. He buys drinks for the ladies and pulls out their chairs for them before making sweet, sweet love to them with his birdsong.
The Diamond came in a protective plastic sleeve because that is how much people care about the Diamond. When you get a photo of the Diamond, the first thing you do is put it in a plastic sleeve. The second thing you do is put it on your fridge and then build a shrine around it. I will be sacrificing small children or lambs (whichever I can get from the deli up the street).
My fridge is redonk. The Hoff, Ricky Martin, the Diamond. Everyone who comes over will want to make sweet, sweet love to my fridge. As they should. I mean look at it. It’s so beautiful.
There really is only one person on this planet who truly appreciates the Diamond. And that is Neil Diamond. But holy shit, I heart him. Oh dear, I think he’s undressing me with his eyes! Oh Neil, you devil!
Thank you Dr. JimBob!!!!!
Glad you like it. Perhaps I could write a small grant proposal to send “special” undergraduates to your fridge in NYC for sacrificing. No sense in wasting good lamb. Administrators always like to see more grants, and it would help out with this “old softie” reputation that I have recently acquired.
JimBob
How about a photo of said redonk fridge?
woulda been better if it were a king diamond photo…anyways, where has lou diamond phillips been??
I had to google-image Neil Diamond to remind myself how he looks like…
http://www.neil-diamond.biz/NeilDiamond3.jpg
OMG, Annie - you like them old!
JimBob: That’s true. Plus, lambs are too cute to eat, unlike undergrads. Send them my way, I will serve them to the Diamond. And now you are an old softie? They are so fickle. Maybe it’s time to get medieval on them. Again.
Debora: I had one in an old post, but it is without the Diamond. I don’t even remember where I “filed” the post. I’m bad at this blogging business.
Ian: I think Lou Diamond Phillips is not doing much of anything. I guess Jimmy Smits is taking all of his parts?
Fly: Oh come on, I love the VINTAGE ERA Diamond. The old-skool before the coke caught up to him. This is the glossy on the fridge. If I close my eyes I can hear him sing to me. Right now he is singing Soolaimon which is a stupid song, but what can you do? Tell him to shut up? I think not, my friend.
Annie, do you Know it’s 2008?? Come on, The Hoff, Ricky Martin, Neil Diamond, can’t you pick anyone from this century? Your mind is like my mom’s.
I though you would never gonna disapoint me, but this is pretty close.
Pedro: How can you not love the Diamond? OMG it’s like you’re not human. I’m so misunderstood *cries emo tears*
I’ve been lurking around your website a few weeks since I read your book (which was quite a riot, by the way!)
This brings back so many giddy musical memories of my father (who left us much too soon…) Neil Diamond was the “songwriter for the ages”, according to him. We indulged him because he also introduced us to Ray Charles and Sammy Davis Jr, among many others. The man was quite eclectic, musically.
And Lou Diamond Phillips? He just toured through town a few weeks ago, portraying King Arthur in Camelot. (We’re talking Alabama, here.) According to reviews his singing was nothing to write home about, but apparently he did have a certain magical royal stage presence.
And the vintage Diamond is most definitely swoon-worthy. His eyes, they hypnotise!!!
Hey Tami: Welcome to the blogorrhea. My dad is really into the Diamond too. He has many records on vinyl including a live one, which is a croonfest. He also likes Johnny Mathis. He also likes Spartacus and Ben Hur. he also likes show tunes. So basically, I think my dad is gay.
Lou D.P. is touring on the stage? And he sings? They should just do a Young Guns musical then he would b right for the part, word. None of this King Arthur crap.
As a real man, I can pay my respects to The Diamond. Like a samurai warrior who honors the masters who came before. I have almost gotten misty listening to “Sweet Caroline…bah bah bah” while attending red sox games at fenway park. They play that song every game for the seventh inning stretch, in case you don’t know. If only I could grow the chest hair as thick.
Hey man, last century ruled. Don’t go making the mistake of confusing novelty with quality. As for Neil, “Sweet Caroline” never really grabbed me, but loved his performance of “Dry Your Eyes” from The Last Dance. Also, track down if you can famous groupie “Sweet Connie” Hamzy’s story of her encounter with Neil in the back of a tour bus. I guess it’s a pretty routine groupie story when you think about it, but Neil’s not the first guy you’d imagine being part of a routine groupie story.
Wow were you drunk when you wrote this? Or do you really like Neil Diamond. Either way *high five*
I love Neil, too…but not the way you do, Annie.
I googled him and here are 2 things I didn’t know about him–he sings a song called “Soggy Pretzels, and on the Hot August Night album cover he looks remarkably like Jim Morrison ( I can’t make a link, so you must google it!)
One thing I already knew about him is that a member of my family was conceived while “Cracklin’ Rosie” was playing. So, it (his potent sexuality) works.
Ok, Annie, next week is Neil Diamond theme on American Idol. So, make sure you watch it! (I assume The Diamond is still alive and will be on the Show?)
Ramon: Yeah I used to live near Fenway and the Sweet Caroline was the best part about seeing the game there, so awesome and people are totally into it too.
Alex: Are you kidding? Neil must have groupies in storage over at UHaul, taht guy is so fly.
ANdrew: No I wasn’t drunk and I stopped high fiving in 2003 as a New Year’s Resolution. Long story.
Tracyene: I do not know the Soggy Pretzels song but I bet it shreds. I can’t stand Jim Morrison, but Neil does kind of look like an older version of him. Older and BETTER! Also, I would be such a better person if I was conceived to Cracklin Rose. Man I would kill for that. My parents suck.
Fly: But I HATE that show! HATE! Why must they ruin everything I love?
u know what guyz .. i think all dads that i have met like Neil Diamond… then all have a record or two of his …
so what …?
i love neil diamond toooo ..
wait … just his songs …..
Shows like American Idol are specifically design to ruin every good song you’ve heard before. Blame marketing people.
Can you follow more about the NO - high fiving issue as a new year’s resolution. Sounds interesting.
I think these people also truly, truly appreciate The Diamond: http://www.songsungblue.com/Song_Sung_Blue_Documentary.html
I just realized that I was thinking of the wrong person. I thought you meant Vince Neil, lead guitarist of Motley Crue. That’s why I was confused. Didn’t picture you as much of a 80’s hair band fan.
And that is a coincidence because I made a New Years Resolution to do at least 3 high fives a day. Long story. (*high five*)
I know he’s no Diamond, but I did get to meet Hasslehoff on Friday in Hollywood. I was singing on top of a tour bus (crazy, i know), and he was chillin with three hot chicks out in front of one of the clubs we stopped at! He looks great for his age!!
Zeies: If you love the songs, you love the man.
Pedro: I just stopped high fiving in 2003 as a New Year’s Resolution and ever since then I haven’t fived. Micah Calabrese was the last person I high fived I believe (Right, Micah? At your Lemona place I think, you were all proud.). There are also a few people who have forced a five on me but I don’t count that because I usually kick them in return. A kick five if you will. No one forces a five on me without punishment of some kind.
Mike: All movies should be about the Diamond.
Andrew: So basically we negate the national average of high fiving. Me with none, you with three. So that puts the average at 1.5, which is about right.
Ramon: Oh snap, the Hoff! Do you think he is sober now? Hard to tell because he is such a cheeseball.
I didn’t see one single celebrity during my trip to the States. Not even Hoff :S