Yesterday Marco and I went to see the Greatest American Of Our Time And Anyone Else’s Time For That Matter, Stephen Colbert, at a taping of the Greatest American Show Of Our Time And Future Time, the Colbert Report. That man is a BEAST! I heart him. I want him to have many America-loving babies with me.

Stephen: Please have many America-loving babies with me.

Anyway before the taping of his show, he takes questions from the audience. And this one woman asked him, “So…are you fucking Matt Damon too?” And he says, “No…why? Does his dick taste like me?”

I then proceeded choke on my own saliva. OH dear sweet jesus, that made me laugh. That guy is so funny he should have his own show.

Fly decides to live with Leonora, who lives in Abu Dhabi, which lives in the United Arab Emirates, which lives on Earth. Fly has never been to Abu Dhabi but believes everyone there “keeps it real on the q-tip.”

Leonora takes Fly to work. Leonora is an architect. You can tell by the fancy pictures. Fly sees two other Homie-wannabes and she goes apenuts. There is only room for one Homie, she says, I’m going to blackjack you if you don’t get the F out of my way. The wannabes wonder what a blackjack is. Fly sighs. Don’t you know anything? That’s when I fill a tube sock with rocks and hit you with it, prison-style. The wannabes are scared. They cry. Fly does not feel bad. That is how hard she is.

Leonora introduces Fly to her mother’s collection of religious knickknacks. Fly realizes that Leonora’s mother and Annie’s mother would be all B.F.F.’s if they only lived in the same zip code.

Leonora takes Fly on a trip. They go to the airport. It’s in Dubai. It’s called the Dubai International Airport. Fancy that. They go to Sibu, Sarawak, Borneo Island which is in Malaysia. They visit Leonora’s brother.

Fly can’t believe how PIMP the cars are in Sibu, Sarawak, Borneo Island in Malaysia. She can’t wait to buy one. Leonora has to explain that it’s just her brother’s car collection and she can’t actually buy one. Fly gets cross. I am buying one of these PIMP cars, shut up or else I’ll blackjack you. Leonora asks what a blackjack is and Fly says, ask your Homies wannabes.

Hmm…maybe I like it in white.

Or in gold. Gold is the color for WINNERS. Leonora explains, it is more of a champagne color. Fly says, you’re right. CHAMPAGNE is the color for WINNERS.

While Fly shops for wheels, she meets the man of her dreams. He is a board-certified HUNK. In fact, his name is Hunk. Fly gets all flustered. He is so unbelievably hot she is practically melting just looking at him. Oh, do you hear that? It’s the sound of Fly’s heart thumping.

Fly decides that she looks good in green. She thinks that Hunk will agree. She is sad that her sweet, pimp ride does not have room for a passenger. Fly must choose…the car of the hunk? She of course, chooses the ride. I mean look at this ride. It is so pimp.

Dubaiwalla lives in Washington, D.C., which happens to be the capitol of the United States. On a map, Washington, D.C. gets a little star with a circle around it. It’s very fancy. It’s also not a state. It’s one of those fake states you see on television. Dubaiwalla received a Homie. It is unclear whether or not the Homie is a male or female. Just last night I was ranting how we only have two choices, male or female. Seems a little lame. We should have at least fifteen choices. We live in the 21st century, damnit. We are all about choices. Anyway, the point is this: this Homie could be a girl. It could also be a boy. The Homie’s name is now Chris.

Chris takes a tour of Washington, D.C. Dubaiwalla is very connected in Washington, D.C. and introduces Chris to famous politicians.

Chris meets George Washington. Chris says, that’s crazy, you know this city is called Washington, and your last name is Washington. What is that about?

Chris meets Abraham Lincoln. Chris says, what you thinking about? Lincoln says, can you please go away, I am thinking very hard right now.

Chris meets Bill Clinton. Chris says, dude you’re Bill Clinton. And Bill Clinton says, I so am Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton begins to talk about how great his presidency was despite the whole jizzing on an intern thing but, Chris doesn’t care because Chris sees someone s/he has been wanting to meet for a long time.

STEPHEN *&^%$ COLBERT! Chris nearly has a heart attack. Chris screams and jumps up and down and then passes out just like those girls did when they saw the Beatles.

Chris sees the Jefferson Memorial. Chris thinks it’s pretty tight that there’s a monument to the Jefferson’s, it was the best show on television for a very long time. Damn straight it gets a memorial.

Chris sees the First Division Monument (don’t know where the second and third division monuments are) and the Dwight D. Eisenhower Executive Office Building, which houses the office of Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney. Dishwalla had to escape immediately for fear that Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney would confiscate Chris under the Patriot Act which explicitly says the authorities can steal Homies. Bastards!

Chris makes a quick stop by the Office of Thrift Supervision. I just need to pick up some thrift supervisions on my way home, Chris explains. Dishwalla says FINE, I’LL WAIT IN THE CAR BUT HURRY UP.

Dishwalla and Chris run into trouble. As Dishwalla snaps a photo of Chris near an entrance to the White House, a security “officer” gets very suspicious. Dishwalla explains the story of the Homies and the security “officer” goes through Dishwalla’s camera to verify. Dishwalla later asks some Secret Service “representatives” to take a picture with Chris and they were all, no my hair looks really bad today and I spilled coffee all over my suit this morning. Not a good time. Totes sorry! LOL!

This Homie ended up with Dr. Michelle in New Hampshire, which is pretty much the opposite of the barrio. This Homie was all, wtf! Is that a tree or something? And then, omg, what is this white crap falling from the sky? At first he thought it was cocaine and then Dr. Michelle had to explain, no, my little Homie, it is snow. Cocaine comes from a lab. Snow comes from clouds. It is a kind of precipitation, which is a general term to describe any form of water that falls from the sky. Homie appreciates this quick science lesson. Dr. Michelle is happy. She teaches teachers for a living but it’s been a while since she’s taught a Homie. She has found the perfect “teaching moment.” Then the Homie proceeds to get his mind blown.

He discovers snow is actually very cold. He kind of gets pissed off about it, but then decides, wait, this is kind of fresh. He wonders if people even say “fresh” anymore, but realizes no, he’s in New Hampshire, they probably say “wicked” or something. Like those Canucks and Mainers. Homie decides Maine sucks, he has New Hampshire in the blood. He wants to get “New Hampshire” tattooed across his belly, but it’s so long it’ll have to wrap around twice around his rock hard tasty abs.

Homie meets Darcy. Darcy is a dog. Homie is a homie. Darcy seems unimpressed by the homie. Likewise, Homie is unimpressed with the dog. They decide to be unimpressed together and be lifelong friends BFFs 4-eva.

In true New Hampshire form, the Homie has decided to “live free or die.”