Ikea is for Douchebags Like Me
I got a new bed from Ikea over the weekend. This one has drawers underneath so I can “maximize my living space.” I am not so crazy about Ikea and whenever I go there a little piece of me dies. But it doesn’t die quietly. It is more like screaming and kicking with blood spurting and heads rolling and zombies tearing flesh off small children right on top of the gørtang table in beech veneer. It’s a collision of crying children, college students, arguing couples, Swedish meatballs in mysterious brown sauce, and couples making out in a corner. Dude, wtf is that about? Like the last place I want to make out is at IKEA. Listen, treat your lady right. At least go to Ethan Allan. I hear that is for classy broads.
Anyway, one cannot get a used bed on Craiglist. That is how you get bedbugs and herpes and razor blades in your apples, etc. So I got a new bed. It came in three thousand parts, three baggies of hardware, and a manual that was longer than anything I’ll ever write in my entire life. But hey! It’s only 37 easy steps! It took three hours and two people. (Thanks, JoMo.)
The thing about Ikea that pisses me off, other than the fact that it makes everyone in the world have the same crap made from Burmese rainforest trees, is the showroom situation. They have these “showrooms” that are named “Living in 500 square feet.” Oh the CHALLENGES OF LIVING IN A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT. Oh I can’t even imagine how awful it must be to live in 500 square feet. They smallest showroom they had was 275 square feet. Which is about 100 square feet more than my place. I was like, shit, maybe I should just move into Ikea. Then I discovered the ‘kitchen’ had no running water and the oven was made out of cardboard, ha ha ha, you lost Annie, once again. Your grand plans of world domination thwarted, once again, by Ikea. Damn you bastards, with your umlats and your A’s with the circle on top of it, like an angel. How fancy of you.
Anyway, the point is, hey, I have a new bed. It is kind of low to the ground though. Everything Ikea makes is kind of low to the ground, it makes them seem more ‘designy’ and “European.’ I need a walker to help me out of bed. However, it makes me look like a giant in my own apartment. That is nice, I guess.
Oi. My apartment is fully furnished with IKEA stuff except for the dining table set (coz there’s something wrong with the height of IKEA dining chairs vs their dining table height…they are just ergonomically incorrect…the chairs are too low for the table…or perhaps they were designed for people with long torso but short legs…I’m the other way round). I guess I’m douchebag too. Dóh!
I’ve always had the same idea, living in IKEA, like a few friends living there, each in there own little 500 sqf and them coming together to the linving room areas for parties or going to the desk-office are to do some stuff, like a huge shared loft. Can you imaging having a party one night there with no one else, ……
P.S Annie, your living in 187 sqf is really a challenge, Ikea should hire you….
P.S.2 I talked to a friend, GYM design is on its way
Have you tried apartmenttherapy.com? Occasionally they have suggestions for people who live in the world’s tiniest spaces. Granted, 99% of their blog entries are for rich people with million dollar homes in the Hamptons, but they had some good suggestions last month from people who lived in apartments that are less than 200 square feet.
It kills me, many of my friends enjoy going there. It’s like “Yay! I get to go to IKEA today?” and I’m like, “Oh yeah? Well I get to go to the dentist, but it’s a helluva lot more fun than walking through fake rooms where you can’t understand the names of furniture.So I think my day wins.” I think that’s a sales gimmick actually, choosing names that no one can understand. Sigh.
Fly: It’s OK I have Ikea douche too. Then I get rid of it on Craiglist and buy more Ikea douche. It is so wrong.
Pedro: It would be fun to live in Ikea, just like it woudl be fun to live in a mall like in those old zombie movies. Ikea would never hire me because no one lives in a 187 sq ft apartment except for me. They’d be like, sorry, we just can’t help you.You suck.
Grace: Yeah, my problem is that if you are that rich, why are you living in 200 square feet? Maybe it’s their guest house or something, or a spare apartment. Also my landlord is a douchehole and would never let me do anything to my joint.
Maddie: Seriously. I HATE going to Ikea, but the worst is that EVEYRONE wants you to get stuff from there for them. Because in NY no one has a car, so if you can borrow one and you go there, suddenly you are the UPS dude delivering shit all over town. I have to go there secretly.
I like one thing about Ikea. They could use fake cardboard books, but they use real ones. In Swedish. “Smörk ünmf Krällsbörgsllundnet”. Lovely.
“makes everyone in the world have the same crap made from Burmese rainforest trees”
I think it’s mostly glued-together sawdust and micron-thin pine veneer. Yeah, I do own two bookcases from there, but I’m not crazy about them. Their lighting department is moderately interesting, though.
An acquaintance of mine once speculated about making up parody labels for their stuff and swapping them in, with such item names as “Spooge”, “Fnord”, “Colon”, “Poontang,” and “Smear.”
annie, you should hire the mall ninja to do your shopping @ ikea…http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/ click if you dare…(*dissapears into a cloud of pink and black smoke*)
You know what’s sad? I miss my Ikea couch–I did a lot of writing on it.
Now I am sleeping on a bed that I got when I was seven years old and it’s smaller than that couch. I hazard to say that my bed is much smaller than your apartment :p
I’ve never been to Ikea. Yay!
hi annie – maybe you would enjoy this post:
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/79-modern-furniture/
with the ikea furniture and new chair, you’re living the dream.
I have a friend who used to live in a 180 year old convict built sandstone in Balmain Sydney. Actually he lived in the front room because the whole house had been split up into about eight seperate apartments. It was probably about as big as your place.
I built a bed for him made of beams suspended from the opposite walls of the broom cupboard that was one of two ‘spaces’ that he chose to use as a bedroom. This was so he could use all the space under it as an office.
It looked great and then the landlord found out because the nieghbours complained about the sound of masonary drills. He got booted out a week after it went up and week later the landlord pulled it down and threatened to sue my friend for the ‘damage’ (six tiny drill holes) to his heritage listed house. Sorry eight apartments.
The f’wit could have got more rent with the extra space! We had to laugh though at the distress we had obviously caused him but I still can’t get past his problem considering the amount of plumbing and drilling need to convert it into apartments in the first place. Some people just want you to got IKEA.
I had to go to IKEA this morning to buy some stuff to my “furnished” rented apartment because the british concept for “furnished” it is quite interesting and also because I am an architect and wanted to have some more stuff.
I was quite happy because IKEA here in UK has “home delivery” so if you don’t have a way to get a car it is very useful.
After picking up evertything I nedd, I went to the paycashier. First thing I did was to ask if it was possible to do “home delivery”. Lady said “yes, you pay your stuff here then you go over there and ask for it, I don’t know the price”.
So I paid for my things and went to the “home delivery” desk. Surprise was that the minimun rate for that service is 30 pounds (around 60 US $). I was shocked and with a huge amount of things I could not carry on my own and no other solution that accept that fare. I think that’s not an IKEA cheap price.
Only good thing it was that they said it was going to be same day delivery, first at 16pm, never happened, then 18pm never happened, and now 21 pm.
I am douchebag too!!!!!!
Renato: I love going to bars and seeing books used as decoration. It’s a little disturbing. I mean when I go to a library i don’t see beer used as a decoration, but I bet you if they did, more people would go to the library.
Alex: My bed happens to be made of “real wood.” That is what the description says. Next time my landlord doesn’t turn on the heater, I’ll just burn my bed for heat. What about møist as a Ikea name? Ew.
Ian: I need a office ninja, housecleaning ninja, make my neighbors shut up ninja, and a lemur ninja because lemurs are very cool.
Doretta: Oh dear. When my parents moved they gave my childhood furniture to some other kid. Poor kid.
Justin: You are very, very, very lucky. Avoid it at all costs. Do not be fooled! Do not give in!
Cindy: That douche who runs that site got a $300,000 BOOK DEAL! That’s a THREE with FIVE ZEROS after it. It’s funny but it’s not 300k funny.
Simon: Landlords are douchey and want to stick everything to the tenant, it is so irritating. It’s like hey, this place is a dump. If you lived here, you’d know that. I had to sue an old landlord because he kept my entire security deposit because he claimed I didn’t use shower curtains and ruined the walls in the bathroom. Totally absurd. I won. That guy was the mayor of douche city.
Pedro: Dude, tell me about it. Delivery in NY is about 50 pounds (100 usd). The worst is that after you get it all, you have to put it together. Oh well, at least you have furniture.
What about møist as a Ikea name? Ew.
Ha — you’re not one of those people who gets squicked out at the word “moist,” are you? One of my friends announced once at happy hour that the two words she couldn’t stand hearing were “moist” and “panties.” I had no idea prior to then that anybody could have a strong reaction to either of those words, but I’ve encountered others since, so apparently it’s not so weird after all. OK, no, it’s still weird, but at least she’s not the only one. Anyway, the rest of us now look for any opportunity to use “moist,” “panties,” or “moist panties” in conversation with her. Good times.
Alex: The word moist is just a gross word. It’s the ‘moi’ sound in the beginning I think. And the mmm sound too. It’s a very squishy sounding word that gets pinched off at the end. Panties is ok though. I like to say it like paahhhnties because it is funnier.