I am feeling ornery today. I do not know why. There is something in the air that is making me want to deliver serious beatdowns. At first I thought that the something in the air was onions, because that is what my apartment smells like because the restaurant downstairs really likes to fry onions for no particular reason other than to make my apartment smell like onions. A friend suggested I cook fish to get rid of the smell. I remember going to a dinner party and my friend made scallops and dinner and it was all delicious because he is a good cook but everyone’s clothes smelled like scallops and even my mittens and my hair smelled like scallops and then I went to another party where everyone was like what smells like scallops? And I was like, I dunno it’s totally disgusting, that person should leave right now. And then when I went home to shower, it smelled like a scallop steam bath, it was totally redonk. I don’t even eat scallops, but you know what I learned? A little scallop steam bath makes the ladies go wild. Take note boys, I had to beat them off with a stick. Like beat them really hard. I felt kind of bad about doing it, but it also kind of felt satisfying. I don’t think that gyms should have boxing or Tae Bo or whatever. They shouldn’t even have weights. They should just have a ring with a car in the middle and then give out bats and have people go apenuts on it, kind of like Michael Jackson in Bad except without the crotch grabbing. I mean I guess people can grab their crotches, I am not one to make the rules in a gym. I leave that up to the professionals. But I would join that gym and actually go, crotch grabbing aside.

Anyway this thing in the air is also making me want to scream and kick things, mostly people. It is also making me want to throw sweet ninja stars at the fashionistas who are in town for Fashion Week. The things people are wearing on the street are totally out of control. Like you look like an idiot! Stop it! You are making me look like an idiot just by being near you. Second hand idiocy. I heard someone say that the “collection this season is very spiritual.” I do not know what that means unless the collection was designed by Jesus. But maybe that is just me.

Sorry. I am being ornery.

I am going to listen to Sam Cooke and do the cha cha.

I am officially out of Homies. However, I have other fun little things that I discovered during my compartment-to-palace renovation. So if you want a Homie, too bad so sad, but if you want something even uglier and/or stupider, you can email me. It will be a total grab bag of crap. I think most of it is sweeter than a Homie. I mean don’t get me wrong, Homies are totally sweet, but WHAT ABOUT A FINGER PUPPET OF A MOOSE? Pretty sweet, right? A moose could totally kick a Homies ass, no question. I have no idea how any of this stuff ends up in my apartment, but it does. I found a bag of volcanic rocks. Did I ever visit a volcano? No, I did not. But I have the rocks. It’s like getting a concert shirt without going to the concert. My friend Aaron got me a Siegfried and Roy shirt in Vegas even though he didn’t go to the show. The shirt has tigers and glitter and everything. It’s kind of the most ugliest awesome thing you’ve ever seen. On a side note, my friend Marco saw Celine Dion in Vegas with his parents (he says it was against his will, but you know he was all up in front raging in the pit) and said she was amazing with all of her arm choreography and “go on, girl!” and then introduced the band, “Give it up for Celine Dion’s bassist!” “This is Celine Dion’s drummer! Give it up!” Celine Dion scares me. She kind of reminds me of the crypt keeper, except she’s French Canadian.

Anyway, please let me know if you guys received your stuff. I am at war with the United States Postal Office. So far they are kicking my ass, but I fight dirty. I will be victorious.