ASSHOLE CAT ATTACKS POOR HOMIE
I sent a Homie to Kansas. Because I thought Kansas was a safe place. A place where a Homie could leave her gang-banging days behind and live the rest of her days in peace and happiness and harmony among the fairies and butterflies and wood nymphs and satyrs and all that other gay shit (I mean gay as in overly happy not gay as in homosexual, I don’t know how else to describe Kansas. Flat? Rectangular?)
Guess what? My good friend Sarah took her Homie and used it as a “toy” for her asshole cat who is like literally three thousand years old and unable to catch shit that actually moves. Poor Homie! The injustice! Homie thought she was escaping to an enchanted retirement community for Homies just like herself. She was wrong. Dead wrong.
Magic is an evil, evil cat. Also Magic is very hungry. HUNGRY FOR HOMIES. Much like Mike in Hawaii. LISTEN, if I send you a Homie can you guys please REFRAIN FROM EATING IT? Seriously.
Homie is pissed. She is sad. And maybe a little desperate. She just wanted to get away from the violence of the barrio. Instead she got a three hundred pound, three hundred year old cat chasing after her. So she and her dog run away and escape to a large lake.
She thinks it’s the strangest lake she has ever seen but that is maybe how people do it in Kansas. Just as she makes the plunge, Magic, that asshole bastard cat, swoops in.
Homie is a prisoner. Magic is like Jabba the Hutt. Which means Homie is Princess Leia. And I guess her dog is that other little Muppet animal with the big, hairy ears that hangs out witih Jabba, you know what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend like you are too cool for school for Return of the Jedi. You love the movie as much as I do. Shut up.
Homie awaits a hero. There will be no hero this time.
Sniff. Sniff.
Thanks Sarah. Come visit me. Now.
Such cruelty towards Homies must be denounced. Down with opressor felines.
(I know exactly what muppet animal you mean… a less cool friend told me about it)
Aww man Homie, my mind is playin’ tricks on me…Just when you think you get out, they pull you back in. The violence, the alienation, the fleas. There is no heaven for a Homie. Poor poor Homie.
Renato: I know, everyone is being such a prick to the Homies. Forced into slavery in Portugal, eaten by cats in Kansas, turned into pasta sauce by Hawaiians, it’s awful. So awful.
Ramon: Hopefully you will treat your Homie better. If not, I will send Magic to fuck you up big time.
Magic v. Kitty: Deathmatch
what do you think, Smarsh?
…except me. I treat my Homie well. I take my Homie to all the places around the world and she even travels business class!
Magic vs. Kitty Deathmatch would never take place. She is not interested in exerting energy for malicious satisfaction. She just wants to eat things that pass in front of her. So when Kitty protested being eaten (as with aforefeatured Homie), Magic would be all, “pshaw, honk shoo, zzzzz” and Kitty would move up her therapy appointment. I hope Rhena is reading this since she is one of those crazy cat lovers.
I object to my vilification for the sake of plot, but will forgive all involved parties if they promptly send Homies carved from my favorite food, burritos.
Rhena is totally reading this and wishing she had a cat of her own. Meanwhile, Kitty is sharpening her shiv and is totally going to take Magic down while Magic is hooked up to her inhaler and not prepared to defend herself. Kitty has been watching Big Cat Diary on Animal Planet and she knows how the big guys do it. No more spiders, bugs and mice for her. She’s not wasting her talents on small prey anymore, and attacking the unassailably large prey (who calls herself her “owner”) is getting tired. No, Kitty has a new game plan. She will not be satisfied until she bags herself a 20-lb Kansan farm cat who bears a striking resemblance to a National Geographic cover girl.
That is so embarrassing — I was totally reading this and thinking “why do my friends always have to write about, send links about, take photos of cats.” The other day I used the word “shiv” and my sister was like, “what’s a shiv?” and I was like, “it must be nice to be so naive.”